Saying Goodbye

I am standing strongly on the top of the largest mountain ever. My Everest. Standing along side me is my sweet husband & rare gem of a daughter. The Holy Spirit is the wind that blows His sweet breeze against our skin. We are alive! We are breathing and no matter how thin the air is it is the view that catches in our lungs. We see the valley that we walked in the shadow of death. We see the unbeaten and unmarked path that the Lord guided us on every step of the way. We know it was His help and His stewards here on earth that helped us every inch. So we take in His complete majesty, raise our hands high and exhale in the mightiest song of praise we have in us. Our salvation is our reward. Everyday that we crawled through was nothing in comparison to His sacrifice. How humbling. How beautiful. So the character of our Jesus!

So we close this blog today. It is with a sore heart that I do this. One that has been worked out so much in the last year. This muscle though sore is strong. Strong enough to welcome the new journey....our journey. We welcome you to join us now HERE. www.annasforeverfamily.blogspot.com
This will be our blog now. It will follow the beginning of our family's call. The call of Anna's legacy. To unite special needs orphans all over the earth with their forever families. To assist financially with those adoptions and to follow each Christ ordained family after the adoption. We will follow them and when the medical expenses start coming in our foundation will assist with those too. So we welcome you to follow us....we pray that you will. We know God is working His plan in our lives and we are excited in what that plan holds. God bless you all!

Standing Strong but always In His Hands,
Jo, Tony & Gracie

II Corinthians 12:9-10
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Sweet Peach, The Red Cross & Froggy Jammers

August 26, 2008......at 11:33pm I was surrounded by several of the most special women God could grace a women's life with. They had come to Vandy to pray. We prayed for a divine answer no matter what it was. He would answer that prayer not even 24 hours later. The damage to the cerebral cortex was so extensive no one could survive--especially my little Anna. Anna was wearing 12-18 month clothes at the time of her death. The little embroidered dress I had bought for her in China while there in June is what I picked for her to be presented in at her funeral. That little dress was so sweet.....white with a bouquet of spring flowers at the bodice and then flower petals cascading down from the bouquet to fall to the bottom hem of the dress. It was simple & delicate. Very much like my Anna. Not too much but very feminine. I loved that dress. I had not had the opportunity to put her in it until the day I took it to the funeral home. I carried in my hands that could not stop sweating, the dress, a pair of socks with white bows on the cuff, white China squeaky shoes w/ a pink daisy button on each and a little white bow for her hair. It is the outfit I had planned to have her dedicated in at church the first Sunday after her catherization. She would have loved wearing that dress. I picture her with something similar in heaven. My sweet peach dancing in the golden streets with angels all around her. Did I ever tell you that was what her Chinese name meant? Sweet peach. Grace still refers to her as that. I believe she always will.

So Tony & I sat earlier tonight and expressed our hearts to one another better than we have in the last 12 months. The freedom of surviving the 1st year must allow walls to crumble, tears to fall and praises to be raised. My sweet husband who holds so much in showed me tears for the first time in almost a year. God bless him, he would tear up but to cry was a different thing. He finally let go....thank you God for letting him let go and trust me enough to witness it. He had just shared with me how Christ had convicted him this week and he found himself in the chair at the Red Cross in Nashville giving blood. See, Tony is a big, tough cop that does not like two things: snakes & needles. Especially big needles that take blood. Tony had never given blood before. I have been a blood donor for years and would try to get him to go along but he would not hear of it. Last year this time him & his sister tried to give since Anna was being given so many transfusions while on bypass(ECMO) but the facility was closed. This week while working a case in town he decided to head back to his office. He decided to drive a back way instead of getting back on the interstate to head south. This route he picked found him at a traffic light right at a Red Cross station with a sign that said, "Give blood here today!". So he did. He faced his fear and gave his blood while remembering how brave his sweet peach had been through all the heart testing, genetic testing and immunizations in our short time with her. He found himself sobbing after the experience. A cleansing cry....one with thanksgiving for God's mercy to our family, especially Anna.

So tonight as I sign off this post I will face my final fear of this year. I will go into my closet and take off my shelf what has has laid in there since August 27, 2008. The sweet, soft pair of pink pajama's(we call them jammers) that have little frogs all over them. Each frog is wearing a crown and sitting on a cloud. I just noticed that detail just the other day as I was holding them. They lost my Anna's smell long ago but on the bad days I would hold them to my chest and imagine they were filled with my sweet peach. I will finally face my fear of letting them go...letting go of my grief. I was forced to let go of Anna right from the beginning but I have held on to her through my grief. It is time to relinquish that. Not because someone said so but because I feel it. It is time. Time to start really living in the now & not trying to hold on to then. Life is too beautiful and our blessings too overwhelming to be chained down in sadness. No, I know I am allowed & there will still be tears. Till the day the Lord reunites this Momma & her precious child there will be tears at times. That is the pleasure of being one of God's children--I am allowed to cry and He wipes my tears. The Holy Spirit cradles me when I need it just like a Momma does her little one.

