Happy Birthday....Me!

You know birthdays when you are a kid seem to be the most important things ever! You literally wish your life away as a child due to wanting the next birthday to come quickly. Grace is such a fan of birthdays. I figure it started right when we brought her home since 2 months later we were celebrating her 1st birthday. I know she doesn't recall that one but oh, she has the heart of a kid who likes to make someone feel special on their day of birth.

My birthday started a day early this year May 29th. I had to work on Friday but came home to a house quiet because Grace & her Poppa were gone somewhere. The kitchen table was set with three paper plates, napkins & three forks. Winston was home but no Grace or Tony. I had gotten home about 30 minutes early since we had a small number of requisitions to get done at the lab. I tried Tony's cell phone several times since he was on call for work & knew he needed to get in to the office soon. I was afraid he had gotten called out and had to take Grace with him. Everything did not add up since the table was set. Then I thought maybe they went out to get lunch for a special treat & surprise. An early birthday gift. Well a little while later I heard them come in. I was upstairs & Tony yelled, "please do not come down till we call you!" A few minutes later Grace's little voice hollered "Come on down Momma, we have a surprise for you!" In the middle of the table was a cake with a ton of candles lit(not 39 though--I do not think I had that many in the house), a bouquet of VERY colorful flowers, party hats & a homemade card by my precious Grace. I took a picture so you could see her surprise & her beautiful picture.....it reads, "I will never take my heart off of you." It has a rainbow, "Anna's sky", hearts & a birthday cake. Ever since Anna died Grace & I think rosy sunsets are the picture of Anna in heaven. The rainbows are to remind us that God never forgets His promises. The hearts are something she is drawing daily here lately. She loves to draw rainbows & hearts. Just like most 5 year old girls.

I was informed by Tony that she woke him at 7:30 that morning to inform him of everything she wanted to do for my birthday. Tony explained over & over to no avail that my birthday was Sat. the 30th. She informed him in Grace's way that she wanted to surprise me starting Friday. She told him I needed to have a party & they were going to throw it. For those of you who have known me for a long time(most of my VA kindred spirits) you also know Tony. You know that Tony is not known for his romantic or even sweet gestures. He is just not that type of man. Never has been & finally I believe after 15 years of marriage I finally have accepted it. So to have my sweet 5 year old crack the whip, yank him to 3 stores & like a dog with a bone not let go of her plan.....well, it is hilarious. You go Grace! That is my baby! She has a HUGE heart. Her Poppa does not have a fighting chance when she is on a mission.

This story actually started about a week ago when Grace asked when I would have my party. I explained that most grown ups just did not have parties. That was something when you were little you did. She informed me that, "Momma, that is messed up!" "Even big people need to be happy." "Birthday parties make me real happy, Momma!" This conversation was going on while driving to the grocery store. Once we got to Kroger she saw a bouquet of daisies that they had died bright blue, yellow, orange, etc. She was so impressed by this. She said, "Momma they remind me of you...happy & full of sunshine & summertime." I told her yes, they were very pretty but was really concentrating on the produce section & my list. I did not say that I thought they were the craziest looking flowers I had ever seen.

So that is why I have the most colorful flowers ever imagined on my kitchen table this weekend. I adore every silly dyed daisy it holds. Tony tried very hard to get her to get some tea roses that he knows I love but she would not budge. She wanted the crazy daisies! While eating my cookies & cream cake with my most favorite person(Tony had a piece & had to head to work) Grace put her hot(her hands are always like little pieces of hot coal), sweet hand on mine and said very sincerely, "Momma, I hope you enjoyed your surprise. I think you have been so surprised you can not take much more. I want you to know I try really hard to do things to make you happy." The cake got stuck in my throat & the tears started to surface. I asked if I had been too sad lately? She shook her head and said "no", then looked right into my face & said, "I like it best when you smile though.....Momma, this made you smile." How can I ever be sad? How can I feel some days like I want to just.....stop. Just stop everything. Breathing, feeling and hurting. How can I feel like that when I have the most beautiful miracle still right with me. God has given me Grace and His will is for me to be happy with her and for her. This is a moment I will hold in my mind every "bad" day that surfaces in the future. I know they will be coming.

