Quiet Christmas with a Scare

So looking back on this Christmas I am so in awe of how God lifted our little threesome up to still embrace what could have been a very hard holiday. The splendor, wonder & pure God provided majesty of the season over shadowed our pain. I am not saying that we "forgot Anna" for even a moment because that just does not happen. She is tucked safely in all 3 of our hearts and for Grace & I, usually a day does not pass without one of us mentioning a memory from that sweet 10 weeks. To be honest it comes harder for Tony. God love him he is such a good, tender hearted and sweet hearted father. Loosing our Anna has torn him apart in so many ways but just like me, Tony walks a taller & closer walk with Christ. We all grieve together but on different levels and on different time tables. I have learned very quickly that we have to do it together but also separately with God. There is no expectations of the other to say, feel, do or act as the other has and that is what is working for us. Like I have said before and so many have told me in passing, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve." We cling to the cross and the man who hung on it for our direction and He answers us.

(Grace just posing with her reindeer head-dress)
Christmas was quiet. Grace decided to start feeling a little yucky Christmas night and start carrying a fever. For those of you who do not know how my Grace works, here's a quick explanation(so you do not think I am a negligent momma). By the grace of God, Grace is healthy as a horse. She has a built in immune system that seems to fight the worst of the worst off in just days with only a fever at times to show she is fighting. So I figured this time was the same. We made the decision to head home, Grace & I to VA to visit my folks for the remainder of her school vacation. Tony stayed back in TN since he had to return to work and would limit our visit. Due to Anna's adoption & just timing of things it had been June 2007 since I had gone home to just visit. 18 months is a long time when you love your parents & childhood home/home town like I do. Usually Grace gets to see her Nana & Pop every 3 months and had still had since she was with them while we were in China meeting our Anna. So we started our 12 hour journey to Southampton Co., VA with a stop in Wytheville over night since it is a littler harder when there is only one of you driving. Grace's fever went up/down the whole way there and her glands started to stick out, especially the one under her right ear. Long story short we ended up arriving home(Thank the Good Lord) and Grace spiked a 106 fever. After 5.5 hours in the emergency room, blood work, chest x-ray and ct scan(of lungs), a quick strep test came back positive. Grace had strep. Funny thing is her throat was normal and she had not complained once. The kid eats like a horse and had not stopped even with the fever. Praise God! From head to toe she was checked and it was strep.

For those of you who have followed our progress you know I had mentioned on Anna's birthday how frightened I was of going back into the hospital. Well, that was not just Vandy. It was hospitals in general. I have quietly spoke to God without much commentary to anyone else how the idea of Grace or Tony going to the hospital would scare me to death. I feel the same at this point about my sweet beast of hound, Winston. Winston has needed his teeth cleaned by the vet. for 4 months now and God bless our vet she has completely understood my fear in putting an 11 year old dog under anesthesia for teeth cleaning. Sooo---God wanted to show me without any question that no matter how scared I was of the "hospital" & the fear/trust factor that goes with it I could survive it. His help! His help! His Help! That is all I needed. Now you are not going to believe this but He again gave His personal attention to my need that night. As they were getting ready to take Grace back for the chest X-ray my cell phone rang. My Momma answered and it was Heather back here in TN. The Holy spirit had gotten her attention that night and she just knew something was wrong & that I needed her. Where the fear had suppressed my ability to pray anything other than, "Please, God not Grace. Please God help me!" I stood in the hallway of that hospital and my dear, precious friend prayed for/with me. Then the peace enveloped me like a warm hug. She got on the phone & computer and the prayers were heard. He lifted, supported & strengthened me. Praise God--what would I do without Him? How would I survive? Friendship-A true gift from God(Love you Heather!)!

(Nana, Grace & Gus just chillin' & smillin')

So the rest of the visit was filled with quiet rest & just good ole' fashioned quality time with my folks. For Grace to be able to crawl on the couch with her Nana & Pop and just rest was the best medicine. I watched my 70+ Daddy play hide & seek with her in the back yard a few days later. To see that sweet man hiding behind huge pine trees was just so special. Grace wanted a "tool box" for her reward for being so brave in the E.R. that night. You know my Grace....no princess stuff for her. Pop & her had a blast playing Mr. Fix It. See when they did the chest X-ray the doctor noticed something funny & wanted to be 100% sure Grace was good head to toe. So, we did the CT scan. The tech. was a sweet woman my Momma had known for years and she was so kind to Grace. Grace was scared but so brave. I was praying with her as they prepped her to do the scan and this dear woman over heard me. She said, " I just love hearing the momma's who talk with their babies to God." I told her

how Grace loved God so much already and had such a personal relationship with Him at such an early age. Without hesitation Grace said, "Jesus is my King, The most powerful and the Only King. I love Him & He loves me." Oh, how proud a moment for me. Especially as little tears rolled down her cheeks from fear. My Grace. My little, brave girl with the zeal for life. Yes, the wind had been knocked out of me and it took about 4 days for me to "normalize" but we enjoyed our quiet Christmas so much. The blessing, meaning & true gift of the season was not missed and I am so grateful for every moment.....even our Sunday scare.

In His Embrace,

Jo

God's Gift~Friendship

I know that I am really playing catch up on my posts but it really has taken me a while to work through all the emotions and time of reflection that the months of November & December have awakened in me. I am still working through them and every closing of a year erupts these types of feelings but boy, this year has knocked my socks off. Seriously, it has been intense on so many levels.

