Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The World Stopped

I was watching TV tonight and saw a commercial for a new program coming out later this fall on either ABC or NBC where everyone all over the earth blacks out for 2 minutes and during that 2 mins. they experience a premonition. One year ago today I did not black out but the world stopped as I knew it and I had a premonition too. The premonition that I was about to step outside of the life I knew and into a life I did not want to know. The life of a parent after the loss of their child.

That was back then. Today I find myself energized and renewed to the fact I am only inches away from conquering what is known as the "first year". This year has been the hardest year of my life. Like I have said before I have experienced other hard times in my life and the way I handled them--well, honestly I am not proud of how I handled them. Times that only the grace of my Heavenly Father can forgive. This year was different. I am different. My walk is the walk of the humbled servant who can only receive strength from her Lord & Savior. I am so humbled because He still loves me with all my flaws. He saw something in me that I did not even see in myself when He gave me the gift of Anna. He trusted me. He continues to trust me with one of His rare valuables....our Grace. I can see clearly every step He put into place for Tony & I to receive out sweet girls. How humbling. To think He has spent this much time on me? You know there is a lot of us down here? How does He do it? I do not know but I have full faith in everything He does or does not do. Sometimes His answer is "NO!", and no matter how hard that is for our human, weak flesh to hear, He is always right. A year ago I heard "no", to my Anna coming out of Vanderbilt well. Back then I shook my fist and wailed to Him about the unfairness. I did that off/on for a long time. All the while the constant cry out to Him, "God help me"!

Tonight inches away from the pinnacle, I praise Him. I sing a song of thanksgiving in my soul for only my sweet Jesus. I am still alive. I have a beautiful life and He is teaching me daily how to embrace my life around my loss. He holds my future, He holds my present and He holds my past. The past that was good, bad, ugly, sad and Anna. I completely trust Him with each. I praise Him for each.....who has time to wallow in sadness when you have truth like that surrounding you? Like I love to say...."the proof is in the puddin'". Boy, He made my pudding sweet! Just like another song I love...."Just give me Jesus".

Forever In His Hands,
Jo

4 comments:

Wife of the Pres. said...

Jo, You are beautiful inside and out. Yet what stands out most is your heart. It RADIATES Christ.

I'm in tears. I wish I knew something to say. I wish I had been more supportive. I feel like I've given what I could, but it hasn't been much.

Thank you for your example to me. If I ever have to walk the walk you have of placing my baby girl in the arms of Jesus before I go home, I hope I can walk it half as humbly as you have.

Wife of the Pres. said...

Jo, You are beautiful inside and out. Yet what stands out most is your heart. It RADIATES Christ.

I'm in tears. I wish I knew something to say. I wish I had been more supportive. I feel like I've given what I could, but it hasn't been much.

Thank you for your example to me. If I ever have to walk the walk you have of placing my baby girl in the arms of Jesus before I go home, I hope I can walk it half as humbly as you have.

babslb said...

Thinking of you, Grace, and Tony. Praying for each of you. It is amazing that you can write what you write and know the truth to your core - It is Amazing Grace!
Love ya'll
stefanie

Lindsey's mom said...

Jo
WOnderful post. Please know I will light a candle again this December for Anna.
Kathy