This birthday has been bitter sweet. Like most days, hours, minutes here lately. 39, one of those years that is well, really just a number. Next year is supposed to be the "biggie". Well, I look at 39 as "my biggie". It is the year that proves I can survive one of the most life changing and crippling events. It has shown me that I can live & slowly start to enjoy to live again. God can carry me in the cleft of His hand until I can walk again. God can take my bad days & handle the shake of my fist. He hears my cries & wipes my tears with His spirit. He gives me beauty in my family & shows me His face everyday in my Grace. So no, I am not upset to be one year away from 40. I praise God for continuing His unbelievable rebuilding of "me". I praise Him that I am still alive. I praise Him that I have Grace, Tony, Winston(da' hound), Dory(da' Fish) and all of our other family & friends we are blessed with. I praise Him that I am finally able to stand & starting to get my strength to walk maybe one day soon, run. 40--no biggie. If I made it to see 39, well, with my God & the loves of my life I can age without concern. My wrinkles & gray hair are my battle scars but I am still a warrior of the Highest of Kings. Thank you God! Thank you! Thank you!

No matter how many years pass, each of us remain forever new inside.

So celebrate! Souls that belong to Jesus never wrinkle!

Hugs, Jo

Like The Day After Christmas

I had not planned on writing today. My heart was open & wanting to share on Sunday but
I felt like today would just be too hard. This 27th of May hit me right when the alarm clock went
off. The memories of Anna leaving. You know you would think the fact that she is with Jesus & just fine that I would not grieve so hard. Oh, if I could stop the hurt. Being a human really, really stinks at times. So the alarm clock went off and it was 5:30 & time to go to work. My body did not want to begin this day but my brain knew I needed the distraction. The whole way to work my eyes were welling up. I sat in my car and prayed for God to strengthen me to go in and do my 6-6.5 hours today(since it was a holiday Monday we were backed up-- I got a little overtime in).
Sitting down with my trainer I found myself going to August 27, 2008.....holding Anna for the last time. I kept trying to focus my attention on what she was showing me. Finally, I got going on my own & the morning flew by. At break time this sweet co-worker who is training me said something I will never forget. "Jo, I was thinking about you loosing your sweet baby....9 months ago today,right? Well, driving in I was trying to put myself in your shoes. Would I be strong enough? I imagine it feels like the day after Christmas over & over for you."
I was stunned. The day after Christmas. I had never thought of it that way but man, she nailed it in a new way. Tony & I just LOVE Christmas. We were married in December for that very reason. That is just how I feel the day after. A sadness you can not quite pinpoint. You know next year Christmas will come & you know you will carry the spirit of the season in your heart during it's absence, but you feel sad.
That is how I felt today......melancholy. Sad because I had a little piece of heaven(just like Christmas) for 10 weeks and now she is gone. Just like Christmas I will see her again, just like Christmas I will embrace her again but unlike Christmas I will have to wait until I am called home to do it.
Until then I hold on to one thought......this world was never meant for one as beautiful as my Anna. Thank you all for your prayers today. We felt them! Keep them coming, they help more than you can ever imagine!
In His Love,
Jo

The Climb

I can almost see it
that dream I am dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it".
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels lost with no direction.
My faith is shaking.
But I gotta keep trying.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle.
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb!
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I'm not breaking.
I may not know it.
But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I got to be strong.....
Just keep pushing on.
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain.
I am always gonna want to make it move.
Always going to be an uphill battle.
Someones going to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing....
Keep the faith, baby......
It's all about, it's all about, the climb!
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa!

O.K., before anyone writes me. Yes, this is a Miley Cyrus song. No, I am not a fan. However,this song should be on my forehead. I just heard this song this last week and it brought me to tears. No, I know that is not hard to do these days but it did make me stop and cry. This is life right now. This is life 9 months later.....9 months ago tomorrow was the catherization. When time stopped for me. When I saw my old life flash in front of me. Three days later I would start a new life. A life without my Anna. Would we do it again? If we knew then what we do now. Would we have signed that application for a special needs-heart disorder specific child? Yes ma'am, Yes sir! In a heart beat(irony at its best). I would not trade my journey to, with or even after Anna. We may be a small family. We are a strong family. Strong in our walk with the Lord. So to "pick up my cross daily- to die daily" so that I can bear His fruit! I/we would do it all again.

So I started my new job. Hard & interesting is a good description. It has been the first two weeks and my mind and body are tired. I realize this is going to take some getting use to. Getting up 4 days a week at 5:30 am is tough for this old housewife of 5.5 years. No, I am not whining. Just stating a fact. It is going to take some getting use to. I turn 39 in 6 days and the ole' body is not what she used to be. The mind is willing but oh, the body likes her sleep! I like the job, it is tough on the eyes but it will do for now. No, I do not think it is a lifetime career move but it is an answered prayer. 5 hours, four days a week I get lost in work. No memories replaying, no sadness and no tears. Just work. This is good!