In previous posts I have mentioned the names of some gorgeous women who I am honored to call friends. I have also mentioned my "support network" here in TN. That is these same women. The funny(yes, I mean HA, HA, funny) thing is all of us must have gone through similar reflective days at really the same time because there were about 3 days of just the sappiest, warm & fuzzy, Kissie-huggie junk being sent between us via email. You got to love how the mighty Creator formed us Chickie babes. To the outsider & especially outside male it would have seemed pretty estrogen fueled. Regardless, these specific women are the angels God sent to me the night before we said goodbye to Anna. These are the women that laid their hands on me and prayed hard with me for divine intervention or a divine sign into the wee hours of the morning. The women who laughed & cried with me that night and acted on the Holy Spirits behalf to strengthen me one last time before I had to let go.

Two of my dear friends Cindy & Heather honored Anna, Tony, Grace & me with the ultimate gifts the night of Anna's birthday(Dec. 4th). For me they answered a prayer that I had not shared with anyone. A prayer I had cried out silently to God in the shower(where I do my best & most private praying, crying, screaming). I was starting to forget little details of Anna and had pleaded for God's help to remember.....how small her hand was, how she held her fingers up and those toes. Yes, I had pictures and yes, I had looked at them in passing but had not trusted myself to really study them or to start printing off the camera to scrapbook. These two sweet, loving and all giving ladies took so much time and effort to give me just that. The four pictures here can not tell you how special both of these gifts are. To the normal eye they would be a photo book & hand/foot imprint but to me they gave me a little of my Anna back. Now I can pick up her book and see every picture we ever took of Anna and lay my hand on top of her

(Sorry for the positioning of pics but it will not let them move!)

imprints and remember with clear vision how small they were. Every line & crease is in those imprints.....the tedious, mind numbing monotony that had to have taken over while Heather was doing this is just mind blowing. To make imprints from the prints the hospital took of Anna would have seemed impossible to me but not to our Heather. How special could two gifts be? Not even all the diamonds on earth could outweigh their value. I am so blessed to call you both friends. That is a God given gift that I will never take for granted. My grandfather told me one thing as a child that I have remembered and carried to adulthood....."before you die if you can call one person a true friend you are the richest woman alive". Well, Grandaddy I am at the top of Forbes Fortune 500. I love you two!

December 2007 I sat here in TN happy & content but feeling the overwhelming void of loneliness. We were still in the "waiting" stage of our 2nd adoption and yes, I had my family but the closeness of a good friend was still missing. A friend who knew what the ups & downs of adoption and what the wait meant. I had so many friends back home in VA and they will always be my kindred spirits that hold my past & my heart. Some of the most loving people that I still miss in ways everyday. I still was lonely for that companionship that only a woman friend who just lives down the street or across town can provide. A friend that knows your stories, knows your little idiosyncrasies and still loves ya. I prayed for that last year in the "reflective ending of 2007". God answered that prayer and yes, it took a horrible moment in my life for me to really "see" that they had been all around me but it was me who had not let them in. God gave me a miracle which made me vulnerable in "trusting" to let someone know me here in TN.....the real Jo, the ugly and not so together Jo.

He gave me Anna & He gave friends who have held my hand, wiped my tears, prayed with me and for me everyday since I had to let her go. Thank each of you for your part in helping me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin to try to start all over again. To my network of Godly made supportive women I dedicate this post to you......God guides my keystrokes to thank You! Cindy, Heather, Angela, Stefanie, Amy, Leslie. You walk the walk & You talk the talk. God bless you! In addition it is with sweet sincerity that I thank Patrice, Robin, Anne & Teresa. You each are so inspirational to me. I look forward to the years to come and the moments we will share. God's gifts........ Friendship is one of the best!

Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one [wo]man sharpens another."

Hugs,

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 3

Driving back to the house from dropping off Heather I always pass this gorgeous horse farm. It sits in the curve of a back road here in Franklin. I will never forget how the sky looked over the horizon of that farm. The gray heavy clouds were starting to break apart shooting rays of hidden sun through them.....then the Almighty answered my first prayer of the morning......(to give me another focus other than my pain).
I had not thought of her since June 16, 2008, the day they put Anna in my arms. My mind went to a woman a half a world away who was remembering Dec. 4th because it was burned into her memory. The day she gave birth to a sweet baby girl. The baby girl that a month later she would leave on the cardiac floor of the local children's hospital in the dark of night so that she would not be arrested. A woman who left that sweet baby girl because her lips were blue and she knew she could not provide her with what she needed. A woman not like me who was probably a half a world away grieving her baby girl without knowing if she survived or where she might be. Then the real blessing of the day grabbed my heart. It rang loud and clear. I am Anna's mother for forever and I know the truth! I know that she is sitting on the lap of Jesus today, her heart beating fully without struggle. I know they are both smiling because they are both pleased with her birthday project. I know the promise, that one day I will see my sweet baby girl again & will hold her tight cheek to cheek and dance and never tire. That is my focus, that is my blessing and that no matter how the pain throbs I just need to remember the Promise. What a truth to make you smile.....just as I am smiling typing this tonight.

So once I arrived home I closed my eyes and asked my Maker to please by some miracle give that woman a world away peace like me today. I prayed for her to know Him and if she did not for someone to enter her life that would introduce the truth to her. For her to accept Him as hers so that one day she too can see our Anna again and share eternity.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this very long post-part 1(I promise there were a ton of other things I have omited) I wanted to find a way to help Grace with her confusion with Anna going to heaven before blowing out birthday candles. I prayed over this for a good month & sound boarded so many of my support network here in TN. Finally I shut up long enough to hear God tell me how to do it. Not only this year but every year.

