Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Like The Day After Christmas

I had not planned on writing today. My heart was open & wanting to share on Sunday but
I felt like today would just be too hard. This 27th of May hit me right when the alarm clock went
off. The memories of Anna leaving. You know you would think the fact that she is with Jesus & just fine that I would not grieve so hard. Oh, if I could stop the hurt. Being a human really, really stinks at times. So the alarm clock went off and it was 5:30 & time to go to work. My body did not want to begin this day but my brain knew I needed the distraction. The whole way to work my eyes were welling up. I sat in my car and prayed for God to strengthen me to go in and do my 6-6.5 hours today(since it was a holiday Monday we were backed up-- I got a little overtime in).
Sitting down with my trainer I found myself going to August 27, 2008.....holding Anna for the last time. I kept trying to focus my attention on what she was showing me. Finally, I got going on my own & the morning flew by. At break time this sweet co-worker who is training me said something I will never forget. "Jo, I was thinking about you loosing your sweet baby....9 months ago today,right? Well, driving in I was trying to put myself in your shoes. Would I be strong enough? I imagine it feels like the day after Christmas over & over for you."
I was stunned. The day after Christmas. I had never thought of it that way but man, she nailed it in a new way. Tony & I just LOVE Christmas. We were married in December for that very reason. That is just how I feel the day after. A sadness you can not quite pinpoint. You know next year Christmas will come & you know you will carry the spirit of the season in your heart during it's absence, but you feel sad.
That is how I felt today......melancholy. Sad because I had a little piece of heaven(just like Christmas) for 10 weeks and now she is gone. Just like Christmas I will see her again, just like Christmas I will embrace her again but unlike Christmas I will have to wait until I am called home to do it.
Until then I hold on to one thought......this world was never meant for one as beautiful as my Anna. Thank you all for your prayers today. We felt them! Keep them coming, they help more than you can ever imagine!
In His Love,
Jo

1 comment:

MomOfOneMore said...

I like the analogy too. Sad, but oh, so true.

I was thinking as I got caught up on your blog that you're the first blogger I've followed that talked openly about "a year of first's" after the loss of a precious child. It's been amazing to read how your journey has unfolded and I appreciate your courageousness to be HONEST about your feelings (I know some people might not appreciate honest but I think that's just because it hurts them too and they don't want to hurt - who does?). So, as you continue to work through your year of "firsts", I pray your story will bless someone else...someday...in some big way. I know you'll be amazed down the road when you hear "I remember what you said three years ago...it helped me". Hang in there, my friend. As you know, it often gets harder before it gets easier...but it does get easier.
love, your Utah friend