I thank those sweet 6 women who cradled me tonight 1 year ago. We as a family thank the countless others who have held us up in prayer and walked this journey of our fist year with us. Your love, support & prayers have been incredible and we see each and every one of you as Christ's hands here on earth. We welcome you to continue on our journey. A journey of discovery....the discovery of how the book continues. The book of our lives that was written by the ultimate Author. We trust in His version completely. We pray you see His signature & writing all over your lives too!

Psalm 63: 7-8
"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

In His Hands,
Jo

The World Stopped

I was watching TV tonight and saw a commercial for a new program coming out later this fall on either ABC or NBC where everyone all over the earth blacks out for 2 minutes and during that 2 mins. they experience a premonition. One year ago today I did not black out but the world stopped as I knew it and I had a premonition too. The premonition that I was about to step outside of the life I knew and into a life I did not want to know. The life of a parent after the loss of their child.

That was back then. Today I find myself energized and renewed to the fact I am only inches away from conquering what is known as the "first year". This year has been the hardest year of my life. Like I have said before I have experienced other hard times in my life and the way I handled them--well, honestly I am not proud of how I handled them. Times that only the grace of my Heavenly Father can forgive. This year was different. I am different. My walk is the walk of the humbled servant who can only receive strength from her Lord & Savior. I am so humbled because He still loves me with all my flaws. He saw something in me that I did not even see in myself when He gave me the gift of Anna. He trusted me. He continues to trust me with one of His rare valuables....our Grace. I can see clearly every step He put into place for Tony & I to receive out sweet girls. How humbling. To think He has spent this much time on me? You know there is a lot of us down here? How does He do it? I do not know but I have full faith in everything He does or does not do. Sometimes His answer is "NO!", and no matter how hard that is for our human, weak flesh to hear, He is always right. A year ago I heard "no", to my Anna coming out of Vanderbilt well. Back then I shook my fist and wailed to Him about the unfairness. I did that off/on for a long time. All the while the constant cry out to Him, "God help me"!

Tonight inches away from the pinnacle, I praise Him. I sing a song of thanksgiving in my soul for only my sweet Jesus. I am still alive. I have a beautiful life and He is teaching me daily how to embrace my life around my loss. He holds my future, He holds my present and He holds my past. The past that was good, bad, ugly, sad and Anna. I completely trust Him with each. I praise Him for each.....who has time to wallow in sadness when you have truth like that surrounding you? Like I love to say...."the proof is in the puddin'". Boy, He made my pudding sweet! Just like another song I love...."Just give me Jesus".

Forever In His Hands,
Jo

Leaf Stew

This last weekend was a good weekend. Yes, bitter sweet but good. Saturday was my last day at HHLA/Labcorp and I was shocked to realize how much I was going to miss that group of people as I left. They signify the beginning of starting over in some respects. They are the first stop after I picked myself up, dusted myself off and started all over again. They got me a very decadent chocolate cake with "Good Luck" in pink. It was perfect and I appreciated it more than they could imagine. The rest of the weekend Tony, Grace & myself just spent together doing some really good stuff. I am not going to bore you with details but it was just nice spending the weekend together. Saturday night ended with Grace and I snuggling on Anna's bench at sunset. What a display of her colors God gave us that night. The hues of peach to pink to rose red. It was spellbinding and we could feel the cool of the evening and smell the sweetness of the rose bushes planted around the bench. I have attached new pictures of this dear place that our sweet neighborhood erected in Anna's memory. It shows the 3 white crape myrtle's and 3 rose bushes all signifying June, July and August 08' when Anna toddled around or strolled around the sidewalks of this neighborhood. She was like a superstar, winning the hearts of every person she met. Always leaving them with a hug or kiss that they did not even ask for. That was Anna.....sweet as those roses smell at her spot.






