Quiet Christmas with a Scare

So looking back on this Christmas I am so in awe of how God lifted our little threesome up to still embrace what could have been a very hard holiday. The splendor, wonder & pure God provided majesty of the season over shadowed our pain. I am not saying that we "forgot Anna" for even a moment because that just does not happen. She is tucked safely in all 3 of our hearts and for Grace & I, usually a day does not pass without one of us mentioning a memory from that sweet 10 weeks. To be honest it comes harder for Tony. God love him he is such a good, tender hearted and sweet hearted father. Loosing our Anna has torn him apart in so many ways but just like me, Tony walks a taller & closer walk with Christ. We all grieve together but on different levels and on different time tables. I have learned very quickly that we have to do it together but also separately with God. There is no expectations of the other to say, feel, do or act as the other has and that is what is working for us. Like I have said before and so many have told me in passing, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve." We cling to the cross and the man who hung on it for our direction and He answers us.

(Grace just posing with her reindeer head-dress)
Christmas was quiet. Grace decided to start feeling a little yucky Christmas night and start carrying a fever. For those of you who do not know how my Grace works, here's a quick explanation(so you do not think I am a negligent momma). By the grace of God, Grace is healthy as a horse. She has a built in immune system that seems to fight the worst of the worst off in just days with only a fever at times to show she is fighting. So I figured this time was the same. We made the decision to head home, Grace & I to VA to visit my folks for the remainder of her school vacation. Tony stayed back in TN since he had to return to work and would limit our visit. Due to Anna's adoption & just timing of things it had been June 2007 since I had gone home to just visit. 18 months is a long time when you love your parents & childhood home/home town like I do. Usually Grace gets to see her Nana & Pop every 3 months and had still had since she was with them while we were in China meeting our Anna. So we started our 12 hour journey to Southampton Co., VA with a stop in Wytheville over night since it is a littler harder when there is only one of you driving. Grace's fever went up/down the whole way there and her glands started to stick out, especially the one under her right ear. Long story short we ended up arriving home(Thank the Good Lord) and Grace spiked a 106 fever. After 5.5 hours in the emergency room, blood work, chest x-ray and ct scan(of lungs), a quick strep test came back positive. Grace had strep. Funny thing is her throat was normal and she had not complained once. The kid eats like a horse and had not stopped even with the fever. Praise God! From head to toe she was checked and it was strep.

For those of you who have followed our progress you know I had mentioned on Anna's birthday how frightened I was of going back into the hospital. Well, that was not just Vandy. It was hospitals in general. I have quietly spoke to God without much commentary to anyone else how the idea of Grace or Tony going to the hospital would scare me to death. I feel the same at this point about my sweet beast of hound, Winston. Winston has needed his teeth cleaned by the vet. for 4 months now and God bless our vet she has completely understood my fear in putting an 11 year old dog under anesthesia for teeth cleaning. Sooo---God wanted to show me without any question that no matter how scared I was of the "hospital" & the fear/trust factor that goes with it I could survive it. His help! His help! His Help! That is all I needed. Now you are not going to believe this but He again gave His personal attention to my need that night. As they were getting ready to take Grace back for the chest X-ray my cell phone rang. My Momma answered and it was Heather back here in TN. The Holy spirit had gotten her attention that night and she just knew something was wrong & that I needed her. Where the fear had suppressed my ability to pray anything other than, "Please, God not Grace. Please God help me!" I stood in the hallway of that hospital and my dear, precious friend prayed for/with me. Then the peace enveloped me like a warm hug. She got on the phone & computer and the prayers were heard. He lifted, supported & strengthened me. Praise God--what would I do without Him? How would I survive? Friendship-A true gift from God(Love you Heather!)!