You see I am completely at peace with the perfect plan God had for our Anna. To be at peace with it does not mean that I will not miss her every moment of every day until I draw my last breath. It means I do not plan on spending every year from this year on thinking "Anna would be 4 this year, Anna would be 5 this year and so on." No, for me my Anna was to be 2 years, 8 months & 23 days old. That was God's plan & I played a role in that plan but I will never wonder "what if". This is how I am personally comforted with this horrible event & dealing with the question "Why?" The horrible question that we will never know the answer to this side of heaven. I know others who live differently and God bless each of us and how we find comfort. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We grieve not by choice but the best way we can.

So my answer was for Grace & I to light white luminaries around Anna's memorial here in our neighborhood. It was for us to pray, read His word and for Grace to release three balloons(one white, two silver) into the nights sky. As we released them we said a special prayer.....the 1st was to thank God & praise Him for allowing us to love Anna and for her to hear us that night especially when we sent our love & sang Happy Birthday. 2nd was for God to continue to guide, protect & love the children in need of this world, especially all the children w/out momma's & poppa's. 3rd was to thank God for loving our family so attentively and to continue to help us with our grief. To make His plan known to us as a family and the role He wants us to play in helping the orphans of this world.

For it to have been a rainy, dreary day around dusk the sky finally cleared, the stars came out and the air turned crisp. For Grace, Tony, a few close friends & myself it was the perfect way to celebrate the end of a beautiful birthday filled with endless blessings. As we walked back to our house and turned to see the luminaries glowing across the pond Grace was content. She told me that it was prettier than just candles on a cake....she knew Anna had seen them. My prayer for her to be at peace with Anna's birthday was just answered. Praise God from who ALL BLESSINGS FLOW & my how they GLOW!

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 2

So as we drove away from Vandy I was just plain giddy. It was perfect. Our project had ended perfectly just as it had started. So my next desire was to head to the cemetery to place a little something at Anna's spot and to see the Christmas tree the funeral home had written to us about. You see one of the funeral directors at Williamson takes the time to put up a tree and hand make ornaments in honor of all who they have served during the calendar year. Then after the first each family comes to receive the ornament as a gift. I wanted to see Anna's ornament. The tree was breathtaking. It took you a moment to process that each ornament represented a loss for another family somewhere. It made me feel very small in my pain. No, I am not the only one grieving. Thank you dear God for the 2nd prayer You answered on this special day(the prayer was for God to allow me to stop focusing on the pain I was suffering). While standing there we noticed two snowflakes attached and they caught your eye immediately. Come to find out it was a mother & child. Both had perished due to complications in the pregnancy. I was shocked with the realization of what that husband/father must have gone through & was still going through. To walk through the valley in the shadow of death is an experience enough, but to loose them both must of be like a living hell here on earth. My heart wept for that dear man & he will continue to be in my daily prayers. I was moved by how Pam the director could tell us with such clarity about each person on each ornament. 4 months ago she had been our angel in making the worst arrangements imaginable and I realized that is what God made & designed her so perfectly for. I along with I know countless others thank you sweet Pam for your love & attention to detail. Amazing how the Father who has so much in His hands can ordain even the most minuet detail in our lives. How humbling a thought to think Him so wise and me so unworthy. Another moment of this special day ended with a sweet amazing blessing. Thank you again Heather for capturing this part of our day.

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 1

I awoke Thursday, December 4, 2009 to a cold, rainy and damp day. You know the kind of dampness that makes your bones ache? I awoke that morning with my heart hurting for what the day meant to our family and prayed to my beautiful Maker to give me a focus for my hurt. A focus other than my pain & the painful, scary memories of the place I was returning to that morning. You see I was going back to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and even though my reason for returning was such an amazing one I was suddenly scared. I was flooded as I showered and got dressed with vivid details of my time spent at Vanderbilt in August. Oh, how your brain with the wonderful help and egging on of Satan can just stir up so much pain. I grabbed the sink and told myself in the mirror "That is enough.......God get rid of this junk and talk to me."

Let's back up to the reason I was preparing to return to Vandy. A dear, beautiful and fairly new friend had passed on a service project idea that her sweet family did yearly. Heather, you know who you are and I thank God everyday for sharing your passion for children, especially special needs orphans to me. This is a time in my life when God knows I need to see the "passion" side of this earthly life up close & personal. He gave me you......thank you! Heather shared with me the idea and without ever getting the opportunity to meet or touch my sweet Anna knew it was a perfect way I could honor her birthday "the right way". You see I had voiced over & over to all my friends who are walking this journey with me here in TN that I did not want to celebrate Anna's birthday the way that I would if she was still earthbound. That being said there was such an urgency for my Grace to be able to visualize Anna's celebration and feel that her sister was seeing it in heaven. You see, the one thing Grace still was finding hard to understand was why Jesus would take her baby sister to heaven without being allowed to blow out birthday candles first. Birthday candles as most of you know are very important to a 5 year old. So we started the First Annual Anna Marie "Just For Me" Packets. This was to initially be just a small service project where we would fill manila envelopes with a coloring book, crayons(3-5), a sheet of stickers and a small container of play-doh. I thought that it would be the quiet part of our celebration and Grace & I would deliver lets say....50 packets to Vandy from our family, Grace's kindergarten class & a few close friends. Then Heather suggested I email this idea out and let my email address book know what I was doing......I was very hesitant about this because I just did not want people to be burned out on the "G----- family" and what we were going through. After a good bit of coaxing and a ton of brow beating Heather & another beautiful friend Cindy talked me into doing just that. I emailed out a quick heads up and a picture of the flyer I had made up for Grace's class. Well, you could have knocked me over with the response I got. Within an hour my wonderful friend and co-worker Cathy from Notre Dame Academy in VA called me to say the student council for the school had decided to adopt Anna' s birthday project as a school community service project. Krista the faculty advisor to student council was my dear friends daughter and a long time sweet child that had and continues to hold a special place in my heart. Tony & I used to look at Cathy's girls and say over & over "we pray one day we will be blessed with good girls like Cathy's". Now the young lady I had watched grow into a strong, beautiful faith filled woman was honoring my Anna. To say I was moved is an understatement. Along with NDA, the Franklin Special School District Girl Scout Troops led by a dear neighbor and her daughter called to say they were on board. This with so many friends and family members donations we made just shy of 500 "Just For Me Packets" for Vandy to honor Anna's birthday. It was a beautiful, simple project but one I knew would bring so many smiles. Like I quoted in my heads up email, " If my Anna would have opened her eyes last August, I know a packet like this would have received the warmest of smiles & the sweetest of giggles".