Today no matter how I tried my mind just zoomed to a year ago. No the date on the calendar was different but the 2nd to last Sunday in August will always hold the most precious & heart breaking memories. Back then I was fretting because I just could not focus on what to pack for our stay at the hospital. The catherization was the next day and Anna & I would be leaving before sunrise. I needed to be prepared. No matter how I tried I struggled. Looking back on it now Tony and I both agree we knew deep down inside that something was off. No, not wrong or going to happen just off. As I wondered the house sporadically packing, Tony was outside with both girls washing the cars. Yes, washing the cars....that is what men do when they have no idea what to do....right? He could not sit still...he was scared out of his mind. Looking back....we both were. It was a cool August day so similar to today. One thing differed. Where last year the day ended raining, today God in His mercy brought the sun out. My heart probably could not have taken the rain. So back then Tony came in at one point and said, "JoAnna come look at them....you have to see what they are doing." I hate to admit it but we have no pictures of this priceless moment except in our hearts. There in the driveway was my two girls shoulder high in a 10 gallon bucket of water stirring around leaves, sticks and rocks. They were giggling and smiling at one another and singing a tune I can not remember. The words Grace was singing was something like, "leaf stew for you...leaf stew for me". We stood together at our bedroom window and just watched for what seemed like a very long time. In my classic "old" Jo way I said, "they are going to catch a cold playing in that water as cool as it is." Tony looked at me and said, "stop fretting and just watch them." How my heart twists at the fact that I told him I did not have time. I said very accusingly that I had too much to prepare for. Oh, how tears come to the surface when I think about how I did not just embrace that moment with him longer.

I went to the movies with a good friend this afternoon for a much needed distraction. When I came home Tony was just blowing the grass off the driveway from mowing. Grace and Winston were out playing and boy, Winston was dirty. Dirty from being outside with his master all day. I can not handle dogie smell in my house so I quickly changed my clothes and got everything ready to give him a bath. Even though it was cool I did it outside. That is when I got that 10 gallon bucket to fill with warm water to rinse him down. The wave of heartache just hit me. I could see it as if it had just happened. Two sisters having the time of their lives. When I got done with Winston and he was drying on the towels Grace said she had a surprise. She had been busily doing something as I bathed the hound. On the table was this........


It was in her words a picture. A picture just for me. Yes, it was. It was a picture to complete the memory and lesson I will carry forever. The picture of my girls together happily playing. The lesson to try to remember to never take those sweet moments for granted again. I thanked Grace and hugged her. Tony & Grace left to go get a pizza for dinner and I started cleaning up. As I carried the bucket back into the garage I stopped in my tracks. There imprinted in the concrete of the garage where I sat the bucket was leaves. I had seen it before but it had never meant much. Just the fact that when they laid the garage leaves had falling on the concrete as it dried. It means more than that now.......just like those leaves imprinting our garage floor our Anna imprinted our lives. Her imprint will be on us until the day we see her again. We will carry her with us daily and with that imprint we will remember to thank God daily for all our blessings. Leaf stew.....we all have those moments, we just need to make sure we do not let them pass us by.

In His Hands,
Jo

The Ascent

I feel like I am climbing Everest. This is not the climb of the "faint of heart". This is the climb of a life time. The type of climb that can kill you if you are not patient & mindful. The part of the climb where you only want God as your lead. You no longer even trust the Sherpa who knows the mountain like the creases of his hand. It is only Jesus Christ who can guide you through this to the pinnacle. August 25, 2008 to August 28, 2009 this has been my Everest. Grieving and working through the loss of Anna.

So today I stand once again in a small cleft in a rock within this massive mountain and I try to find my lungs. They are so collapsed from the heaviness & pressure of my heart trying to maintain blood flow that I do believe I am dizzy. So I stop and rest. I look back and see the amount of ground I have covered since the beach and it is so small. I realize while looking back that even though it has been a small advancement the terrain has been treacherous. Caution & reflection have been the reason for my very slow ascent....one step at time with the stress of each footstep leaving me completely out of breath. When you are so short of breath it just exhausts you. So I cling to this rock. Jesus is my rock, my cornerstone which I am resting upon. I seem to be crying out to Him a lot in the last few days. Crying because of the pain. Asking for His help and trying so hard to praise Him through every tear. I praise Him because through Him I am going to make it to the summit. He takes the weak, uses them and makes them strong. From the marrow of my bones He will take me and rebuild me. For my faith alone He rewards me with blessing after blessing and the peace of His continuous presence. Blessings in the form of answered prayers. Prayers that I did not even verbalize but felt with every ounce of my being. Like the prayer of wanting a new job. Yes, He has given me the opportunity of another job I know He arranged from heaven. Since coming home from the beach the beginning of August I have been given the privilege of interviewing & being offered the position of assistant teacher at Mustard Seed Preschool. I resigned my position at Labcorp and will complete my 2 weeks of notice tomorrow morning. My last Saturday to work--for what I pray will be forever. I miss my family time way too much when I have to work on Saturdays. It is our only day in a very hectic week to just embrace one another. I never really knew that till it was taken away from me. So starting next week I will be the assistant teacher for one of the W-Th-F 4 year old classes. Mustard Seed is the preschool Grace attended from the time we moved here in
06' till kindergarten last year. It is the sweetest and most God present school I have ever been to. I am so thrilled & feel completely overwhelmed in how God once again this year showed me in "the little details" that this was His plan. He makes no mistakes! He is always right & His timing is always perfect! These unshakable truths are the guide light that will help me continue to navigate the small but extremely steep remainder of my climb.

