Happy Birthday....Me!

You know birthdays when you are a kid seem to be the most important things ever! You literally wish your life away as a child due to wanting the next birthday to come quickly. Grace is such a fan of birthdays. I figure it started right when we brought her home since 2 months later we were celebrating her 1st birthday. I know she doesn't recall that one but oh, she has the heart of a kid who likes to make someone feel special on their day of birth.

My birthday started a day early this year May 29th. I had to work on Friday but came home to a house quiet because Grace & her Poppa were gone somewhere. The kitchen table was set with three paper plates, napkins & three forks. Winston was home but no Grace or Tony. I had gotten home about 30 minutes early since we had a small number of requisitions to get done at the lab. I tried Tony's cell phone several times since he was on call for work & knew he needed to get in to the office soon. I was afraid he had gotten called out and had to take Grace with him. Everything did not add up since the table was set. Then I thought maybe they went out to get lunch for a special treat & surprise. An early birthday gift. Well a little while later I heard them come in. I was upstairs & Tony yelled, "please do not come down till we call you!" A few minutes later Grace's little voice hollered "Come on down Momma, we have a surprise for you!" In the middle of the table was a cake with a ton of candles lit(not 39 though--I do not think I had that many in the house), a bouquet of VERY colorful flowers, party hats & a homemade card by my precious Grace. I took a picture so you could see her surprise & her beautiful picture.....it reads, "I will never take my heart off of you." It has a rainbow, "Anna's sky", hearts & a birthday cake. Ever since Anna died Grace & I think rosy sunsets are the picture of Anna in heaven. The rainbows are to remind us that God never forgets His promises. The hearts are something she is drawing daily here lately. She loves to draw rainbows & hearts. Just like most 5 year old girls.

I was informed by Tony that she woke him at 7:30 that morning to inform him of everything she wanted to do for my birthday. Tony explained over & over to no avail that my birthday was Sat. the 30th. She informed him in Grace's way that she wanted to surprise me starting Friday. She told him I needed to have a party & they were going to throw it. For those of you who have known me for a long time(most of my VA kindred spirits) you also know Tony. You know that Tony is not known for his romantic or even sweet gestures. He is just not that type of man. Never has been & finally I believe after 15 years of marriage I finally have accepted it. So to have my sweet 5 year old crack the whip, yank him to 3 stores & like a dog with a bone not let go of her plan.....well, it is hilarious. You go Grace! That is my baby! She has a HUGE heart. Her Poppa does not have a fighting chance when she is on a mission.

This story actually started about a week ago when Grace asked when I would have my party. I explained that most grown ups just did not have parties. That was something when you were little you did. She informed me that, "Momma, that is messed up!" "Even big people need to be happy." "Birthday parties make me real happy, Momma!" This conversation was going on while driving to the grocery store. Once we got to Kroger she saw a bouquet of daisies that they had died bright blue, yellow, orange, etc. She was so impressed by this. She said, "Momma they remind me of you...happy & full of sunshine & summertime." I told her yes, they were very pretty but was really concentrating on the produce section & my list. I did not say that I thought they were the craziest looking flowers I had ever seen.

So that is why I have the most colorful flowers ever imagined on my kitchen table this weekend. I adore every silly dyed daisy it holds. Tony tried very hard to get her to get some tea roses that he knows I love but she would not budge. She wanted the crazy daisies! While eating my cookies & cream cake with my most favorite person(Tony had a piece & had to head to work) Grace put her hot(her hands are always like little pieces of hot coal), sweet hand on mine and said very sincerely, "Momma, I hope you enjoyed your surprise. I think you have been so surprised you can not take much more. I want you to know I try really hard to do things to make you happy." The cake got stuck in my throat & the tears started to surface. I asked if I had been too sad lately? She shook her head and said "no", then looked right into my face & said, "I like it best when you smile though.....Momma, this made you smile." How can I ever be sad? How can I feel some days like I want to just.....stop. Just stop everything. Breathing, feeling and hurting. How can I feel like that when I have the most beautiful miracle still right with me. God has given me Grace and His will is for me to be happy with her and for her. This is a moment I will hold in my mind every "bad" day that surfaces in the future. I know they will be coming.