(Nana, Grace & Gus just chillin' & smillin')

So the rest of the visit was filled with quiet rest & just good ole' fashioned quality time with my folks. For Grace to be able to crawl on the couch with her Nana & Pop and just rest was the best medicine. I watched my 70+ Daddy play hide & seek with her in the back yard a few days later. To see that sweet man hiding behind huge pine trees was just so special. Grace wanted a "tool box" for her reward for being so brave in the E.R. that night. You know my Grace....no princess stuff for her. Pop & her had a blast playing Mr. Fix It. See when they did the chest X-ray the doctor noticed something funny & wanted to be 100% sure Grace was good head to toe. So, we did the CT scan. The tech. was a sweet woman my Momma had known for years and she was so kind to Grace. Grace was scared but so brave. I was praying with her as they prepped her to do the scan and this dear woman over heard me. She said, " I just love hearing the momma's who talk with their babies to God." I told her

how Grace loved God so much already and had such a personal relationship with Him at such an early age. Without hesitation Grace said, "Jesus is my King, The most powerful and the Only King. I love Him & He loves me." Oh, how proud a moment for me. Especially as little tears rolled down her cheeks from fear. My Grace. My little, brave girl with the zeal for life. Yes, the wind had been knocked out of me and it took about 4 days for me to "normalize" but we enjoyed our quiet Christmas so much. The blessing, meaning & true gift of the season was not missed and I am so grateful for every moment.....even our Sunday scare.

In His Embrace,

Jo

God's Gift~Friendship

I know that I am really playing catch up on my posts but it really has taken me a while to work through all the emotions and time of reflection that the months of November & December have awakened in me. I am still working through them and every closing of a year erupts these types of feelings but boy, this year has knocked my socks off. Seriously, it has been intense on so many levels.

In previous posts I have mentioned the names of some gorgeous women who I am honored to call friends. I have also mentioned my "support network" here in TN. That is these same women. The funny(yes, I mean HA, HA, funny) thing is all of us must have gone through similar reflective days at really the same time because there were about 3 days of just the sappiest, warm & fuzzy, Kissie-huggie junk being sent between us via email. You got to love how the mighty Creator formed us Chickie babes. To the outsider & especially outside male it would have seemed pretty estrogen fueled. Regardless, these specific women are the angels God sent to me the night before we said goodbye to Anna. These are the women that laid their hands on me and prayed hard with me for divine intervention or a divine sign into the wee hours of the morning. The women who laughed & cried with me that night and acted on the Holy Spirits behalf to strengthen me one last time before I had to let go.

Two of my dear friends Cindy & Heather honored Anna, Tony, Grace & me with the ultimate gifts the night of Anna's birthday(Dec. 4th). For me they answered a prayer that I had not shared with anyone. A prayer I had cried out silently to God in the shower(where I do my best & most private praying, crying, screaming). I was starting to forget little details of Anna and had pleaded for God's help to remember.....how small her hand was, how she held her fingers up and those toes. Yes, I had pictures and yes, I had looked at them in passing but had not trusted myself to really study them or to start printing off the camera to scrapbook. These two sweet, loving and all giving ladies took so much time and effort to give me just that. The four pictures here can not tell you how special both of these gifts are. To the normal eye they would be a photo book & hand/foot imprint but to me they gave me a little of my Anna back. Now I can pick up her book and see every picture we ever took of Anna and lay my hand on top of her

(Sorry for the positioning of pics but it will not let them move!)

imprints and remember with clear vision how small they were. Every line & crease is in those imprints.....the tedious, mind numbing monotony that had to have taken over while Heather was doing this is just mind blowing. To make imprints from the prints the hospital took of Anna would have seemed impossible to me but not to our Heather. How special could two gifts be? Not even all the diamonds on earth could outweigh their value. I am so blessed to call you both friends. That is a God given gift that I will never take for granted. My grandfather told me one thing as a child that I have remembered and carried to adulthood....."before you die if you can call one person a true friend you are the richest woman alive". Well, Grandaddy I am at the top of Forbes Fortune 500. I love you two!