Grace's last day of kindergarten was last Thursday. Where did the year go? She is a big, bad first grader to be. To celebrate we went to get our toes & fingernails done. Yes, my tough tomboy wanted to go with Momma to spend her Mother's Day gift. What a kick it was to watch that little(even though she is so tall) thing get in that big pedicure chair. We had a blast! I attached two pics because this had to be recorded. Yes, there are flowers on 4 of her nails. Her idea after it was suggested by the nail tech. She was very proud of herself when only 1 nail was smeared. Hey, I think it was good only smearing one after an exciting day of party food at school & just being pooped. We came home after a little side trip to the "Dollar Tree", one of our favorite stores to take a cat nap. I can not remember the last time I curled up with my baby and just took a nap. Her sweet little body warm next to mine and the peaceful rhythm of her snoring. What a sweet time. I love my Grace so much. I love that I was off the last day of school so we could have so much fun together. Sweet and simple fun.

See, 9 months after the loss of my baby I am starting to let myself live again. Last month(April) was the first month I did not wake up on the 27th and realize it was the day Anna died. I was so focused on life....getting Grace signed up for day camp, taking my drug test for the new job and enjoying a gorgeous sunny day here in TN. My dear Cindy called to check on me & that is when it hit me. At first I felt a wave of guilt & then I cried with praise. Praise to my Maker for answering my prayers. Prayers to let me feel like living again & to let me enjoy my beautiful life again. Since then I have started work & realized with in the first week that it was hard to go back to work. Part of my brain still thought I should have a sweet little toddler at home and I should be at home with her. So this last week I have grieved my time with Anna. I have asked God to show me how to make this new place I am in feel right. Driving home one day from work this is what popped into my thoughts..."You have gone through this. Now what are you going to do with it? Be a victim? Show the world what it means to be hurt? Or will you show the world what it means to be Mine? To walk through the valley in the shadow of death and still be strong. To die as yourself & reflect Me! To pick your cross up daily, to die daily and live for and show only Me." This I knew was God once again answering my prayer, giving me direction and showing me the way to strive.
We are healing. One day at a time. One life change or event at a time. We have hope, we carry faith & we are striving to reflect only the love of our Savior. We are starting to live again and actually starting to enjoy it. Who knows what is over the next mountain? The beautiful thing is Tony, Grace & myself are climbing them together. Climbing upward and looking at the horizon. Looking to God for our direction and having the "littlest" of angels as our safety rope. Who would of thought someone so small could have had such an impact?

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose."
Jim Elliott

Love & Hugs,
Jo

Time

Time cannot break the bird's wing from the bird.

Bird and wing together go down, one feather.

No thing that ever flew; not the lark, not you,

Can die as others do.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I read the above poem a week or so ago. I guess the way it describes time & what I believe is my Saviors death drew me to it. Time. Tony & I were discussing time just yesterday. Time is mind boggling. The last months have been so hard but so precious. Time is what God uses to allow us to heal. To have a broken heart is a wound that never completely heals. In time, God shows us that we can focus on living again & live around the wound. We do that because we love Him & we want to glorify Him. We do that because we know Anna is whole. Because we know one day the time we spent here on earth will seem so minuet. That eternity with Jesus and Anna is not only a promise but a fact. Eternity. Our human minds & hearts can not even grasp the meaning or expanse of ETERNITY. Oh, how I look forward to eternity in heaven. I say this humbly not in any way with pride or ownership. I know the living sacrifice & resurrection of Christ is the only reason I will someday see heaven. Nothing I did, do or will ever do will give me that gift. Only my Jesus. For a sinner like me....oh, how sweet my Jesus is!

Time has shown us we can heal. We can hope again with that healing. For Tony I believe I saw the spark of hope return in his eyes the day he ran the Music Marathon. He ran the whole marathon & completed the 26.2 miles under 5 hours. This is not too shabby for a first time runner at the age of 44. That's my man! Grace & I were and are so proud of the bald guy. He now has the fever and hopes to run the Chicago marathon next. No, he decided to do that next year not this year. One year at a time.

I saw the hope return to my Grace the night Tony & I sat her down to tell her we were going to start the adoption process once more in September. From my previous post you know how God showed us this. I feel the day we realized that we were "survivors" and could fight the good fight once more it gave the sparkle of hope to each of us. So since then my Grace has not had any more nightmares or bad dreams. Amazing! Just the promise of having a sibling again....the realization of the original promise not dying with our Anna gave her hope. Oh, thank you God!

