Memories To Share At Five Months

I could spend this post like most in the past just telling everyone how we are doing today, 5 months from the cardiac cath. The day that changed our lives forever. I am not going to do that because I just do not want to talk about how I feel today. I am going to tell you about Anna.
It was June 16th, Anna's Gotcha Day. I remembering walking into a very hot, humid civil affairs office to see the cutest little boy sitting very calmly at this huge conference table. My eyes went to him immediately entering the room and watched Tony walk behind him around the table and lovingly rub the top of his shaved head. The little guy just looked up without a response. Tony whispered to me as he sat down, "look at that little guy over there". I told him I had noticed him too & thought to myself oh, could we take him home with Anna? Come to find out later Tony was thinking the same thing. As we waited for all the orphanage directors to arrive with the babies we just kept watching this cute little fellow who quietly sat at the table all alone. Tony even at one point said, "he must be a directors child".

We were one of seven special needs families in Liaoning Province but the only couple receiving a baby girl. I remember our guide saying, "Dalian City family"? We both stood up immediately knowing Anna was the only Dalian City, China baby. The female director turned and picked up the little one we had been watching so intently. I was in a panic. I searched Tony's face & realized he was also panicked. I spoke up and said, "No, this is not our baby, our baby is a girl." A jumble of Chinese was thrown between our guide & the director and our guide said, "this is a girl". The closer they brought her to us I saw those eyes and knew that it was our Anna. She looked so different from her referral pictures but the eyes did not lie. Oh, how tiny she was. A 2 1/2 year old was being handed to me with the body of a 9 month old. Tony & I laughed nervously as she let out her first wail. This was so different from our Grace's Gotcha Day. This day was chaotic, frantic, unorganized and just frightening. Grace's day was full of joy, beautiful babies & laughter. Even though the days differed so there was one shared feeling......we loved this sweet child so much at the moment they put her in our arms. She cried for about 8 hours off/on. She exhausted herself. She was precious once she finally fell asleep. She clasped her hands as if in prayer and rocked back & forth from side to side. It was a rocking of comfort. It was a rocking of rhythm which she had known for so long. She would continue to rock herself to sleep for the next 8 weeks. She stopped that bedtime ritual a little over a week before she left us. One night I realized as I left her room that she was not rocking. She did not the next night or any night after. Anna was happy and finally secure with her new home & family. She finally did not need to comfort herself. She was such a good girl. She was just so endearing and so sweet. I remember tonight how proud I was of her growth in our care. Back in June, Anna was so skinny, frail & could barely walk. Her little legs were atrophied from lack of use. She had not even the leg strength to brace her legs for me to hold her on my hip back then. In August she was a different child. She had the round arms & legs of a child who loved to eat. She could hold on to my hip as I carried her and no longer felt like a rag doll. Tonight I still feel such pride for the height of the hurdles we cleared and boundaries we broke in such a short time. No longer did she have skinned up knees & elbows like when she first started walking but she ran after Grace in the driveway the evening before we went to the hospital for the cath. All these things I know were miracles. Big & little miracles that no one knows how to explain. The miracle of Anna having a heart so severely diseased and still never showing us one symptom in the 10 weeks we had her. God in His heaven tonight is the only one that could explain. I praise Him tonight & thank Him over & over for every moment. He gave us perfection for the short time we were together. Perfection for a family finally complete. A perfect love so full of perfect happiness.

So tonight that is what I find difficult. Through the past 5 months we have been blessed in having our Savior walk with us such a walk of reflection, realization & revelation. We have been blessed with His amazing Peace and we continue to grow stronger everyday through His amazing Peace. Tonight though I miss the feeling of being "full". I miss feeling that my family is complete. I miss the feeling of actually "glowing" from just being so happy & fulfilled because your children are finally together. How do I stop missing that? The cursor blinks on this screen as I try to figure out what to type next...............maybe one day I will know. Tonight I will just end with goodnight & God Bless.

In His Embrace,
Jo