Memories To Share At Five Months

I could spend this post like most in the past just telling everyone how we are doing today, 5 months from the cardiac cath. The day that changed our lives forever. I am not going to do that because I just do not want to talk about how I feel today. I am going to tell you about Anna.
It was June 16th, Anna's Gotcha Day. I remembering walking into a very hot, humid civil affairs office to see the cutest little boy sitting very calmly at this huge conference table. My eyes went to him immediately entering the room and watched Tony walk behind him around the table and lovingly rub the top of his shaved head. The little guy just looked up without a response. Tony whispered to me as he sat down, "look at that little guy over there". I told him I had noticed him too & thought to myself oh, could we take him home with Anna? Come to find out later Tony was thinking the same thing. As we waited for all the orphanage directors to arrive with the babies we just kept watching this cute little fellow who quietly sat at the table all alone. Tony even at one point said, "he must be a directors child".

We were one of seven special needs families in Liaoning Province but the only couple receiving a baby girl. I remember our guide saying, "Dalian City family"? We both stood up immediately knowing Anna was the only Dalian City, China baby. The female director turned and picked up the little one we had been watching so intently. I was in a panic. I searched Tony's face & realized he was also panicked. I spoke up and said, "No, this is not our baby, our baby is a girl." A jumble of Chinese was thrown between our guide & the director and our guide said, "this is a girl". The closer they brought her to us I saw those eyes and knew that it was our Anna. She looked so different from her referral pictures but the eyes did not lie. Oh, how tiny she was. A 2 1/2 year old was being handed to me with the body of a 9 month old. Tony & I laughed nervously as she let out her first wail. This was so different from our Grace's Gotcha Day. This day was chaotic, frantic, unorganized and just frightening. Grace's day was full of joy, beautiful babies & laughter. Even though the days differed so there was one shared feeling......we loved this sweet child so much at the moment they put her in our arms. She cried for about 8 hours off/on. She exhausted herself. She was precious once she finally fell asleep. She clasped her hands as if in prayer and rocked back & forth from side to side. It was a rocking of comfort. It was a rocking of rhythm which she had known for so long. She would continue to rock herself to sleep for the next 8 weeks. She stopped that bedtime ritual a little over a week before she left us. One night I realized as I left her room that she was not rocking. She did not the next night or any night after. Anna was happy and finally secure with her new home & family. She finally did not need to comfort herself. She was such a good girl. She was just so endearing and so sweet. I remember tonight how proud I was of her growth in our care. Back in June, Anna was so skinny, frail & could barely walk. Her little legs were atrophied from lack of use. She had not even the leg strength to brace her legs for me to hold her on my hip back then. In August she was a different child. She had the round arms & legs of a child who loved to eat. She could hold on to my hip as I carried her and no longer felt like a rag doll. Tonight I still feel such pride for the height of the hurdles we cleared and boundaries we broke in such a short time. No longer did she have skinned up knees & elbows like when she first started walking but she ran after Grace in the driveway the evening before we went to the hospital for the cath. All these things I know were miracles. Big & little miracles that no one knows how to explain. The miracle of Anna having a heart so severely diseased and still never showing us one symptom in the 10 weeks we had her. God in His heaven tonight is the only one that could explain. I praise Him tonight & thank Him over & over for every moment. He gave us perfection for the short time we were together. Perfection for a family finally complete. A perfect love so full of perfect happiness.

So tonight that is what I find difficult. Through the past 5 months we have been blessed in having our Savior walk with us such a walk of reflection, realization & revelation. We have been blessed with His amazing Peace and we continue to grow stronger everyday through His amazing Peace. Tonight though I miss the feeling of being "full". I miss feeling that my family is complete. I miss the feeling of actually "glowing" from just being so happy & fulfilled because your children are finally together. How do I stop missing that? The cursor blinks on this screen as I try to figure out what to type next...............maybe one day I will know. Tonight I will just end with goodnight & God Bless.

In His Embrace,
Jo

New Year, Rebuiliding Year & New Title

Good morning! Today I am going to attempt to get us finally up to date. Some of you will notice but for those of you like me(a little slow on the intake(these days)), I changed the title of our blog. Now of course the web address is the same but I felt very strongly after a lot of prayer that we needed to change the title. This new title is by definition who & what we are. It also is similar to the name of the non-profit adoption assistance foundation that we are on the cusp of getting established in 2009, "Anna's Forever Families". I will give the honor of allowing Tony to give every glorious detail of this program to each of you in a later post. An old, dear friend of Tony's is helping make Anna's legacy for our family a reality. No more of that now.....I do not want to spoil the fun for Tony.

I know I said I would have to post later after much prayer about Tuesday, Jan. 13th. I have let over a week of healing from that day also help in writing about what transpired. I want everyone to know before I go any further that I no longer hold any ill will or anger towards anyone involved in this horrible mistake. All databases have been corrected & I have been promised that something like this will never happen again. I did make the suggestion that our agency needs to not only keep the orphans of the world at heart but to never forget giving attention to detail when it comes to the adoptive families. If an agency gets too large to "keep track", they need to see if they are following their Christian Mission Statement. Now to what happened:
Honestly, on the 13th it was not pretty. Again, like so many times in the recent past I have precious Heather to thank for allowing me to just "VENT"(really scream) in her ear. You were/are a Godsend girlfriend. Many Thanks!