This birthday has been bitter sweet. Like most days, hours, minutes here lately. 39, one of those years that is well, really just a number. Next year is supposed to be the "biggie". Well, I look at 39 as "my biggie". It is the year that proves I can survive one of the most life changing and crippling events. It has shown me that I can live & slowly start to enjoy to live again. God can carry me in the cleft of His hand until I can walk again. God can take my bad days & handle the shake of my fist. He hears my cries & wipes my tears with His spirit. He gives me beauty in my family & shows me His face everyday in my Grace. So no, I am not upset to be one year away from 40. I praise God for continuing His unbelievable rebuilding of "me". I praise Him that I am still alive. I praise Him that I have Grace, Tony, Winston(da' hound), Dory(da' Fish) and all of our other family & friends we are blessed with. I praise Him that I am finally able to stand & starting to get my strength to walk maybe one day soon, run. 40--no biggie. If I made it to see 39, well, with my God & the loves of my life I can age without concern. My wrinkles & gray hair are my battle scars but I am still a warrior of the Highest of Kings. Thank you God! Thank you! Thank you!

No matter how many years pass, each of us remain forever new inside.

So celebrate! Souls that belong to Jesus never wrinkle!

Hugs, Jo

Like The Day After Christmas

I had not planned on writing today. My heart was open & wanting to share on Sunday but
I felt like today would just be too hard. This 27th of May hit me right when the alarm clock went
off. The memories of Anna leaving. You know you would think the fact that she is with Jesus & just fine that I would not grieve so hard. Oh, if I could stop the hurt. Being a human really, really stinks at times. So the alarm clock went off and it was 5:30 & time to go to work. My body did not want to begin this day but my brain knew I needed the distraction. The whole way to work my eyes were welling up. I sat in my car and prayed for God to strengthen me to go in and do my 6-6.5 hours today(since it was a holiday Monday we were backed up-- I got a little overtime in).
Sitting down with my trainer I found myself going to August 27, 2008.....holding Anna for the last time. I kept trying to focus my attention on what she was showing me. Finally, I got going on my own & the morning flew by. At break time this sweet co-worker who is training me said something I will never forget. "Jo, I was thinking about you loosing your sweet baby....9 months ago today,right? Well, driving in I was trying to put myself in your shoes. Would I be strong enough? I imagine it feels like the day after Christmas over & over for you."
I was stunned. The day after Christmas. I had never thought of it that way but man, she nailed it in a new way. Tony & I just LOVE Christmas. We were married in December for that very reason. That is just how I feel the day after. A sadness you can not quite pinpoint. You know next year Christmas will come & you know you will carry the spirit of the season in your heart during it's absence, but you feel sad.
That is how I felt today......melancholy. Sad because I had a little piece of heaven(just like Christmas) for 10 weeks and now she is gone. Just like Christmas I will see her again, just like Christmas I will embrace her again but unlike Christmas I will have to wait until I am called home to do it.
Until then I hold on to one thought......this world was never meant for one as beautiful as my Anna. Thank you all for your prayers today. We felt them! Keep them coming, they help more than you can ever imagine!
In His Love,
Jo

The Climb

I can almost see it
that dream I am dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it".
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels lost with no direction.
My faith is shaking.
But I gotta keep trying.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb!
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I'm not breaking.
I may not know it.
But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I got to be strong.....
Just keep pushing on.
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain.
I am always gonna want to make it move.
Always going to be an uphill battle.
Someones going to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing....
Keep the faith, baby......
It's all about, it's all about, the climb!
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa!