For me.....well, I have held on to my hope with both fists clenched tight. I have held on to the robe of my Savior for dear life. My life. So many times I have and know I will continue to feel the swell of darkness closing in on me. He is my life line. My Tony & my Grace are my floatation devices. I have HOPE! He heard my prayers. He heard me even on the days I could only pray, "God Help Me!". He hears me & He answers me. One answer has come in the form of a part time job. I will be a specimen accessioner for Labcorp of America soon. 20 hours a week- four days a week for five hours. I know this is not a "fix". This is hope that will soon return the sparkle in my eye. A way for me to start to find me again. I praise God for providing to me what is so hard for others to find now-a-days---a job. This is a gift I will not take lightly. Here in TN unemployment is at an all time high. This is hitting everyone around us. How blessed Tony & I are. We thank God everyday for our blessed life.

So thank each of you for saying, "it is going to take time". You are so right. Time is what heals. Time is what brings learning, wisdom & growth. Time is what brings HOPE again. God's gift of time. How fortunate we are to have that as a blessing. God Bless You & Keep You!

In His Hands,

Jo

An Early Mother's Day Gift

There are so many of you who monitor this blog that remember the day of Anna's funeral. Parts of that day seem to blur in my mind. One part I remember very clearly was the amazing flowers, plants & bushes that were sent by so many sweet people. The house was full in every room & this house is one that usually has a ton of open space. I remember being in a panic over this. We had requested in lieu of flowers donations be sent to the Nashville Ronald McDonald house. People had done that too but still sent us beautiful arrangements. I am a little OCD about certain things(OK, for those really close to me a "lot" of things). One thing I have a real problem with is watching living things die. I do not have a green thumb or a black thumb. I am just one of those in between people. Due to this fact I try to keep my plants to a minimum so I can hopefully keep everything alive & thriving. I have been very successful with that with a handful of plants....one I have had now, an Irish shamrock plant that I received as a partial transplant from a room-mate when I was 19. So Mr. Mac Gregor(yes, I name my plants and talk to them weekly(laugh if you must but it works for me)) has been with me almost 20 years.

So back to August 30, 2008.....as very special people left the house that day I gave them one of the many plants we had received. I knew there was no way I could keep them all alive and the panic of having something else die anytime soon was overwhelming. I look back on it and I was really in a state of panic-not quite right. I also wanted these people to have something of my Anna. I know even typing it, it sounds strange but I consider anything that was in anyway connected to my Anna to be special. I am her Momma, what else would I think? So people graciously left with peace lilies, basket gardens, cut arrangements, etc. Late that night I sat at the kitchen table having a glass of wine(my nerves were shot & I am not a drinker-so one did me in) and felt good about the plants that were left. I was feeling very confident that I could keep them alive. In the following days I bought beautiful pots & containers so I could transplant the huge basket gardens & have the individual plants breath with new space. They did for several months. Out of about 20 plants I now have only 3 still with me. The weak nature of so many of them was their downfall and then some got over or under watered, etc. I am proud to have kept the three I still have alive. It was with a very sad heart that the others were eventually discarded. I tried so hard.

One of these three still living is an African violet. Well, lets just say that ole' Jo has never, I mean never had any luck with African violets. This particular one was in a garden basket sent by Anna's pediatrician(Dr. Smeltzer). I love Dr. Smeltzer. I think he is the kindest most wonderful doctor & fellow adoptive parent I could be blessed to know. When I transplanted the violet it was a deep, dark purple still in bloom. Within days the blooms perished but the plant still looked good. By Christmas it was going down hill. I could tell where I had placed it in the house was just not a good place. I was going to loose it too. I hope those of you reading this see the underlining meaning to my need to keep things alive. I had lost my Anna and that was God's will but I wanted to will her plants through my care to live. As I took down Christmas decorations the first of the year I picked up Celeste(yes, that is the violet's name) & I told her I was going to try to find a place for her to be happy. I decided to place her in my master bathroom. The sunken tub sits between two glass bricked windows. I figured the filtered light & humidity of the bath & shower may keep her going. The tiled ledge to the tub was the perfect size for her to sit. I prayed for God to please let her live & please let Anna know how hard I was trying.....even with her plants. Momma was trying so hard to stay strong.

Celeste continued to live week after week. I was happy the plant was still alive but told Grace one night while bathing her in my tub that I had never had any luck having a violet bloom after the initial blossoms died. Grace just looked over at the plant & said, "well Momma at least you have not killed it yet." Classic Grace. This is what I love about my kiddo. Dry, to the point & usually a riot without meaning to be. Last Sunday, May 3rd I notice two little balls forming at the base of Celeste. Now honestly I hoped but did not expect or even get too excited with the idea she would bloom. The above picture is my Celeste today. Now remember she was a deep dark purple initially.....