Now, fast forward.......

I am driving to pick up Heather who in her usual "grab the bull by the horns" fashion has already contacted Vandy ahead of time to say we are coming & be prepared. She had contacted the head of volunteer services and had it all lined up. It is starting to sleet & snow mix as I am driving and I am praying silently and out loud for God to strengthen me and not make me have to enter the hospital unless it is really necessary. I voiced this weakness to Heather as she got in and as only a true, good friend would say, "No big deal, they are meeting us at the valet parking entrance and you do not have to go in." Oh, one prayer answered and without knowing it so many left ahead of me on this special day. To say the people at Vandy were surprised would be an understatement. I think they would not have been more surprised if we had hit them in the head with a board. They greeted us with one little red wagon. In classic Heather fashion she said, "Oh, that is not going to work." Tony's truck was full of these wonderful packets to the point that there was only room for Heather & I(Grace had school that day & her part in the celebration was yet to come). So quickly as possible we unloaded the packets. Boy, was it cold. I informed the director we would see her next year on Dec. 4th but she better be ready because next year I would be driving a U-Haul to get the project delivered. Each of YOU are the reason for that......Thank you so much! Believe it or not we have already received monetary donations for next years project and so many more volunteers to sponsor our sweet celebration. Amazing! So amazing! The pictures speak for themselves and I have Heather, yet again to thank for those. You can see how the packets were decorated by all the students, scouts & children. Each packet had a sticker with Anna's picture telling that even though she was in heaven celebrating this year her gift was for that recipient. A little footnote: Heather and her church group did another 100+ packets the following weekend and delivered them the following week.....so grand total we gave around 700 children smiles from Anna. Oh, what a blessing, what a gift, what a birthday morning! Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Visions of You

I just spent the last several minutes going back and reading the lovely comments so many of you have posted in response to our updates in the last 3 months. They give me such comfort. Tonight is one of those nights that the house is too quiet for this momma. Tony & Grace are both sound asleep and the low, rhythmic sound of Winston's snoring here at my feet put me at ease but still the longing for something makes me antsy. This is how many nights at 11:00 feel. I am weary with tiredness from the days activities but wired just enough to keep me up.

Today I finished putting the Christmas trees up. I did 3 1/2 this year. The family room, foyer, our bedroom and a table top in Grace's room. After opening all the boxes of Christmas decorations and decor on Monday I had trouble all day staying focused. It was 3 months to the date Anna's cardiac cath had taken place & the day I believe she met Jesus. As I connected the trees and started to string the lights I could feel two hands embrace my knees in a familiar way. As I stopped to look down I saw you......your smile & Donald Duck voice giggle. I could hear you say "Hi, Momma". I could feel you lay your little head close to my legs and pat me with your right hand. Oh, how you always seemed to be comforting me. Every hug you gave me had a little pat of your hand with it. My mind makes your hand feel just as warm as it did a little over 3 months ago. A beautiful vision, one I wish was real. You loved me so much. You showed me that in so many ways & without a doubt I still feel you loving me. I know I made you happy and oh, the joy you gave and still give with every memory. Even before you left me I would daydream on how your little face would look the first time you saw the lights of our tree and tasted pumpkin pie. How my heart aches in not witnessing these little things. Yet as much as it aches it rejoices knowing you will witness the grand processional on Christmas morning of angels on high and trumpets blasting "He is Born!" How could my pumpkin pie ever measure up to that? How proud I am that I do not stand here in front of this tree and worry about where you are. I am at peace and know for as long as I draw breath I will be at peace about where you are now.

This household holds this time of the year so close to our hearts. Tony & I were married 15 years ago Dec. 11th and our Grace adores & cherishes the season just as we do. The magic of God's love drifting down over this earth like the feeling of a light snow blanketing us on a cold night. Even though it is cold here, like the snow His love make us all feel warmer. Baby Jesus being born is so special to us and every moment that surrounds His birth we just love. My Anna was also born at this magical time of year, Dec. 4th. To remember her birthday and to honor her life we have organized a community service project for the children at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. I will post what we have organized & a picture of the amazing response after their delivery on the 4th. I see our Anna as a guardian angel of children. I feel her, see her and hear her tell me, "Momma, do it for the children".........so we will. I close my eyes and say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my moment of reverie no matter how bittersweet and tell God to hold her close for me today. I know He will. He has held me just as close for the last 3 months.