O.K., before anyone writes me. Yes, this is a Miley Cyrus song. No, I am not a fan. However,this song should be on my forehead. I just heard this song this last week and it brought me to tears. No, I know that is not hard to do these days but it did make me stop and cry. This is life right now. This is life 9 months later.....9 months ago tomorrow was the catherization. When time stopped for me. When I saw my old life flash in front of me. Three days later I would start a new life. A life without my Anna. Would we do it again? If we knew then what we do now. Would we have signed that application for a special needs-heart disorder specific child? Yes ma'am, Yes sir! In a heart beat(irony at its best). I would not trade my journey to, with or even after Anna. We may be a small family. We are a strong family. Strong in our walk with the Lord. So to "pick up my cross daily- to die daily" so that I can bear His fruit! I/we would do it all again.

So I started my new job. Hard & interesting is a good description. It has been the first two weeks and my mind and body are tired. I realize this is going to take some getting use to. Getting up 4 days a week at 5:30 am is tough for this old housewife of 5.5 years. No, I am not whining. Just stating a fact. It is going to take some getting use to. I turn 39 in 6 days and the ole' body is not what she used to be. The mind is willing but oh, the body likes her sleep! I like the job, it is tough on the eyes but it will do for now. No, I do not think it is a lifetime career move but it is an answered prayer. 5 hours, four days a week I get lost in work. No memories replaying, no sadness and no tears. Just work. This is good!


Grace's last day of kindergarten was last Thursday. Where did the year go? She is a big, bad first grader to be. To celebrate we went to get our toes & fingernails done. Yes, my tough tomboy wanted to go with Momma to spend her Mother's Day gift. What a kick it was to watch that little(even though she is so tall) thing get in that big pedicure chair. We had a blast! I attached two pics because this had to be recorded. Yes, there are flowers on 4 of her nails. Her idea after it was suggested by the nail tech. She was very proud of herself when only 1 nail was smeared. Hey, I think it was good only smearing one after an exciting day of party food at school & just being pooped. We came home after a little side trip to the "Dollar Tree", one of our favorite stores to take a cat nap. I can not remember the last time I curled up with my baby and just took a nap. Her sweet little body warm next to mine and the peaceful rhythm of her snoring. What a sweet time. I love my Grace so much. I love that I was off the last day of school so we could have so much fun together. Sweet and simple fun.

See, 9 months after the loss of my baby I am starting to let myself live again. Last month(April) was the first month I did not wake up on the 27th and realize it was the day Anna died. I was so focused on life....getting Grace signed up for day camp, taking my drug test for the new job and enjoying a gorgeous sunny day here in TN. My dear Cindy called to check on me & that is when it hit me. At first I felt a wave of guilt & then I cried with praise. Praise to my Maker for answering my prayers. Prayers to let me feel like living again & to let me enjoy my beautiful life again. Since then I have started work & realized with in the first week that it was hard to go back to work. Part of my brain still thought I should have a sweet little toddler at home and I should be at home with her. So this last week I have grieved my time with Anna. I have asked God to show me how to make this new place I am in feel right. Driving home one day from work this is what popped into my thoughts..."You have gone through this. Now what are you going to do with it? Be a victim? Show the world what it means to be hurt? Or will you show the world what it means to be Mine? To walk through the valley in the shadow of death and still be strong. To die as yourself & reflect Me! To pick your cross up daily, to die daily and live for and show only Me." This I knew was God once again answering my prayer, giving me direction and showing me the way to strive.
We are healing. One day at a time. One life change or event at a time. We have hope, we carry faith & we are striving to reflect only the love of our Savior. We are starting to live again and actually starting to enjoy it. Who knows what is over the next mountain? The beautiful thing is Tony, Grace & myself are climbing them together. Climbing upward and looking at the horizon. Looking to God for our direction and having the "littlest" of angels as our safety rope. Who would of thought someone so small could have had such an impact?

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose."
Jim Elliott

Love & Hugs,
Jo

Time

Time cannot break the bird's wing from the bird.

