Thursday, June 25, 2009

Roller coasters

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. Up, down & all around. I have always been a fan of roller coasters but at the same time I like them in small doses. Two trips to an amusement park usually is enough for me. We adore Busch Gardens back home in Williamsburg & miss those bi-annual visits. The roller coaster I seem to be strapped to these days is a roller coaster I really am not enjoying. This coaster is one I believe I will be riding for the rest of my life. I find myself up one moment then down in a free falling dip the next. You know the female psyche is not the most balanced to begin with. We hormonally go every which way but loose on our own without any outside influences. Now throw all the additions each of us are blessed enough to call our own.....motherhood, being a Godly wife, being a good daughter, sister, professional, friend, home-maker, artist, domestic goddess.....each of us have our own paths, each of us our own story. The strains & stresses of each of our God given lives add to that already rickety old seat. So the next step is to tighten our seat belt and to hold on for dear life, pray to God that the man made machine made to thrill does not kill us. Then we SCREAM!!!!!!!!!......scream with fear, excitement & eventually for just the release of what our bodies are trying to handle. I know I am not the first to compare their lives to a roller coaster & I know I will not be the last but this gives you a clear cut picture of how every ounce of me feels right now. I have never embraced this type of chaos & now I really hate it. There is nothing I can do about it but continue to hold on and pray. I pray so hard at times that it physically hurts.

Yesterday is a day I got on my knees and asked for help over & over. I got home from work and went upstairs to straighten Grace's room & make her bed. The mornings Tony & Grace get ready on their own leaves little time to get these kind of things done. As I went by the fish tank I realized Dory was swimming yet again upside down. For a lot of you, you know the story of our now almost 2.5 year old goldfish Dory. Dory came home to us in Jan. of 07'. She was a fantail goldfish bought with some of Grace's Christmas money. Nana & Pop had gotten Grace a tank for her Sept. birthday & followed it with some mad money to buy a fish after Christmas. Your usual $5 fish. Well, Dory was a great fish. She had personality plus. Really, I am not lying...she was a neat fish. Last year, right after Anna died Dory started acting more bizarre than usual. She would do this sideways swim then float upside down to the top of the bowl. We figured the end was near. We were wrong. Dory kept as strong as she could until yesterday. Doing her usual dead man float she did not respond when I tapped the tank. You see, back during spring break one night when Tony & Grace took a Poppa/Daughter trip to Chattanooga over night Dory had done the same thing. I went as far as dropping her into the toilet when to my surprise Dory was ALIVE! Let me just say I jumped & about wet my pants I was so surprised to see that crazy fish swimming in Grace's potty. We figure the cold water shocked her heart to move again. So yesterday we took that long life-less walk but Dory never flinched. Dory had finally grown too tired. I know you are thinking it is just a fish. No, to us in this family every member(even the fish) are adored & cherished. So I hit my knees and thanked God that Dory's body was at peace at last but asked him to please help me deal with yet another goodbye. Grace handled the news rather well....since one of her best buddies was coming to stay the night I think it helped. She wants another fish but I think we will wait till school starts so no one has to tend to the fish for us when we travel. I did notice the sad look in her eyes went she went upstairs last night. She looked at me and said, " Momma, now I am really alone up here. Even Dory has gone to heaven." Oh, the pain to see those sad brown eyes looking at me that way.

I called Tony on his cell to share the news & he felt the same as me. Grateful but it made our already sore hearts bleed once again. That is when he shared the glorious news. The IRS has finally determined that Anna's Forever Families is to be a 501c3 non-profit corporation. We got a verbal thumbs up & now we can start the fundraising. We will be getting the official paperwork in the mail within the month. See roller coaster down then roller coaster up. So I have been thinking with this news & the 1st year anniversary of Anna's death approaching I will be shutting down this blog. I want to start a new blog Anna's Forever Family. Yes that is what our title is here but I want the blog address to also reflect the name. That is who we are now. Anna needs no more prayers. She was the sparkling answer to ours. She now resides with the Highest of High. So I will be working the next two months to start a new blog. One that continues my little angels legacy but also tells who we are & where we are & how far we have come. A blog that will follow the roller coaster of our lives but will bring only glory to our King & our angel. So for now I continue to ask for your prayers of strength and endurance. Prayers for my sweet Grace who has lost another loved one.

In His Embrace,

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