HONESTY

"Your life is like a mist. You can see it for a short time, but then it goes away."James 4:14

"Good people are taken away, but no one understands. Those who do right are being taken away from

evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death." Isaiah 57:1-2

Good Friday, Saturday, March 21, 2008 was the day we were blessed with these pictures. These two pictures were forwarded to me from our coordinator after a brief phone call where she described to me our Anna. I knew the moment she started describing this peanut she was ours. Good Friday is a day that has always filled me with mixed emotions. Usually the day falls in the glorious beginning of Spring. A time of rebirth, a time for everything to be new again. My heart & spirit always ache on this day too when I mentally recount exactly what took place. The suffering has always put the beauty of my eternal life into perspective. Yes, three days later HE WOULD RISE! I am so unworthy of His suffering. I know the emotions I feel are guilt & joy mixed together. What an adoption story....He wants me to be His. Last year though....what anticipation in the midst of the flood of emotions. That face! The first glimpse of our daughter! Oh, she had & I know she still has in heaven the face of this family, a G----N! I could see her with us immediately and remember calling Tony out of breath because I was forwarding this face to him via email at work. Four days later we would accept Yi Tao Dang's referral and she would forever be known as Anna Marie Yitao G----N. AKA: Little Lou, Little Bit, Anna Banana & Baby Anna. Along with every other endearment a family places on the beloved "baby" of the family.

So 1 year later, we find ourselves at peace with one fact- our sweet little Anna is in heaven and completely healed. This Good Friday will fall in April this year but we know no matter what the day or anniversary she is in Jesus' arms and he hugs her for us every day. We are at peace & praise God that we were blessed by Him to be considered special enough in His eyes to call Anna "ours". We are inches away from starting a non-profit organization in her memory "Anna's Forever Families", that one day will assist by financial grants other families adopting a special needs orphan.

