Anna's Place of Rest

Today Tony & I placed our dear Anna's remains in her vault to rest. As emotional and pain re-newing as this was there was again a resounding sense of peace. We both felt so relieved that Anna was back with us. Her little velvet bag & box seemed unbelievably small in our hands. So different from her life. How big she was in life and how small our hands are in comparison to our Father's. With her ashes we placed in the vault her pink purse holding her most treasured strands of playtime beads and the family photo of Tony, Grace & myself that was submitted with our application to adopt for the 2Nd time.

To give you each some history of the "pink purse" I will tell you my last memory of Anna before the catherization. Anna carried and adorned both her purse and beads that morning. She won many hearts that early morning in the cath. lab waiting area as she sashayed through other children & their anxious families. I will never forget her sweet air of confidence in her pink froggie pj's, her hot pink "China squeaky shoes"(that I had removed the squeakers in fear of driving other nervous parents over the edge), and her silver & green mardi gras beads(I do not know where they came from, Grace got them somewhere) and the infamous Mary Kay pink purse(her sister had also relinquished rights to) at the cleft of her elbow. She was a beaming rainbow at 6 am on that rainy, damp morning. Her most prized possessions she so enjoyed right before the moment that ended life as we had known it. How bitter sweet this memory is for me today. I can still smell Anna on those pajama's that lay on my closet shelf still. I will never wash them and I will cling to them for as long as it takes. Then one day I will place them in my Anna's keepsake box. God only knows how long this momma will ache to hold her baby again. Only God will be powerful enough in His continuing love & guidance to one day ease the empty hurt enough to let me let go. One day I will let go of that soft garment she last wore. Oh, how I want to heal and yet long to hurt. The hurt keeps Anna close and I worry if I stop hurting will she not feel as close.

A dear friend gave me the Natalie Grant CD "Awaken" right before Anna's funeral. There is a song that was circled by this dear friend called "Held". The lyrics below give me such comfort today & I pray as I type this that it will give someone hurting with me the same comfort.

"If hope is born of suffering"

"If this is only the beginning"

"Can we not wait, for one hour"

"Watching for our Savior"

(chorus)

"This is what it means to be held"

"How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive"

"This is what it is to be loved and to know"

"That the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held"

God Bless and Keep you all. He is blessing us and continues to keep us every minute, every hour and every day.

Jo