I just spent the last several minutes going back and reading the lovely comments so many of you have posted in response to our updates in the last 3 months. They give me such comfort. Tonight is one of those nights that the house is too quiet for this momma. Tony & Grace are both sound asleep and the low, rhythmic sound of Winston's snoring here at my feet put me at ease but still the longing for something makes me antsy. This is how many nights at 11:00 feel. I am weary with tiredness from the days activities but wired just enough to keep me up.
Today I finished putting the Christmas trees up. I did 3 1/2 this year. The family room, foyer, our bedroom and a table top in Grace's room. After opening all the boxes of Christmas decorations and decor on Monday I had trouble all day staying focused. It was 3 months to the date Anna's cardiac cath had taken place & the day I believe she met Jesus. As I connected the trees and started to string the lights I could feel two hands embrace my knees in a familiar way. As I stopped to look down I saw you......your smile & Donald Duck voice giggle. I could hear you say "Hi, Momma". I could feel you lay your little head close to my legs and pat me with your right hand. Oh, how you always seemed to be comforting me. Every hug you gave me had a little pat of your hand with it. My mind makes your hand feel just as warm as it did a little over 3 months ago. A beautiful vision, one I wish was real. You loved me so much. You showed me that in so many ways & without a doubt I still feel you loving me. I know I made you happy and oh, the joy you gave and still give with every memory. Even before you left me I would daydream on how your little face would look the first time you saw the lights of our tree and tasted pumpkin pie. How my heart aches in not witnessing these little things. Yet as much as it aches it rejoices knowing you will witness the grand processional on Christmas morning of angels on high and trumpets blasting "He is Born!" How could my pumpkin pie ever measure up to that? How proud I am that I do not stand here in front of this tree and worry about where you are. I am at peace and know for as long as I draw breath I will be at peace about where you are now.
This household holds this time of the year so close to our hearts. Tony & I were married 15 years ago Dec. 11th and our Grace adores & cherishes the season just as we do. The magic of God's love drifting down over this earth like the feeling of a light snow blanketing us on a cold night. Even though it is cold here, like the snow His love make us all feel warmer. Baby Jesus being born is so special to us and every moment that surrounds His birth we just love. My Anna was also born at this magical time of year, Dec. 4th. To remember her birthday and to honor her life we have organized a community service project for the children at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. I will post what we have organized & a picture of the amazing response after their delivery on the 4th. I see our Anna as a guardian angel of children. I feel her, see her and hear her tell me, "Momma, do it for the children".........so we will. I close my eyes and say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my moment of reverie no matter how bittersweet and tell God to hold her close for me today. I know He will. He has held me just as close for the last 3 months.
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