I woke up the morning of the 13th somewhat sore from the day before. Monday had been one of those "hard" days(Mondays & Wednesdays always are) when emotions are just at a high for whatever goofy reason. One of those days when you "feel" so much that it just takes over. When you can only muster the prayer of "God- help me!", and nothing else. These days you do praise the Spirit for coming to your rescue and finishing your daily prayer & praise for you. See, on Monday I had longed to see Anna, so I sat and watched the 3 brief home videos we have. I needed to mourn on Monday-that is about it. So Tuesday the 13th even though my heart was sore, I woke up and said in prayer, "God, this is a new day....help me make it a good one." I did my morning devotional & felt renewed & energized. I sat down at my computer to see an email from our adoption agency(from both adoptions, America World) and was curious from the title "Important Information Requested by the CCAA". So naturally I opened it. I believe once I read the below opening sentence I stopped breathing for a few seconds:

Subject: Important Information Requested by the CCAA
Date: Monday, January 12, 2009, 4:50 PM

Dear Families,
I hope you are doing well with the newest addition to your family! I am sure you have your hands full, however, I am writing to request the Appendix 7 report which is a short self assessment required from the CCAA’s Special Needs Department....................................."

To try to describe to you the pain that took over every part of my being is impossible. Then the rage rose up without any warning. The kind of rage where you only see red. I remember grabbing for the phone and my hand was shaking. I remember only being conscious enough to say, "please God, give me the words". I left a very controlled voice mail in a very shaky voice for the coordinator who sent the obviously universal e-mail. I was then going to call the director, but I can honestly say I knew that God was telling me not to. I got up to go take a shower. I prayed incessantly for God to take away the anger. To allow me to forgive but oh, I just kept getting madder. My emotions were uncontrollable and Satan was having a field day. I got out of the shower and was drying my hair still screaming inside my head when the phone rang. I just knew it was AWAA calling me back. I was ready! Ready to verbally attack, fatally wound & feel/seek revenge. Almost 5 months of built up emotions were going to come out on this person over the phone. Though I knew in my heart & soul they were an unsuspecting person who probably just was hired or did not know our story..........
It was Heather. Praise God in all His wisdom again! He sent a call at just the right time from sweet Heather. Even to this day I am not proud of what came out of my mind, heart & mouth that morning to Heather. I had been wounded once again in a spot that I wondered will it ever be left to heal? My anger was my reaction to defend myself of the threat/reality of feeling it ALL OVER AGAIN. My reaction was just MEAN. So mean in thought, so mean in words, so mean in spirit. The flesh had taken over and I was just MEAN. I will not go into gory details of the phone call but after I had let loose for a good while I cried to Heather I was sorry & thanked her for just being on the other end of the phone. I then sat down and wrote what I feel was a composed & forgiving email to the director of AWAA with a forward of the e-mail I had received. My heart was not forgiving at that moment but my hands were being guided by the Holy Spirit who would renew my strength & allow me to forgive.

Now over a week later I still feel my throat close and tears start when I remember the pain of that e-mail. No, no matter how many apologies were/are made and no matter the kind words that were sent the pain I experienced was excruciating. For days I asked God, "Why?". Why would He allow me to be hurt like that when I was doing so well? I searched the Word, I searched my heart and a week later He told me. This morning in my study of Esther at church Beth Moore spoke straight to my heart on behalf of God to answer "Why?". I am not going to quote my lesson but try to put it in my words on how He answered through the study.....

God is as clear in what He does not reveal in His word as He is in what He does. God wants us to take our pain, worries to Him with extreme humility and ask Him earnestly what we should do and earnestly listen and obey. Our feeling "inside" is the best indicator of whether or not our hearts are right with Him. If we feel arrogant, mad and seeking vengeance, our hearts are wrong. If we are humble, and bow down face forward to Him, then our hearts are pure. Do you see my first mistake on the 13th? I do now in vivid color! AWAA's oversight had pounded my "fleshy" heart & soul like a battering ram. Instead of reacting with my "mind-set", I had responded with my mood. See, Satan is counting on me to grow weak/tired through the process of God making me strong. But the truth is even the weak grow strong as long as they set their minds to it. Yes, sometimes I am going to be "out of sorts". Temptations are going to come at me for the rest of my life to cave in and sin because I am going to be in the "mood" to sin. I have to draw from my "God given mind-set" to make me strong. I have to live now intentionally & determined about where I want to "set" my mind. No matter who or what pain causes my wound to open. So I want to close this post with the scripture which was included in my prayer today & will be everyday, Deuteronomy 33:25, "The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days."
God bless,
Jo

The New Year, A Rebuilding Year

Yes, we are still here and praise the Almighty we are still vertical. Honestly, this last month or so has been a period of time that just needed our full attention without commentating. So, in the next several posts I will be trying to recap. some of the important highlights without drowning you with too many details. As for today, January 13, 2009.......I will get back to today later. I need to pray and form my words carefully about today. So God bless each of you who have worried on our status. We are doing alright and continue to move forward with the help of God and all your prayers. Thank you for checking in and here we go.....

In His Embrace,
Jo