Jo

Two months have gone by

Hello to everyone. I am posting to give you an update on how life is going. Our Heavenly Father continues to give us what we need to walk through this life and still enjoy every blessed moment. Things in life are so bittersweet and I think all three of us look at things in a different light. The important issues of the past seem less important and things we used to not put emphasis on we do now. In the middle of all of these changes still lays a ton of pain & separation. I would lie to you if I did not admit we reflect the pain and it's affects at times. Like any other relationship our family's relationship with one another must grow, adapt, evolve & strengthen through this. This takes a ton of effort & a ton of energy right now. Energy that we find in short supply many of the times. One of the many blessings that has inspired our family to keep its strength & endurance is the memorial spot placed in our neighborhood by our dear neighbors & friends. The above pictures show how sweet this little spot looks but I want to tell you that it has a joy & peace surrounding it that only our God & our Anna could have provided. I have also attached a part of the letter of thanks we sent to our homeowners association. This section of the letter gives you an accurate glance at our understanding in God's plan:

"We chose this neighborhood 2 years ago during a very difficult time of relocating away from family & close friends in Virginia. Carlisle’s quaint vista & secure gated environment made it the home we were looking for. We now feel that for the last two years we have had our noses pressed to the glass of a beautiful picture and that by God’s guidance & direction have been pulled back to see the magnificence of His plan. Anna was His plan in relocating us to TN and sending us to China for a 2-½ year old with a congenital heart defect. For us to live in Carlisle was also His plan. He wanted us to witness His compassion & ever-sustaining love through people like you.

The day we planned Anna’s funeral was one of the hardest but also one of the most remarkable moments in our lives. Tony & I were like two small children that were hurt & afraid. We wanted to run to the comfort and security of home in VA and never look back. As adults we all still have moments when the idea of being "home" seems to fix everything. We were so tormented, but one of the many things we walked away with that afternoon were the wise words of our pastor Sam Boyd. He told us that we reminded him of wounded bears that just wanted away from the pain. He said that we were in the middle of a spiritual war and that each place we looked & went there would be painful, difficult & heart wrenching memories of our Anna. He informed us very accurately that one day the healing of time would overcome that battle ground and make it holy ground. Ground we would have a hard time separating from because those painful memories would eventually strengthen and sustain us. Yes, Pastor Sam was so right. Carlisle is our holy ground. We still see Anna toddling down the driveway, squealing with delight at the idea of riding in the stroller and most importantly we see our Anna in each of you who touched not only her life but also ours with your love.

Now all that love & joy is found in a quiet, beautiful spot on the far side of the pond. The sweet sound of trickling water is the music to this sanctuary of peace. We so enjoy seeing people sit on the bench & walk that part of the common area. I witnessed the sunset the night the bench area was completed. Anna in all her wonderful colors filled the expanse of the evening sky and shot streams of pink & orange to that very spot. We know without a doubt that was Anna’s way of saying "thank you" from heaven.

So as inept as the words "thank you" are, we are so grateful for each of you that have helped in keeping our Anna here in memory and spirit. Anna was pure joy for the short time she graced our lives and we pray that each of you will be blessed with the peace & joy of her spot every time you visit it. The knowledge of each of you experiencing peace & joy throughout your lives would make our Anna very happy."

This spot is such a joy to our family. When I sit on that bench I feel so close to heaven. I am merely one breath away from my Maker & baby girl. What a comfort that is. Our two months no matter how hard, have been one day after another walking side by side with our Lord. Some days you feel Him holding you upright, others He carries us. Never once have I not felt His amazing presence.....that presence started strongly for me 06-16-08, our Anna's Gotcha Day. What a joyful feeling in the middle of uncertainty. Thank you all for your part in His love for us in the last two months. We are filled with hope when we think that our chapter in God's Holy book still continues. God's Blessings & Love to each of you!

Jo

Food For Thought Friday

My dear friend Cindy really came up with the title for this entry. I have to write what my amazing Lord gifted my heart with this morning during my personal bible study. To give the appropriate credit this is a Charles Stanley study that I am doing for Sunday school. "Living the Extraordinary Life" is for me the perfect study for the crossroads I now find myself facing. God in His wisdom already knew that! I have to share with you the sections that moved mountains inside me this morning and has brought light to the question "WHY"? I pray as I type that not only will this continue to comfort & guide me, but that God will guide me with His wisdom to pass this awakening on appropriately to Tony & Grace. From my study:

"God always does what is best for us. If we really believe this, we will trust Him even in our most difficult trials. Satan, who works to undermine our trust, often takes advantage of adversity by calling the Father's motives into question. He whispers, "If the Lord really loved you, He would not have allowed this to happen"-he wants us to associate the sting of spiritual discipline with a lack of divine caring. However, the exact opposit is true. Hebrews 12:6 tells us, "Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives." So, while natural thinking says peace and happiness are tokens of God's love, the Bible says difficulty and discipline are actually evidence of our membership in His family. The reason is clear: God cares for us so much that He will not allow us to stay as we are. Instead, He wants to transform us into the likeness of His Son.

However, while God completely understands every situation, He is under no obligation whatsoever to inform us of the rationale for His actions or decisions. Because He is infinitely wise, He simply cannot make a mistake! Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Although we must never look at someone else's situation and presume why God allowed a calamity, we should regard our tragedies and afflictions as reasons to inquire of the Lord, "What are You trying to say?" Ask Him what He wants to tell you, and then listen, not simply to hear but to OBEY. Because of His great love for you and His desire to give you a hope and a future, God is always reaching toward you. God answers even the most fervent prayers by denying our request when our desires are not in sync with His. God loves everybody equally, but He has different purposes for each life(2 Samuel 12:16-18)!

Thank you so much my wonderful, amazing & beautiful Creator. The healing of Your love sustains me like no other. Please continue to show me Your wisdom and help me never question that wisdom again, Amen.