Yet there is a full range of emotions that I have yet to fully grasp or honestly convey on this blog. Anger and at times rage. Anger in that 1 year later we are still looking at our 5 year old who cries at night because she is alone. Anger that Grace is mourning the dream of having a sibling. She looks around and sees everyone she knows with someone & she is still alone. Anger that we can not fix that fact. As parents we can not fix this. Yes, we have faith that the plan for our family will be revealed in time but how frustrating to see your child hurt & you can not do a thing to stop it. Play dates & distractions are quick fixes but do not heal with their lack of consistency. No one understands the grief of mourning your "old life" and the dream of a "new life-with your 2ND child". Anger of being told....1)"You need to talk to someone about your anger." 2)"You need to let go of Anna." 3)"You need to embrace the beauty in your life not just the death of Anna." 4)"Do not push away everyone who loves you." 5)"This has just not affected YOU but we have all been AFFECTED by Anna's death." 6)"You should find a better way of "working" through this part of your process--a way that is easier for everyone that loves you." The disappointment of people separating themselves from you because the burden of "YOU" is too much for them to bear. The disappointment in knowing people truly want you to make them feel better by just lying and answering, "We are doing fine, thanks for asking"-now their duty in asking is over & they can walk away unscathed. This is only a brief glimpse of the things that both Tony & I are experiencing. Yes, we are the one's experiencing it. We are so aware of everything that is going on around us that it is like our senses have been heightened. No, not overly sensitive just heightened. To those who feel they have also been affected by our loss please take your feelings and multiply them by 10 and you will still barely glimpse what we carry every day. For those who feel we need counseling....we are counseled every moment of every day by the Highest of Counselors. We do not have a breath to escape our bodies without a prayer going with it asking Him for guidance on how to take the next one. As all sinners(especially those in pain) we sometimes turn a deaf ear & still speak or act without caring. If we were in denial of these facts, or if we could not remove ourselves from our beds each morning or if we found solace in drugs or alcohol we would agree whole heartily that "therapy" is what we needed. What we need is time. Time where no one wants to "fix" us. To be given the allowance to be just who we are....imperfect. Allowance for the days or weeks that you will find our venting brash, harsh, angry & yes, days that we do not see beauty in anything around us. The room for honesty without worrying that we have offended you with that honesty or that you will avoid us afterward. These moments are passing & to date they have been few. They do not linger and they do not define us. The old or new us. No, we are not the same anymore. We will never be the same. We all have to accept that fact. Believe it or not we thank God for making sure we will never be the same. We see what matters now. Tony, Grace & Jo matter. The three of us are good. We are clinging to one another as we work through this dark place and blindly feeling our way to a light switch or window to open. We know without any doubt one day the light will come on/in & we will see all the obstacles that for now we find ourselves tripping & falling over. God is Big Enough, Strong Enough & Forgiving Enough to handle our anger, frustration & fear of our unknowns. We only want the people who say they love us to please try to do the same. Stop feeling obligated to fix us & do not take distance, silence or even an angry outburst from us personally. No, we do not plan on attacking everyone unjustly. We have never been the type to do that. This is our lives now. We will figure out how to fit in this new flesh and we ask nothing of anyone other than time, space & concessions to allow us to do this. To use words of Max Lucado in the book "Traveling Light": "The black bag of sorrow is hard to bear. The bearing is difficult because not everyone understands our grief. They did at first. They did at the funeral. They do if they visit the cemetery. But they do not now: they do not understand. Grief lingers. As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of her baby lotion or the reminder of her voice, and you are saying good-bye all over again. Why will the sorrow not leave us alone? Because we buried more than our baby. We buried some of ourselves. We buried our dreams. Because we are dealing with more than memories-we are dealing with unlived tomorrows. We are not just battling sorrow-we are battling disappointment. We are also battling anger. Anger lives in sorrow's house. Anger at anger itself. Anger at life. Anger at death. " Tony & I are aware of this. We know what the score is. We do not need anyone trying to share in this burden. Believe me there is no room. No matter how good the intentions are this is the time in this process that we can not share except with Christ & with each other. The full weight we carry & will continue to carry in some ways all our remaining days. Only time, healing and love from the Divine Healer will lessen our load. No one else is expected or needed to help. Help comes from your prayers for our continued strength and we will forever welcome them & thank you for them. Every prayer is physically felt by each of us.

So, all the cards are on the table so to speak. I have been honest. Honesty is sometimes hard to swallow. Please do not take offense to anything I have shared. Truth does set you free. I hope my honesty in this journey sets so many of you free from feeling troubled by us in any way. We have had the shadow of death pass over us. We are still here & Anna is gone. We DO raise our hands high every day and thank God that we are still here and because of His blood sacrifice we will forever only have the shadow pass over us. Death will come in it's time as it is written, but so will our eternal life. We are His children and we will one day have eternity with Him & Anna. We will embrace every moment of our lives together until then. We love & cherish our Grace so much and that is what fuels our lives. We wake up every day no matter the pain & thank Him for giving us the priviledge of being her parents. We will continue to be happy as a family no matter the size of the void we are learning to live with. We are so blessed and know that without a doubt. We have to live the good days and endure the bad one's. We are so full of hope, trust & faith. Those are the keys to conquer the anger, fear & doubt. For the days that the vision of that truth is clouded we ask for tolerance & forgiveness. He is Big enough to give us that. Our prayer is that everyone can.

"You are good, Lord. The Lord is good and right." Psalm 25:7-8

"Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Hebrews 12:1-2

In His Hands,

Jo

Memory Monday

So Winston and I were out for his morning stroll. I love my hound. He is the sweetest, undemanding, loving creature God in His infinite wisdom ever created. After he had done his morning business of sniffing every tree, bush & bench and his morning constitutional we headed to the far side of the pond to "Anna's spot". I just love & adore that bench. Every time I see the words "For Our Anna" it makes my heart swell. Winston sat quietly at my feet on one of the warm stepping stones with his face turned toward the sky. His nose going a million miles a minute and his little eyes closed tight from the sunshine. He is such a patient hound & is always content to be with me. Thank you God for giving me that white fuzzy butt for the last 12 years & please if it is Your will let him remain with me for a good long time to come. I sat there with my canine companion & dearest friend and I took in the warm sunshine myself. What a beautiful spring day here in Tennessee. The kind of day that the gentle breeze carries & calls to mind so many sweet memories of my Anna.

