Roller coasters

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Up, down & all around. I have always been a fan of roller coasters but at the same time I like them in small doses. Two trips to an amusement park usually is enough for me. We adore Busch Gardens back home in Williamsburg & miss those bi-annual visits. The roller coaster I seem to be strapped to these days is a roller coaster I really am not enjoying. This coaster is one I believe I will be riding for the rest of my life. I find myself up one moment then down in a free falling dip the next. You know the female psyche is not the most balanced to begin with. We hormonally go every which way but loose on our own without any outside influences. Now throw all the additions each of us are blessed enough to call our own.....motherhood, being a Godly wife, being a good daughter, sister, professional, friend, home-maker, artist, domestic goddess.....each of us have our own paths, each of us our own story. The strains & stresses of each of our God given lives add to that already rickety old seat. So the next step is to tighten our seat belt and to hold on for dear life, pray to God that the man made machine made to thrill does not kill us. Then we SCREAM!!!!!!!!!......scream with fear, excitement & eventually for just the release of what our bodies are trying to handle. I know I am not the first to compare their lives to a roller coaster & I know I will not be the last but this gives you a clear cut picture of how every ounce of me feels right now. I have never embraced this type of chaos & now I really hate it. There is nothing I can do about it but continue to hold on and pray. I pray so hard at times that it physically hurts.


Yesterday is a day I got on my knees and asked for help over & over. I got home from work and went upstairs to straighten Grace's room & make her bed. The mornings Tony & Grace get ready on their own leaves little time to get these kind of things done. As I went by the fish tank I realized Dory was swimming yet again upside down. For a lot of you, you know the story of our now almost 2.5 year old goldfish Dory. Dory came home to us in Jan. of 07'. She was a fantail goldfish bought with some of Grace's Christmas money. Nana & Pop had gotten Grace a tank for her Sept. birthday & followed it with some mad money to buy a fish after Christmas. Your usual $5 fish. Well, Dory was a great fish. She had personality plus. Really, I am not lying...she was a neat fish. Last year, right after Anna died Dory started acting more bizarre than usual. She would do this sideways swim then float upside down to the top of the bowl. We figured the end was near. We were wrong. Dory kept as strong as she could until yesterday. Doing her usual dead man float she did not respond when I tapped the tank. You see, back during spring break one night when Tony & Grace took a Poppa/Daughter trip to Chattanooga over night Dory had done the same thing. I went as far as dropping her into the toilet when to my surprise Dory was ALIVE! Let me just say I jumped & about wet my pants I was so surprised to see that crazy fish swimming in Grace's potty. We figure the cold water shocked her heart to move again. So yesterday we took that long life-less walk but Dory never flinched. Dory had finally grown too tired. I know you are thinking it is just a fish. No, to us in this family every member(even the fish) are adored & cherished. So I hit my knees and thanked God that Dory's body was at peace at last but asked him to please help me deal with yet another goodbye. Grace handled the news rather well....since one of her best buddies was coming to stay the night I think it helped. She wants another fish but I think we will wait till school starts so no one has to tend to the fish for us when we travel. I did notice the sad look in her eyes went she went upstairs last night. She looked at me and said, " Momma, now I am really alone up here. Even Dory has gone to heaven." Oh, the pain to see those sad brown eyes looking at me that way.



I called Tony on his cell to share the news & he felt the same as me. Grateful but it made our already sore hearts bleed once again. That is when he shared the glorious news. The IRS has finally determined that Anna's Forever Families is to be a 501c3 non-profit corporation. We got a verbal thumbs up & now we can start the fundraising. We will be getting the official paperwork in the mail within the month. See roller coaster down then roller coaster up. So I have been thinking with this news & the 1st year anniversary of Anna's death approaching I will be shutting down this blog. I want to start a new blog Anna's Forever Family. Yes that is what our title is here but I want the blog address to also reflect the name. That is who we are now. Anna needs no more prayers. She was the sparkling answer to ours. She now resides with the Highest of High. So I will be working the next two months to start a new blog. One that continues my little angels legacy but also tells who we are & where we are & how far we have come. A blog that will follow the roller coaster of our lives but will bring only glory to our King & our angel. So for now I continue to ask for your prayers of strength and endurance. Prayers for my sweet Grace who has lost another loved one.

In His Embrace,
Jo

Pushing Forward & Going Fishing

June 16, 2008.....

Memories of this day are hazy in a way. I have been trying to figure out why. Is that God's way of keeping the pain of our loss from killing us? Is it because in the midst of such beautiful memories there is memories of shock of the sight of what was supposed to be a 2 1/2 year old girl. The concern we felt over how sick she was. How her little bottom was so scalded from having constant diarrhea for the 24 hours before they gave her to us. How they did not even give her a day to adjust from leaving her foster family of 2 years before she was thrust into our strange arms. The memory of days that were so frightening in China. Driving over 80 mph for 9 hours with perfect strangers while our sick baby of less than 18 hours laid in my arms lethargic. I am flooded today. I am worn completely out by the overflow of memories....scary, painful, good, beautiful & heart wrenching memories. In the midst of all of this exhausting process of remembering one year ago today I am so homesick for my Anna. I would do every difficult, trying & heartbreaking moment all over again. With complete knowledge of the outcome I would do it all over again & again, if I could only hold her and kiss her today. I MISS HER! I MISS HER! I WISH I COULD SCREAM AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL IT FELT BETTER! I AM HOMESICK FOR MY BABY & IT IS TEARING MY HEART IN TWO ONCE AGAIN!