Jo

Life Goes On, Even During A Storm

I had to write a little tonight. We had a wonderfully festive weekend with our Grace having on Saturday alone a soccer game, her 5th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's and a Predators hockey game. Fun was had by all and Grace was just so excited about each part of her day-especially the one & only goal she scored for her team. It was also the anniversary date(27th) of our sweet Anna going to heaven. I would be lying if I did not say that I was sad driving home after the party because my mind kept thinking of how Anna would have loved every loud, chaotic & obnoxious moment. We miss her so!

Our dear friends here in TN walked the AHA Walk for the Heart on Saturday and I have attached a sweet photo taken during their walk. This is their youngest little one and who we believe would have been Anna's best friend. The girls birthdays would have been only a month apart. Thank you CK & family for honoring our Anna with your walk and sending us this beautiful picture. This picture not only honors our Anna and her memory but all the beauty of ML's smile. We love that smile!

A very thoughtful person from Tony's agency sent us a very beautiful card today and I want to quote part of his sentiment to us. I have been very melancholy today and it really touched me. This is from a book he had read recently:

"We are like trees subjected to the stormy elements of life. When a storm comes, we either snap or grow stronger. What makes the difference is not the ferocity of the storm but the depth of our character."

We continue to thank our Father above for giving us strong roots of character and for our Anna who helped make them even deeper. We thank each of our friends and family for holding us close and sheltering us in this storm. We love you all!

Jo

4 weeks ago tonight

It has been 4 weeks ago tonight that our sweet little, precious Anna went home to be with her heavenly Father. As I write these words it is still hard to believe she is actually gone from our sight. I have missed her more deeply than I can describe with words. She was very special to me. I know as much as I miss her Jo Anna(Jo) is missing her every bit as much. That sweet little angel occupied every minute of Jo Anna's day. Then there is Grace, she is such an adventurous, free spirited child and Grace is missing Anna every bit as much as we are. Especially at bath time each night. It still hurts for me to look at pictures, especially the picture of me holding Anna. I can still feel her, smell her and hear her dear little voice. It makes me sad beyond belief. Psalm 127:5 tells us that children are a blessing. With Anna, God's grace was upon us much more than we had or could have imagined. As I have said before, I do not know why God chose me to be that little girls poppa but I am eternally grateful for the privilege. Again, I want to tell you all thank you for your calls, cards, emails, posts and for your prayers. God is listening to you and he is answering your prayers. Christ has and is working through you to give us strength. Four weeks ago the book of Anna Marie Yitao Gooden's life was complete. She lived a full life, a life God so graciously blessed me and my family with. I am so proud of her. Her poppa loves her more today than ever. I know as much as I love her God loves her that much more. He loved her enough to send His son to die for her sins. So I rejoice for Anna and at the same time suffer with the grief of having to let her go.

Children are blessings from heaven above and they are precious. There are a million of these precious blessings out there tonight without a momma or a poppa. If you were to ask an orphan what they wanted more than anything in this world they would tell you it is a forever family. Those little blessings are out there waiting. Please take advantage of any opportunity you can to help them. If you can not adopt or are not in a position to adopt then please open your hearts and wallets and make a donation to organizations such as "Shaohannah's Hope". Organizations like these assist families through grants to give homes to blessings such as our Anna. For your donations you will be blessed ten fold. Thank you for taking the time to meet our little girl & continuing to pray for our family.

May God bless you! Tony for our Family

Anna's Place of Rest

Today Tony & I placed our dear Anna's remains in her vault to rest. As emotional and pain re-newing as this was there was again a resounding sense of peace. We both felt so relieved that Anna was back with us. Her little velvet bag & box seemed unbelievably small in our hands. So different from her life. How big she was in life and how small our hands are in comparison to our Father's. With her ashes we placed in the vault her pink purse holding her most treasured strands of playtime beads and the family photo of Tony, Grace & myself that was submitted with our application to adopt for the 2Nd time.

To give you each some history of the "pink purse" I will tell you my last memory of Anna before the catherization. Anna carried and adorned both her purse and beads that morning. She won many hearts that early morning in the cath. lab waiting area as she sashayed through other children & their anxious families. I will never forget her sweet air of confidence in her pink froggie pj's, her hot pink "China squeaky shoes"(that I had removed the squeakers in fear of driving other nervous parents over the edge), and her silver & green mardi gras beads(I do not know where they came from, Grace got them somewhere) and the infamous Mary Kay pink purse(her sister had also relinquished rights to) at the cleft of her elbow. She was a beaming rainbow at 6 am on that rainy, damp morning. Her most prized possessions she so enjoyed right before the moment that ended life as we had known it. How bitter sweet this memory is for me today. I can still smell Anna on those pajama's that lay on my closet shelf still. I will never wash them and I will cling to them for as long as it takes. Then one day I will place them in my Anna's keepsake box. God only knows how long this momma will ache to hold her baby again. Only God will be powerful enough in His continuing love & guidance to one day ease the empty hurt enough to let me let go. One day I will let go of that soft garment she last wore. Oh, how I want to heal and yet long to hurt. The hurt keeps Anna close and I worry if I stop hurting will she not feel as close.

A dear friend gave me the Natalie Grant CD "Awaken" right before Anna's funeral. There is a song that was circled by this dear friend called "Held". The lyrics below give me such comfort today & I pray as I type this that it will give someone hurting with me the same comfort.

"If hope is born of suffering"

"If this is only the beginning"

"Can we not wait, for one hour"

"Watching for our Savior"

(chorus)

"This is what it means to be held"

"How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive"

"This is what it is to be loved and to know"

"That the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held"

God Bless and Keep you all. He is blessing us and continues to keep us every minute, every hour and every day.

Jo

Thank You!!