December 2007 I sat here in TN happy & content but feeling the overwhelming void of loneliness. We were still in the "waiting" stage of our 2nd adoption and yes, I had my family but the closeness of a good friend was still missing. A friend who knew what the ups & downs of adoption and what the wait meant. I had so many friends back home in VA and they will always be my kindred spirits that hold my past & my heart. Some of the most loving people that I still miss in ways everyday. I still was lonely for that companionship that only a woman friend who just lives down the street or across town can provide. A friend that knows your stories, knows your little idiosyncrasies and still loves ya. I prayed for that last year in the "reflective ending of 2007". God answered that prayer and yes, it took a horrible moment in my life for me to really "see" that they had been all around me but it was me who had not let them in. God gave me a miracle which made me vulnerable in "trusting" to let someone know me here in TN.....the real Jo, the ugly and not so together Jo.

He gave me Anna & He gave friends who have held my hand, wiped my tears, prayed with me and for me everyday since I had to let her go. Thank each of you for your part in helping me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin to try to start all over again. To my network of Godly made supportive women I dedicate this post to you......God guides my keystrokes to thank You! Cindy, Heather, Angela, Stefanie, Amy, Leslie. You walk the walk & You talk the talk. God bless you! In addition it is with sweet sincerity that I thank Patrice, Robin, Anne & Teresa. You each are so inspirational to me. I look forward to the years to come and the moments we will share. God's gifts........ Friendship is one of the best!

Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one [wo]man sharpens another."

Hugs,

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 3

Driving back to the house from dropping off Heather I always pass this gorgeous horse farm. It sits in the curve of a back road here in Franklin. I will never forget how the sky looked over the horizon of that farm. The gray heavy clouds were starting to break apart shooting rays of hidden sun through them.....then the Almighty answered my first prayer of the morning......(to give me another focus other than my pain).
I had not thought of her since June 16, 2008, the day they put Anna in my arms. My mind went to a woman a half a world away who was remembering Dec. 4th because it was burned into her memory. The day she gave birth to a sweet baby girl. The baby girl that a month later she would leave on the cardiac floor of the local children's hospital in the dark of night so that she would not be arrested. A woman who left that sweet baby girl because her lips were blue and she knew she could not provide her with what she needed. A woman not like me who was probably a half a world away grieving her baby girl without knowing if she survived or where she might be. Then the real blessing of the day grabbed my heart. It rang loud and clear. I am Anna's mother for forever and I know the truth! I know that she is sitting on the lap of Jesus today, her heart beating fully without struggle. I know they are both smiling because they are both pleased with her birthday project. I know the promise, that one day I will see my sweet baby girl again & will hold her tight cheek to cheek and dance and never tire. That is my focus, that is my blessing and that no matter how the pain throbs I just need to remember the Promise. What a truth to make you smile.....just as I am smiling typing this tonight.

So once I arrived home I closed my eyes and asked my Maker to please by some miracle give that woman a world away peace like me today. I prayed for her to know Him and if she did not for someone to enter her life that would introduce the truth to her. For her to accept Him as hers so that one day she too can see our Anna again and share eternity.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this very long post-part 1(I promise there were a ton of other things I have omited) I wanted to find a way to help Grace with her confusion with Anna going to heaven before blowing out birthday candles. I prayed over this for a good month & sound boarded so many of my support network here in TN. Finally I shut up long enough to hear God tell me how to do it. Not only this year but every year.

You see I am completely at peace with the perfect plan God had for our Anna. To be at peace with it does not mean that I will not miss her every moment of every day until I draw my last breath. It means I do not plan on spending every year from this year on thinking "Anna would be 4 this year, Anna would be 5 this year and so on." No, for me my Anna was to be 2 years, 8 months & 23 days old. That was God's plan & I played a role in that plan but I will never wonder "what if". This is how I am personally comforted with this horrible event & dealing with the question "Why?" The horrible question that we will never know the answer to this side of heaven. I know others who live differently and God bless each of us and how we find comfort. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We grieve not by choice but the best way we can.

