Living Hope

Today my bible study took me to 1 Peter where the title of this post jumped out at me. "Living Hope". Jesus is our living hope. Because of His death & then Resurrection I know that eternal life awaits me at the time of my body's death. I also know that in the 8+ plus months since Anna went Home that is what He has instilled in me. I live everyday out with the hope that He will make something finally clear to me and show me through scripture or verse His direction for my life. Hope that tomorrow will be a day better than today. That tomorrow seeing the round curves of a 18-24 month old in the beauty salon will not stir memories of my Anna's little body and how she felt. That the lump that seems to always find it's way in to my throat will not show up when I am asked, "how many children do you have"? The pain of those moments each day are like the ticks of a clock that the 3 of us have experienced for so many months. With the pain has been such healing. Healing that makes my mind spin when I think about it tonight. It is very late(or I should say early) and my mind will not stop thinking so I felt I should write. The last 2-3 months have been for me the worst. Now on the other side of them I feel like someone who has been bruised. The blunt forced trauma is over but the memory of the pain from the bruise keeps it all too real. Did we go to China just shy of a year ago to bring Anna home? Was that me that stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital to then say goodbye as her heart finally came to rest? Some days it seems like a terrible movie I watched and it was someone else's story and I was a horrified onlooker. Other days I know it is my life & praise God throughout the day for making me who I am today. I am an almost 39 year old that feels like she is 60 from the wearing down of grief & mourning on one day. Other days I am lifted to a height that makes me feel 18 again....those are the days I let Him in enough for Him to show me the way.

Tony & I both experienced such a day of high hopes when the realization that our dream of giving a sibling to Grace to share this life with did not die with Anna. Infertility you see makes our decision a little different than most. Not to downplay the loss of a biological child-any loss of a child is tragic. Our loss does not give you the option of healing then becoming pregnant again. It is like loosing your dreams two times over. It is a vicious circle you feel somewhat trapped in-at least for me it does. So through this vicious, mind numbing cycle of loss God made His intentions to us very clear by what simply was one of His miracles. Not a huge miracle that makes world headlines on the evening news. A miracle none the less that some would call a "coincidence". To steal Beth Moore's wisdom yet again, " coincidents are miracles when Jesus means to remain anonymous." Amen sister Moore! In this beautiful case I want to sing His praises publicly. During my recent "rough" patch I have suffered with insomnia more than once. This period especially just kept going on & on. So in my study at the time it was suggested that sometimes God does not allow us to sleep because He wants our attention & has a message to give. So like Job and others much wiser than me I stood one night on my front porch in the wee hours, looked up to the heavens and said, " O.K., you know you have my attention. What do want to say or want me to know? Not to be too demanding but while you let me know what is on your mind could you please give me some direction? Direction for any aspect of my life. I am a little lost right now on so many levels and could really use a focused direction." There was no shooting star or booming voice as a reply. As I turned to go into the house I was just covered in a rain shower of peace. His peace. Peace of the Holy Spirit that can not be ignored. I sat quietly for a few minutes before going to bed to catch my breath from the experience and just kept thinking, "as long as you have me I AM your direction." Wow! Message delivered. I slept like a baby that night and really have slept pretty good ever since. Only recently have I felt the anxiety of things changing in our lives & me allowing that anxiety to keep me up(like 1am-right now). Two days later I was sitting at the computer looking through my new emails seeing a ton of emails from Rainbow Kids. Each message was titled "child of interest". I took my cursor to delete each one like every day for the last 8 months believing that once again I had taken care of that little issue. Do not ask me why I have not unsubscribed because I can not answer that. So I clicked on what I thought was a career builders email since I have been searching for the ideal part time job. Well, instead it was a Rainbow Kids mailing on a specific little boy. Now due to the sensitivity of this type of waiting child publication I am not going to give a ton of details on the posting. But moments later I & some unseen Force were dialing the phone to the listing agency to inquire about this little 18 month old. This child was from the Philippines & I am going to leave out his need for privacy reasons. One aspect I can not skip was his first name......Jomarie. Yes, Jomarie for a boy(remember the Philippines is a very Catholic influenced nation-no doubt a saint or two was the root). Who could even imagine such a "coincidence"- I mean this is too good for me to make up. My name & Anna's combined. So long story short after consulting with our family pediatrician(also an adoptive Dad with China) we realized with his agreement that the potential for another huge heartbreak was probable with this little guy. This all took a good month & 1/2 to realize after additional updated medical info. was provided to us. So we informed the agency we would have to release the file. We do not feel this was a waste of time at all for anyone involved since the updated medical information will really help any inquiring family know what the future may hold.

Tony & I walked away sadly but with Hope. New hope from above.....we had talked like a hopeful couple willing to start over on our dream. A couple who had prayed together for this sweet angel(Jomarie) & God to show us His plan. A couple that now knew they were strong enough to take the leap of faith once more. A couple that knows that unless in the next few months God reveals something else to us we will be applying to adopt once more. We will adopt from the Philippines this time & right now we see doing a healthy child adoption. God in His plan knows our future & His will be done. We as a family have the comfort of knowing our limitations along with His plan. We do not have the strength to go head long, eyes wide open into another potential heart break. Take Tony & I out of the equation and you have Grace. Grace needs to have the comfort of a sibling. A sibling that will be able to walk hand in hand with her through this amazing life, God willing, long after her Father & I are called Home. So I end tonight(this morning) with TO BE CONTINUED......Continued with Living Hope!

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

In His Hands,
Jo