Dearest Friends and Family~

Words could never express how deeply we appreciate your thoughts, prayers and kind words of encouragement during the darkest hour of our lives as parents. Thanks to you we were lifted up in prayer and given strength beyond imagination. We remember wondering how a parent could even attend the funeral of their child, and if we had our rathers we would still be wondering. Now we know…. It’s the divine strength of God.

We realize now that we are part of a "quilt" of God, which he drapes over His family in times of despair. We are now three tattered remnants that have been sewn back together in a different way; intermingled with other outside pieces. We cannot remain just as we were. We must be willing to change. It's not easy being part of this quilt, but it is how God wills us together. Alone we have no strength but skillfully sewn together as only God can do each of us now appliques the strongest of quilts. Thank each of you for your part in this gift of strength. I know Anna is so proud in heaven to see her family cared for so lovingly.

As we think of Anna and of how precious she was to us we are reminded of 2 Corinthians 5:7 "We walk by faith, not by sight" and know that we were blessed and honored to be this precious little girl’s momma and poppa. We do wonder why this had to happen but rest in knowing God is in control and know His promise will never change.

When we first lost Anna and struggled to go through each day it is you, our friends and family, that answered the call. You were the hands and feet of our Lord. Through your actions we learned what it meant to be held by our Maker. We also learned that a heart that receives from God has many riches to give to others. We cherish each and every one of you and welcome any chance we can see you soon! May God bless & keep you close!

With Sincerest Gratitude,

Tony, JoAnna & Grace

Peace Beyond Understanding

Good morning to everyone!
I was laying in bed this morning and realized that I so needed to post this morning to tell each of you how amazing yesterday was. Tony & I got up bruised and battered dreading the thought of making funeral arrangements. Through only the Grace of God I can tell you that last night we both slept peacefully. We had been so conflicted on where to place our Anna's remains since we are originally from VA and my Tony is in the line of work that will transfer us with promotion or assignment change. The thought of leaving Anna behind was unbearable. Without going through too many specifics God gave us the perfect place of rest for Anna's sweet remains and to all us adoptive parents who know their story, it is just down from Maria Chapman. "The Garden of Angels" is it's name and oh, what angels it contains. Tony & I are now dealing with a different struggle......we are searching our hearts & souls and begging God to help us find the words to let everyone know how amazing our baby Anna was & still is. We feel so strongly that Anna's work here on earth is not done because she has left us to carry it on. God's amazing Glory is something so many of us know as we know ourselves but there are many that wake up each morning without that divine recognition. We want the loss of our Anna to ring the most important truth there is: GOD IS LOVE! UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! LOVE WITHOUT BOUNDARIES OR TIME! So we again thank you for each of your prayers & blessings on our family. We ask you keep the next day in prayer that Tony & I can show to all that are watching that this is not something "God did to us" but something "God blessed us with" and continues to "do in us." To express the urgency of this need is impossible.......we are just as desperate to continue Anna's work as we were to see her life with us continue 4 days ago. Please know we love you all, even the one's we do not know......see, Amazing Love of Christ does that. Our Grace I know has been a concern for all of you & for us and she is a true reflection of her God given name. Grace is doing beautifully, yes, she hurts right along with us but for a almost 5 year old she is doing it with the strength. Love, Kisses & Hugs from Jo, Tony & Grace

Anna Is with Her Maker

Oh, it is with a weary & sore heart that I write this message to all of you who have been praying so diligently. Our Anna's heart & little body just got too tired to go on. We received the results of the CT scan and without hesitation we knew God had answered a shared prayer......to show us His will without any question. Anna's cerebral cortex had been so severely jeopardized on Monday during CPR that any form of normal survival function was out of the question. The cerebral edema that was taking over both lobes could not be treated with any medicines. In addition, the trauma her heart sustained made surgery to correct very difficult with the continuing pressure build up. Basically, to continue we would be doing it for clearly selfish reasons since our sweet Anna would fight herself to death. No matter what the doctors tried to come up with as an option there was really only one. We took Anna off the bypass and all life support......and I had the incredible privilege to hold my baby as her sweet heart beat its last beat. Oh, what a precious, peaceful moment. To know that God entrusted me with this amazing child for the last 10 weeks makes me so proud.

We are so humbled by the outreach and prayers for our family. We are mourning, we are hurting, we are confused, we are yucky in every way right now but most importantly we praise our Heavenly Father and all His Glory!

We want our time with Anna and her short life to bring him only Glory! Without the guidance of the Father we would never have even known this miraculous creature. Please join us in His praise and prayer for our sweet Grace. As a family we now have the mountain of pain, separation, and grief to conquer. Our Lord is covering us with His Cloak of Peace and for that we are so grateful.

~ Jo

Anna's Memorial Celebration

Saturday, August 30

10:00 AM Visitation

11:00 AM Memorial Celebration

~

Williamson Memorial Funeral Home

3009 Columbia Avenue

Franklin, TN 37064

615-794-2289

~

In lieu of flowers, please make donations to Nashville's Ronald McDonald House

(http://www.rmhnashville.com/donations/index.html)

Thank you!

Prayers Needed Now During CT Scan

Jo mentioned posting here today so I've been waiting to post an update, but I know she's very busy and preoccupied. I talked to Jo earlier this morning and she sent a quick email at noon, and I just heard from our friend, Angela. Here's what I know at this time:

Angela called to say they weren't able to get her off of the bypass, but they took her down for the CT just a half hour or so ago with all the equipment. The big prayer request is of course for a positive CT scan result and also for Tony and Jo as they receive those results.

Apparently they perforated a vein when they pulled out one of the lines, so please pray for that. I'm not exactly sure what that could mean.

Anna was taken off of her seizure medicine this morning, so pray that she doesn't have any seizures.

