Sweet Peach, The Red Cross & Froggy Jammers

August 26, 2008......at 11:33pm I was surrounded by several of the most special women God could grace a women's life with. They had come to Vandy to pray. We prayed for a divine answer no matter what it was. He would answer that prayer not even 24 hours later. The damage to the cerebral cortex was so extensive no one could survive--especially my little Anna. Anna was wearing 12-18 month clothes at the time of her death. The little embroidered dress I had bought for her in China while there in June is what I picked for her to be presented in at her funeral. That little dress was so sweet.....white with a bouquet of spring flowers at the bodice and then flower petals cascading down from the bouquet to fall to the bottom hem of the dress. It was simple & delicate. Very much like my Anna. Not too much but very feminine. I loved that dress. I had not had the opportunity to put her in it until the day I took it to the funeral home. I carried in my hands that could not stop sweating, the dress, a pair of socks with white bows on the cuff, white China squeaky shoes w/ a pink daisy button on each and a little white bow for her hair. It is the outfit I had planned to have her dedicated in at church the first Sunday after her catherization. She would have loved wearing that dress. I picture her with something similar in heaven. My sweet peach dancing in the golden streets with angels all around her. Did I ever tell you that was what her Chinese name meant? Sweet peach. Grace still refers to her as that. I believe she always will.

So Tony & I sat earlier tonight and expressed our hearts to one another better than we have in the last 12 months. The freedom of surviving the 1st year must allow walls to crumble, tears to fall and praises to be raised. My sweet husband who holds so much in showed me tears for the first time in almost a year. God bless him, he would tear up but to cry was a different thing. He finally let go....thank you God for letting him let go and trust me enough to witness it. He had just shared with me how Christ had convicted him this week and he found himself in the chair at the Red Cross in Nashville giving blood. See, Tony is a big, tough cop that does not like two things: snakes & needles. Especially big needles that take blood. Tony had never given blood before. I have been a blood donor for years and would try to get him to go along but he would not hear of it. Last year this time him & his sister tried to give since Anna was being given so many transfusions while on bypass(ECMO) but the facility was closed. This week while working a case in town he decided to head back to his office. He decided to drive a back way instead of getting back on the interstate to head south. This route he picked found him at a traffic light right at a Red Cross station with a sign that said, "Give blood here today!". So he did. He faced his fear and gave his blood while remembering how brave his sweet peach had been through all the heart testing, genetic testing and immunizations in our short time with her. He found himself sobbing after the experience. A cleansing cry....one with thanksgiving for God's mercy to our family, especially Anna.

So tonight as I sign off this post I will face my final fear of this year. I will go into my closet and take off my shelf what has has laid in there since August 27, 2008. The sweet, soft pair of pink pajama's(we call them jammers) that have little frogs all over them. Each frog is wearing a crown and sitting on a cloud. I just noticed that detail just the other day as I was holding them. They lost my Anna's smell long ago but on the bad days I would hold them to my chest and imagine they were filled with my sweet peach. I will finally face my fear of letting them go...letting go of my grief. I was forced to let go of Anna right from the beginning but I have held on to her through my grief. It is time to relinquish that. Not because someone said so but because I feel it. It is time. Time to start really living in the now & not trying to hold on to then. Life is too beautiful and our blessings too overwhelming to be chained down in sadness. No, I know I am allowed & there will still be tears. Till the day the Lord reunites this Momma & her precious child there will be tears at times. That is the pleasure of being one of God's children--I am allowed to cry and He wipes my tears. The Holy Spirit cradles me when I need it just like a Momma does her little one.

I thank those sweet 6 women who cradled me tonight 1 year ago. We as a family thank the countless others who have held us up in prayer and walked this journey of our fist year with us. Your love, support & prayers have been incredible and we see each and every one of you as Christ's hands here on earth. We welcome you to continue on our journey. A journey of discovery....the discovery of how the book continues. The book of our lives that was written by the ultimate Author. We trust in His version completely. We pray you see His signature & writing all over your lives too!

Psalm 63: 7-8
"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

In His Hands,
Jo