So my answer was for Grace & I to light white luminaries around Anna's memorial here in our neighborhood. It was for us to pray, read His word and for Grace to release three balloons(one white, two silver) into the nights sky. As we released them we said a special prayer.....the 1st was to thank God & praise Him for allowing us to love Anna and for her to hear us that night especially when we sent our love & sang Happy Birthday. 2nd was for God to continue to guide, protect & love the children in need of this world, especially all the children w/out momma's & poppa's. 3rd was to thank God for loving our family so attentively and to continue to help us with our grief. To make His plan known to us as a family and the role He wants us to play in helping the orphans of this world.

For it to have been a rainy, dreary day around dusk the sky finally cleared, the stars came out and the air turned crisp. For Grace, Tony, a few close friends & myself it was the perfect way to celebrate the end of a beautiful birthday filled with endless blessings. As we walked back to our house and turned to see the luminaries glowing across the pond Grace was content. She told me that it was prettier than just candles on a cake....she knew Anna had seen them. My prayer for her to be at peace with Anna's birthday was just answered. Praise God from who ALL BLESSINGS FLOW & my how they GLOW!

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 2

So as we drove away from Vandy I was just plain giddy. It was perfect. Our project had ended perfectly just as it had started. So my next desire was to head to the cemetery to place a little something at Anna's spot and to see the Christmas tree the funeral home had written to us about. You see one of the funeral directors at Williamson takes the time to put up a tree and hand make ornaments in honor of all who they have served during the calendar year. Then after the first each family comes to receive the ornament as a gift. I wanted to see Anna's ornament. The tree was breathtaking. It took you a moment to process that each ornament represented a loss for another family somewhere. It made me feel very small in my pain. No, I am not the only one grieving. Thank you dear God for the 2nd prayer You answered on this special day(the prayer was for God to allow me to stop focusing on the pain I was suffering). While standing there we noticed two snowflakes attached and they caught your eye immediately. Come to find out it was a mother & child. Both had perished due to complications in the pregnancy. I was shocked with the realization of what that husband/father must have gone through & was still going through. To walk through the valley in the shadow of death is an experience enough, but to loose them both must of be like a living hell here on earth. My heart wept for that dear man & he will continue to be in my daily prayers. I was moved by how Pam the director could tell us with such clarity about each person on each ornament. 4 months ago she had been our angel in making the worst arrangements imaginable and I realized that is what God made & designed her so perfectly for. I along with I know countless others thank you sweet Pam for your love & attention to detail. Amazing how the Father who has so much in His hands can ordain even the most minuet detail in our lives. How humbling a thought to think Him so wise and me so unworthy. Another moment of this special day ended with a sweet amazing blessing. Thank you again Heather for capturing this part of our day.

Jo

Birthday Blessings Part 1

I awoke Thursday, December 4, 2009 to a cold, rainy and damp day. You know the kind of dampness that makes your bones ache? I awoke that morning with my heart hurting for what the day meant to our family and prayed to my beautiful Maker to give me a focus for my hurt. A focus other than my pain & the painful, scary memories of the place I was returning to that morning. You see I was going back to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and even though my reason for returning was such an amazing one I was suddenly scared. I was flooded as I showered and got dressed with vivid details of my time spent at Vanderbilt in August. Oh, how your brain with the wonderful help and egging on of Satan can just stir up so much pain. I grabbed the sink and told myself in the mirror "That is enough.......God get rid of this junk and talk to me."