One possible problem was averted early this morning when they found a clot in her bypass tubes and Anna remained stable while they changed all the tubing.

Thanks again and hopefully Jo will be able to post later today with some news.

Remaining Hopeful!

Several of you have been desperate for an update, and I understand. Jo told me she doesn’t want to update until there’s news, but I know you all just want to know how everything is going, so I’ll try to do that as best I can….

The doctors hadn’t been able to do the CAT scan because she needs to be weaned off of the bypass machine first. The bypass machine is very large and they can’t wheel her in for the CAT until she’s able to keep her heart pumping on its own. The prayer last night into this morning is that they can completely wean her off of the bypass by 8 AM (hopefully that’s happened, I’m going to call to see) so they can wheel her in for a CAT scan to see what’s going on in her little brain. They tried taking her off yesterday morning and her little heart beat on its own for 6 minutes before it gave out, which they felt was good for the first try. Pray that there is no bleeding or swelling of the brain and that there’s no damage.

Along with the kicks yesterday, last night she began responding to light which they believe shows some neurological function. She’s had episodes of dropping bp again and there have been small improvements in some areas and small set backs in others. Jo said she had about six less tubes on her little arm when she returned after being with Grace last night (more kissing room, Jo said). The seizures continue and have increased so they put her on medication to stop them which has made her less responsive (to light and any other stimulation), apparently. She’s needed numerous blood transfusions because the site where the ECMO (bypass machine) is inserted continues to bleed…another reason they need to get her off of that machine, but she seems relatively stable in many areas. Please also pray against infection.

The G's (omitting last name for safety reasons) are getting little signs everywhere they turn that God is hearing their prayers and sustaining them. They do have moments when the fear, doubts, frustrations, and tiredness set in and so they need our prayer covering. Nights are hardest…Anna seems to be worse at night and Jo has been alone and that’s when the fear and doubt are magnified. So, if you are awakened at night for any reason (or you’re like me and tend to be up at 2AM anyway), please pray for them. A group of us ladies stayed at the hospital with Jo until 2 AM last night and she was doing really well last night. SHE was encouraging US! She amazes me! After we all prayed and prayed, we talked…she did most of the talking and laughing and it was good medicine for all of our hearts. I think we all needed a little respite from the sadness. Tony, I think, is taking it the hardest. My heart just breaks thinking about Tony! He loves his baby girl so much. He’s trying to understand it all, and there just is no understanding this side of heaven…but he’s still keeping the faith and holding on to the little progress Anna has made and the little signs from God…a rainbow he saw coming home from the hospital and a shooting star he saw in the sky tonight.

Also pray for Grace. Jo explained to her a little bit about Anna. You all probably know how intuitive and wise she is and she needs to be lifted up, too.

So many people have asked how they can help…besides the obvious and important prayer cover right now, I’m trying to put together a schedule for people to bring meals to them at the hospital so please let me know if you’re in the area and interested. There isn’t a lot of food available at the hospital and it’s a hassle to get the car, drive to a restaurant, park again, etc. (Vanderbilt’s a big hospital). I think they also just like for people to stop by and give them a hug and/or say a prayer with them….no words are necessary, just a hug and letting them know you’re praying. They seem to be good for food at home for a little bit, but I’m sure they could always use freezer meals.

Many out of town friends and family have emailed me to ask how they can help and the only thing I can think of is to keep emailing support, ecards, whatever, and maybe send them a gift card for a restaurant. If anyone knows of restaurants around the hospital or has any other ideas of what friends and family can do from a distance, please share in the comments section. My thought about the gift cards is also that whoever goes home to stay with Grace in the evening can take her for a quick meal on occasion instead of cooking for two. If anyone knows of Grace’s favorite restaurants, please share that with us all, as well. I know she likes Panera for breakfast. Another idea is a Plumgood gift card…Plumgood is a grocery delivery service in our area. They can order groceries from the computer and it will be delivered (free delivery) to their front door in an insulated tote. The website is: http://www.plumgoodfood.com/Pages/Gifts/. We do have a Super Suppers in our area, but I don’t know if they have the freezer space for all the frozen meals.

I’m sorry this is long and doesn’t contain much news. I just know that especially for you all far away, any little detail is news.

On behalf of Jo and Tony and their family, thank you all for your prayers…they feel them and are encouraged by the emails from all around the world telling them of prayers for Anna and the family. All of you family and friends are being prayed for, too! You can also send encouragement or prayers for the family by clicking on "comment" under each post and Jo and Tony will be able to read them.

Remaining hopeful,
Cindy

Anna's Kicking!

We just got home from our visit with Tony, Jo, and Tony’s sister, Shelly and all I can say is that they AMAZE me in their strength. I know God promises us His strength will be made perfect in our weakness, and it is evident in Tony and Jo today…praise God! On behalf of the Goodens, thank you for all of your prayers. Keep them coming as I’m sure there will be waves of grief and confusion. They are still heartbroken and hurting, but they’re hopeful and hanging on along with little Anna.

I hope Jo has a chance to share the details of this story with you because she has a way with a good story…but for now, my version (and hopefully an accurate version)…the medical staff were preparing Anna to see if she was stable enough to be removed from the ECMO (basically a bypass machine if I understand it correctly) so they could bring her in for a CAT scan. While they were messing with something on her leg she kicked the nurse, and then when provoked again kicked two more times! Apparently that was the “sign” we were praying for earlier this morning…the sign they needed to know there was some neurological function. Small, but significant...a little ray of hope to hold onto.

So, we remain hopeful that Anna is just taking some time to “reboot” her computer and she’ll be awake soon and playing. The little fighter looked good considering all the tubes and machines.

Please keep praying and we will try to keep you updated!