Bird and wing together go down, one feather.

No thing that ever flew; not the lark, not you,

Can die as others do.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I read the above poem a week or so ago. I guess the way it describes time & what I believe is my Saviors death drew me to it. Time. Tony & I were discussing time just yesterday. Time is mind boggling. The last months have been so hard but so precious. Time is what God uses to allow us to heal. To have a broken heart is a wound that never completely heals. In time, God shows us that we can focus on living again & live around the wound. We do that because we love Him & we want to glorify Him. We do that because we know Anna is whole. Because we know one day the time we spent here on earth will seem so minuet. That eternity with Jesus and Anna is not only a promise but a fact. Eternity. Our human minds & hearts can not even grasp the meaning or expanse of ETERNITY. Oh, how I look forward to eternity in heaven. I say this humbly not in any way with pride or ownership. I know the living sacrifice & resurrection of Christ is the only reason I will someday see heaven. Nothing I did, do or will ever do will give me that gift. Only my Jesus. For a sinner like me....oh, how sweet my Jesus is!

Time has shown us we can heal. We can hope again with that healing. For Tony I believe I saw the spark of hope return in his eyes the day he ran the Music Marathon. He ran the whole marathon & completed the 26.2 miles under 5 hours. This is not too shabby for a first time runner at the age of 44. That's my man! Grace & I were and are so proud of the bald guy. He now has the fever and hopes to run the Chicago marathon next. No, he decided to do that next year not this year. One year at a time.

I saw the hope return to my Grace the night Tony & I sat her down to tell her we were going to start the adoption process once more in September. From my previous post you know how God showed us this. I feel the day we realized that we were "survivors" and could fight the good fight once more it gave the sparkle of hope to each of us. So since then my Grace has not had any more nightmares or bad dreams. Amazing! Just the promise of having a sibling again....the realization of the original promise not dying with our Anna gave her hope. Oh, thank you God!

For me.....well, I have held on to my hope with both fists clenched tight. I have held on to the robe of my Savior for dear life. My life. So many times I have and know I will continue to feel the swell of darkness closing in on me. He is my life line. My Tony & my Grace are my floatation devices. I have HOPE! He heard my prayers. He heard me even on the days I could only pray, "God Help Me!". He hears me & He answers me. One answer has come in the form of a part time job. I will be a specimen accessioner for Labcorp of America soon. 20 hours a week- four days a week for five hours. I know this is not a "fix". This is hope that will soon return the sparkle in my eye. A way for me to start to find me again. I praise God for providing to me what is so hard for others to find now-a-days---a job. This is a gift I will not take lightly. Here in TN unemployment is at an all time high. This is hitting everyone around us. How blessed Tony & I are. We thank God everyday for our blessed life.

So thank each of you for saying, "it is going to take time". You are so right. Time is what heals. Time is what brings learning, wisdom & growth. Time is what brings HOPE again. God's gift of time. How fortunate we are to have that as a blessing. God Bless You & Keep You!

In His Hands,

Jo

An Early Mother's Day Gift

There are so many of you who monitor this blog that remember the day of Anna's funeral. Parts of that day seem to blur in my mind. One part I remember very clearly was the amazing flowers, plants & bushes that were sent by so many sweet people. The house was full in every room & this house is one that usually has a ton of open space. I remember being in a panic over this. We had requested in lieu of flowers donations be sent to the Nashville Ronald McDonald house. People had done that too but still sent us beautiful arrangements. I am a little OCD about certain things(OK, for those really close to me a "lot" of things). One thing I have a real problem with is watching living things die. I do not have a green thumb or a black thumb. I am just one of those in between people. Due to this fact I try to keep my plants to a minimum so I can hopefully keep everything alive & thriving. I have been very successful with that with a handful of plants....one I have had now, an Irish shamrock plant that I received as a partial transplant from a room-mate when I was 19. So Mr. Mac Gregor(yes, I name my plants and talk to them weekly(laugh if you must but it works for me)) has been with me almost 20 years.