Anna loved to have her hands kissed. Really, Anna loved everything on her to be kissed. Her hands though were her two signature kissing spots. If she was happy, sad, scared, apprehensive, giggling and just wanting your attention she would hold up each of those little bitty hands to your mouth and just grin for a kiss. There is a glimpse of this on her memorial video attached to the blog. It was after Grace her "Jie Jie"(big sister in Chinese)(she could not say Grace yet) kissed her for the first time. She came to me for an additional kiss in celebration. A celebration of love. 1st kiss as sisters. She was also celebrating the moment & wanted a kiss on those sweet, precious hands. That dear moment took place not even 2 weeks after we had brought her home. It was the first time they had seen each other. Sisters from the same far away country....one from the far north, Liaoning Province & one from the south, Guangdong Province. One so sick & one so healthy. It was a priceless moment. Magical in every way I had imagined it during our 3 year wait. Anna was still fighting off the "croup" that she had agonized with for a good week. Amazing! Three nights before we had been all alone at Vandy in the ER, just Anna & me. Tony had headed to VA to pick up Grace from my parents and Anna had had a strider(sp?) & could not breath.....she had the croup so bad. We flew down Hillsboro road with the Almighty as my co-pilot. I remember the ER doctor looking at me saying, "Do you know she has a horrible sounding heart?" Even in the state of panic I was in I continued to have a naive sense of peace. Now I realize it was the Holy Spirit blessing me with the Peace of God. I told them yes and that she did have acute aortic & pulmonary stenosis-untreated. I explained we were to see the cardiologist in the next week but Anna had gotten sick the day after we arrived home from China. Her pediatrician had seen her and she was on antibiotics for a double ear infection & the croup. They took her blood pressure & it was fine, took her O2 sats and they were fine, they took Xrays and saw no problem.....Amazing! To think that a little over two months later she would leave us. We were given perfection. God given perfection. We were so blessed with such beautiful un-interrupted time. Just time-not a lot but time that forever in my mind will seem like a lifetime full. So full of concern, so full of worry, so full of confusion, so full of anxiety over her Williams Syndrome diagnosis but at the same time good, bonded, uninterrupted, life changing, love filled time.

Right around our 8-9 week mark with Anna, I started playing this little game at bedtime with the girls. Anna & Grace would get in the bed together for a story or two then Winnie the Pooh(her little stuffed bear-who we placed with her forever) would sneak up through the covers and sniff her toes, he would then precede to fall over dead. Yes, dead. This was a goofy, somewhat gross game in thought but it would bring out the most beautiful belly laughs from both girls. After about 10 minutes this game would get a "little old" to me but Anna in her Donald Duck(on crack), 2 pack a day smokers voice would say "More Pooh, Please Momma". Her little fingers would sign "more" & "please". She then would copy the little back & forth hand movement I would have made with Pooh and say "do-ti-do-ti-do" just like I had. This was the child who "supposedly" would always be delayed. Who would never learn at her level and always struggle. Perfection to us but not to the "world". Oh, how we showed every therapist....speech, cognitive & learning specialist in our 10 weeks together. Anna was not as they said "textbook" or an "usual case". Oh, what an understatement. Perfection....God made & God given(to us-how humbling) perfection. Oh, such sweet memories for a Monday. A Monday 26 weeks to the day her heart stopped.

As I looked up into the blue, cloud scattered sky this morning listening to the birds chirp their happy songs I could feel my heart beating. My heart will continue to beat everyday God sees fit & with every beat I will carry my memories of a lifetime with Anna. How blessed am I? Thank you Lord for giving me sight today through the pain.
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12
In His Hands Always,
Jo