Let's back up to the reason I was preparing to return to Vandy. A dear, beautiful and fairly new friend had passed on a service project idea that her sweet family did yearly. Heather, you know who you are and I thank God everyday for sharing your passion for children, especially special needs orphans to me. This is a time in my life when God knows I need to see the "passion" side of this earthly life up close & personal. He gave me you......thank you! Heather shared with me the idea and without ever getting the opportunity to meet or touch my sweet Anna knew it was a perfect way I could honor her birthday "the right way". You see I had voiced over & over to all my friends who are walking this journey with me here in TN that I did not want to celebrate Anna's birthday the way that I would if she was still earthbound. That being said there was such an urgency for my Grace to be able to visualize Anna's celebration and feel that her sister was seeing it in heaven. You see, the one thing Grace still was finding hard to understand was why Jesus would take her baby sister to heaven without being allowed to blow out birthday candles first. Birthday candles as most of you know are very important to a 5 year old. So we started the First Annual Anna Marie "Just For Me" Packets. This was to initially be just a small service project where we would fill manila envelopes with a coloring book, crayons(3-5), a sheet of stickers and a small container of play-doh. I thought that it would be the quiet part of our celebration and Grace & I would deliver lets say....50 packets to Vandy from our family, Grace's kindergarten class & a few close friends. Then Heather suggested I email this idea out and let my email address book know what I was doing......I was very hesitant about this because I just did not want people to be burned out on the "G----- family" and what we were going through. After a good bit of coaxing and a ton of brow beating Heather & another beautiful friend Cindy talked me into doing just that. I emailed out a quick heads up and a picture of the flyer I had made up for Grace's class. Well, you could have knocked me over with the response I got. Within an hour my wonderful friend and co-worker Cathy from Notre Dame Academy in VA called me to say the student council for the school had decided to adopt Anna' s birthday project as a school community service project. Krista the faculty advisor to student council was my dear friends daughter and a long time sweet child that had and continues to hold a special place in my heart. Tony & I used to look at Cathy's girls and say over & over "we pray one day we will be blessed with good girls like Cathy's". Now the young lady I had watched grow into a strong, beautiful faith filled woman was honoring my Anna. To say I was moved is an understatement. Along with NDA, the Franklin Special School District Girl Scout Troops led by a dear neighbor and her daughter called to say they were on board. This with so many friends and family members donations we made just shy of 500 "Just For Me Packets" for Vandy to honor Anna's birthday. It was a beautiful, simple project but one I knew would bring so many smiles. Like I quoted in my heads up email, " If my Anna would have opened her eyes last August, I know a packet like this would have received the warmest of smiles & the sweetest of giggles".

Now, fast forward.......

I am driving to pick up Heather who in her usual "grab the bull by the horns" fashion has already contacted Vandy ahead of time to say we are coming & be prepared. She had contacted the head of volunteer services and had it all lined up. It is starting to sleet & snow mix as I am driving and I am praying silently and out loud for God to strengthen me and not make me have to enter the hospital unless it is really necessary. I voiced this weakness to Heather as she got in and as only a true, good friend would say, "No big deal, they are meeting us at the valet parking entrance and you do not have to go in." Oh, one prayer answered and without knowing it so many left ahead of me on this special day. To say the people at Vandy were surprised would be an understatement. I think they would not have been more surprised if we had hit them in the head with a board. They greeted us with one little red wagon. In classic Heather fashion she said, "Oh, that is not going to work." Tony's truck was full of these wonderful packets to the point that there was only room for Heather & I(Grace had school that day & her part in the celebration was yet to come). So quickly as possible we unloaded the packets. Boy, was it cold. I informed the director we would see her next year on Dec. 4th but she better be ready because next year I would be driving a U-Haul to get the project delivered. Each of YOU are the reason for that......Thank you so much! Believe it or not we have already received monetary donations for next years project and so many more volunteers to sponsor our sweet celebration. Amazing! So amazing! The pictures speak for themselves and I have Heather, yet again to thank for those. You can see how the packets were decorated by all the students, scouts & children. Each packet had a sticker with Anna's picture telling that even though she was in heaven celebrating this year her gift was for that recipient. A little footnote: Heather and her church group did another 100+ packets the following weekend and delivered them the following week.....so grand total we gave around 700 children smiles from Anna. Oh, what a blessing, what a gift, what a birthday morning! Hope you enjoy the pictures!