The pinnacle. It is within eyesight and is not that far ahead but oh, to conquer it will cause such wear on my body. I pray for strength, courage and stamina. Please join me in praying for that over our family. We can do this, we have come so far but we need our Father to hear the prayers of many. We need His and your help. This is hard. The hardest thing we have ever experienced. Even though there are people all around us in their own race to the top of their own Everest we feel so isolated. The top is a lonely place. Pray for His continued presence & our continuous praise no matter the pain we experience. Glory to God in the Highest! We thank you all & love you so!

In His Hands,
Jo

Our Great Escape

We are home. Back from the week down at the Gulf of Mexico. Oh, if you have never

been to the Emerald Coast...GO! It is just the most beautiful beach I have ever seen here stateside. We stayed in Seacrest, FL....right in the middle of Rosemary Beach & Seacrest. It has now spoiled me for all other beaches.....well, all beaches remotely close to TN. You know that narrows it down. No, I grew up going to the Outer Banks of NC, Virginia Beach, VA and later before Tony and I got Grace we would head up to Cap Cod or Maine. Each have their own unique beauty but Rosemary Beach is the perfect beach for a family with a 5 year old. Water so clear that Grace could fish right off the beach with a net. The Lord blessed us with gorgeous weather for FL in July. Low humidity, rain in the evening one night but sunny clear days except for one and mid 80's. It was perfect. We were blessed to have a family we are close to here in Franklin to also be down there last week. It had not been planned but it made our time so special. Thank you Patrice, Richard, Kaia & Mei Li for making our time even more perfect. These dear friends have a place at Rosemary Beach & were a 5 minute walk from our rental. Kaia, Grace & Mei Li all from China were such a special sight on the white sugar sands playing together. Patrice has been one of my precious sounding boards in the last year so to spend time with her "away" in paradise was such a needed joy. The week was such an overdue escape. Tony said on the drive through Alabama yesterday that he just felt so good & rested. That is how we all are. Rested & ready to focus on all the possibilities this fall might bring. We have so many good things on the brink of starting....Anna's Forever Families-giving our first grant, starting adoption #3 and all the loves of fall that our little family adores...Grace's 6th birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. It is amazing how the gift of escaping for just 7 days has helped us. We will be ready for later this month. We will be strong. Our time together uninterrupted has given us a chance to catch our breath for the hard climb ahead. This picture above is the sunset of our last night. Anna's colors all over it. We were greeted back home tonight with a similar sunset just before it clouded up and started raining again. I have no doubt they were little messages from Anna.

I will be honest. Quiet times at the pool by myself I could visualize my sweet Anna toddling around in floaties with a scar down her chest. It was just my mind playing tricks on me as I watched another mother's 3 year old. I missed her not being there in the fun. I missed not swimming with her like I had at the local pool here last July. Her & her funny little float. Then I would pray my prayer of "God Help Me!" & within minutes a peace would cover me. The peace of knowing she is happy...happier than I can even imagine. Happy without a scar down her chest, because a surgery was never intended to happen. Instead of floaties she wears the wings of the smallest of angels. She walks in an ocean of serenity not waves. Then I would thank Jesus yet again for my peace and for my Grace. My strong one. The one I feared would actually pickle herself if she did not come out of the water. She is so strong, so beautiful and such a blessing to my life. I am so proud of the child she is and thank Jesus for the precious time he gave me with her this last week. Such a sweet time that Grace even cried the last night at the idea of leaving. Grace is not a crier so we knew she was heartsick over leaving. Oh, such wonderful memories she will carry with her from this family vacation. That is so precious when you are little.

So it is back to school and work this week. I am energized by the idea. That tells me yet again how rested I am from our great escape. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving us such a wonderful break. His hand print was so visible throughout our week. So many "little" things that just made us so aware that He was close. Again, I will tell you how in awe I am over the closeness of our Savior to our family. He overwhelms me with His presence. So I will end this post with some pics. Two of the picture is of the girls posing together(including friends of the C's who came down the end of the week). These two additional girls are from Africa and are the sweetest most endearing girls. We laughed when we took the picture by saying, "Say, we are the world!" What a gorgeous picture of young girls from our Father's magnificent world. How amazing is His colors! The last pic is of our family. Yes, Winston was even in our wonderful week. God bless you all & thank you for your prayers!

In His Hands,

J0