Then I stop the whirlwind in my head with one sweet memory. How she looked into my eyes, straight into my soul with the realization that I loved her. How as I bathed her two nights later & she screamed in fright she then quickly realized that it felt wonderful. How she held my hands up to her chest for me to keep rubbing the lotion on her dry, parched skin. How she moaned while I put the diaper cream on her sore bottom & kissed both of her sweet hips and told her over and over how much I loved her. How that night, once Tony & Anna went to sleep, I got down on my knees in the bathroom of our hotel & praised God for the blessing of that precious, pitiful little creature. I begged Him for strength. Strength not to fear so many unknowns & to please if it was His will have her strengthen in our care. To have her trust & see me as her protector. For Him to please help Tony & I survive that hard trip and have us return home safe with Anna. To have Anna heal completely. He answered so many of those prayers and so many more. He gave me a gift like no other. He placed a piece of His divine majesty in my hands and asked me to care for her here on earth. I have done so many things in my life that I am not proud of. So many things that I know have broken my Savior's heart but He still entrusted an angel to me. I am proud to say by His guidance I was a good Momma.

June 16, 2009........

A year later I look at who I was then and she seems like an acquaintance but not "me". I do not think there was anything really "wrong" with who I was then but I look in the mirror today & see a different person. Who am I now? Oh, I would love to answer that question but I am such a work in progress. My Maker has taken me to the marrow & is re-building me. Today I feel the pain from all of that work. Today, like I said, I miss her. It is hard to even type. It is hard to put into words or a sentence. I miss my child & there is nothing I can do about it. I can not see, feel or hear her voice in person. She is well & happy and in a place that she would never want to leave--even for me. I would not want her to leave. Heaven.....heaven used to seem to me such a far off distant place. Now heaven is only a heartbeat away. My heartbeat. It is funny how the last several weeks certain things have become very important to me....eating right, exercising and trying to take care of myself. Things that honestly in the last several months I have let go to the wayside. Things that the indifference of I have started to reflect. I have not really let myself go but at the same time I have not kept myself up either. Tony said something the other day that really hit me. He was getting ready to go running & really did not feel like it. He said, "Well, let me go run. I do not feel like it but I want to see Grace grow up so I have to do it". Funny how God allows a simple statement to impact you. I have been trying to eat my veges, fruits & walk at least every other day. So why do I feel horrible? I feel worse than I have in months. I ache all over, my head just pounds and I am tired. So tired that I could sleep for days. Because the fact is I am sad. Sad that one year ago today I was given an angel who would return to heaven 71 days later. I physically hurt because every cell in my body longs to hold her again. The stress & strain that I feel are different than when Anna died but my body feels so similar to how it did those first couple of months. Like I have been placed in a blender, pulled out & told to walk. How do I do this? How do I get through the next 2 months? We saw just in the last month the glimpse of how we can live & enjoy life again. I know God in all His glory gave me that glimpse so that I would keep going. Keep pushing forward. He showed me how the small details in life mean so much. Like hearing Grace's voice with all it's excitement describing how she caught her first fish.

How she tells me everyday, "Momma, I love you all the way to heaven & back." She told me she says that because she knows Anna can not say she loves me to my face anymore. He allowed me to see Tony & Grace fish at the pond here in the neighborhood night after night trying to catch another fish. He gave me two beautiful sunsets in all of Anna's colors and let me know without a doubt it was Anna sending me love from heaven. He guides the lighting bugs all around her "spot" every night so that it illuminates showing me her happiness and telling me to keep moving. Keep moving and not to stop fighting the good fight.

So I end this entry saying I will keep pushing forward. I will remember the day a year ago that I excitedly rode the elevator of a hot, stinky social affairs building. To walk into a room where the cute tiny boy(so we thought) who sat at a great big conference table caught our immediate attention. To eventually be told that "boy" was our sweet girl. To feel her little 14 pound body in my arms. Thanking God for every scream she proudly shouted. Each scream that made Tony & I hope that her heart was not as bad as we thought. I will hold those precious memories in my heart. Here in Franklin, TN as I sit a half a world away from where I was one short year ago I sit feeling like I have experienced a lifetime. So even though my thoughts & feet feel glued today I will eventually move forward this week. Through the deep, breath stealing hurt. Grace from Jesus will continue to hold me close & will guide my feet. Faith in His abundant Grace is what will eventually give me the strength to start moving again. Maybe not today or tomorrow. The impact of memories hold me steadfast but He will not allow me to go backward. He will lift me as I raise my hands high and say just like Anna used to, "Up, please". He will hold me until I can continue to walk. He will do that because I am His & He loves me. I am not strong today but He will continue to strengthen me in days to come. June 16, 2009.......stumbling a little but still facing forward. We covet your prayers for continued strength. We need all the support of prayer we can get for the next couple months. Prayers to keep pushing forward & again one day soon to just enjoy going fishing.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness." "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses , so that Christ's power may rest on me." "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Hugs,

Jo