So back to August 30, 2008.....as very special people left the house that day I gave them one of the many plants we had received. I knew there was no way I could keep them all alive and the panic of having something else die anytime soon was overwhelming. I look back on it and I was really in a state of panic-not quite right. I also wanted these people to have something of my Anna. I know even typing it, it sounds strange but I consider anything that was in anyway connected to my Anna to be special. I am her Momma, what else would I think? So people graciously left with peace lilies, basket gardens, cut arrangements, etc. Late that night I sat at the kitchen table having a glass of wine(my nerves were shot & I am not a drinker-so one did me in) and felt good about the plants that were left. I was feeling very confident that I could keep them alive. In the following days I bought beautiful pots & containers so I could transplant the huge basket gardens & have the individual plants breath with new space. They did for several months. Out of about 20 plants I now have only 3 still with me. The weak nature of so many of them was their downfall and then some got over or under watered, etc. I am proud to have kept the three I still have alive. It was with a very sad heart that the others were eventually discarded. I tried so hard.

One of these three still living is an African violet. Well, lets just say that ole' Jo has never, I mean never had any luck with African violets. This particular one was in a garden basket sent by Anna's pediatrician(Dr. Smeltzer). I love Dr. Smeltzer. I think he is the kindest most wonderful doctor & fellow adoptive parent I could be blessed to know. When I transplanted the violet it was a deep, dark purple still in bloom. Within days the blooms perished but the plant still looked good. By Christmas it was going down hill. I could tell where I had placed it in the house was just not a good place. I was going to loose it too. I hope those of you reading this see the underlining meaning to my need to keep things alive. I had lost my Anna and that was God's will but I wanted to will her plants through my care to live. As I took down Christmas decorations the first of the year I picked up Celeste(yes, that is the violet's name) & I told her I was going to try to find a place for her to be happy. I decided to place her in my master bathroom. The sunken tub sits between two glass bricked windows. I figured the filtered light & humidity of the bath & shower may keep her going. The tiled ledge to the tub was the perfect size for her to sit. I prayed for God to please let her live & please let Anna know how hard I was trying.....even with her plants. Momma was trying so hard to stay strong.

Celeste continued to live week after week. I was happy the plant was still alive but told Grace one night while bathing her in my tub that I had never had any luck having a violet bloom after the initial blossoms died. Grace just looked over at the plant & said, "well Momma at least you have not killed it yet." Classic Grace. This is what I love about my kiddo. Dry, to the point & usually a riot without meaning to be. Last Sunday, May 3rd I notice two little balls forming at the base of Celeste. Now honestly I hoped but did not expect or even get too excited with the idea she would bloom. The above picture is my Celeste today. Now remember she was a deep dark purple initially.....

In the short time I was blessed with my Anna it became very clear to us that her favorite color was pink. She would pick out pink dresses or outfits to wear everyday. If I choose something of another color she would show me her displeasure. So when we had to decide on a casket & flowers for Anna my first & obvious choice was a pink & white gingham plaid liner, ribbon for the flowers & pink baby tea roses with white mini daisies. That was my Anna. Sweet, pink, white, delicate & happy. Anytime Grace & I sit on her bench here in the evenings we watch the colors of the sunset. The rose & pink hues tell us Jesus & Anna are in His heaven & all is well.

So I know without a doubt my Anna sent me a gift from heaven this year. With the help of my Heavenly Father a once deep purple violet was made pink & white. Yes, to some I am just a momma trying to find anything to keep my daughter close. Who cares.....call me what you see me. I see that I helped & continue to keep something alive. I do that with love. God given and taught love. So to all you Mother's I wish you a wonderful Mother's Day this year. I pray that yours is filled with as much love as I feel every time I look at my Anna's violet.

1 Peter 5:10-11
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

In His Hands,
Jo