In the short time I was blessed with my Anna it became very clear to us that her favorite color was pink. She would pick out pink dresses or outfits to wear everyday. If I choose something of another color she would show me her displeasure. So when we had to decide on a casket & flowers for Anna my first & obvious choice was a pink & white gingham plaid liner, ribbon for the flowers & pink baby tea roses with white mini daisies. That was my Anna. Sweet, pink, white, delicate & happy. Anytime Grace & I sit on her bench here in the evenings we watch the colors of the sunset. The rose & pink hues tell us Jesus & Anna are in His heaven & all is well.

So I know without a doubt my Anna sent me a gift from heaven this year. With the help of my Heavenly Father a once deep purple violet was made pink & white. Yes, to some I am just a momma trying to find anything to keep my daughter close. Who cares.....call me what you see me. I see that I helped & continue to keep something alive. I do that with love. God given and taught love. So to all you Mother's I wish you a wonderful Mother's Day this year. I pray that yours is filled with as much love as I feel every time I look at my Anna's violet.

1 Peter 5:10-11
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

In His Hands,
Jo

Living Hope

Today my bible study took me to 1 Peter where the title of this post jumped out at me. "Living Hope". Jesus is our living hope. Because of His death & then Resurrection I know that eternal life awaits me at the time of my body's death. I also know that in the 8+ plus months since Anna went Home that is what He has instilled in me. I live everyday out with the hope that He will make something finally clear to me and show me through scripture or verse His direction for my life. Hope that tomorrow will be a day better than today. That tomorrow seeing the round curves of a 18-24 month old in the beauty salon will not stir memories of my Anna's little body and how she felt. That the lump that seems to always find it's way in to my throat will not show up when I am asked, "how many children do you have"? The pain of those moments each day are like the ticks of a clock that the 3 of us have experienced for so many months. With the pain has been such healing. Healing that makes my mind spin when I think about it tonight. It is very late(or I should say early) and my mind will not stop thinking so I felt I should write. The last 2-3 months have been for me the worst. Now on the other side of them I feel like someone who has been bruised. The blunt forced trauma is over but the memory of the pain from the bruise keeps it all too real. Did we go to China just shy of a year ago to bring Anna home? Was that me that stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital to then say goodbye as her heart finally came to rest? Some days it seems like a terrible movie I watched and it was someone else's story and I was a horrified onlooker. Other days I know it is my life & praise God throughout the day for making me who I am today. I am an almost 39 year old that feels like she is 60 from the wearing down of grief & mourning on one day. Other days I am lifted to a height that makes me feel 18 again....those are the days I let Him in enough for Him to show me the way.

Tony & I both experienced such a day of high hopes when the realization that our dream of giving a sibling to Grace to share this life with did not die with Anna. Infertility you see makes our decision a little different than most. Not to downplay the loss of a biological child-any loss of a child is tragic. Our loss does not give you the option of healing then becoming pregnant again. It is like loosing your dreams two times over. It is a vicious circle you feel somewhat trapped in-at least for me it does. So through this vicious, mind numbing cycle of loss God made His intentions to us very clear by what simply was one of His miracles. Not a huge miracle that makes world headlines on the evening news. A miracle none the less that some would call a "coincidence". To steal Beth Moore's wisdom yet again, " coincidents are miracles when Jesus means to remain anonymous." Amen sister Moore! In this beautiful case I want to sing His praises publicly. During my recent "rough" patch I have suffered with insomnia more than once. This period especially just kept going on & on. So in my study at the time it was suggested that sometimes God does not allow us to sleep because He wants our attention & has a message to give. So like Job and others much wiser than me I stood one night on my front porch in the wee hours, looked up to the heavens and said, " O.K., you know you have my attention. What do want to say or want me to know? Not to be too demanding but while you let me know what is on your mind could you please give me some direction? Direction for any aspect of my life. I am a little lost right now on so many levels and could really use a focused direction." There was no shooting star or booming voice as a reply. As I turned to go into the house I was just covered in a rain shower of peace. His peace. Peace of the Holy Spirit that can not be ignored. I sat quietly for a few minutes before going to bed to catch my breath from the experience and just kept thinking, "as long as you have me I AM your direction." Wow! Message delivered. I slept like a baby that night and really have slept pretty good ever since. Only recently have I felt the anxiety of things changing in our lives & me allowing that anxiety to keep me up(like 1am-right now). Two days later I was sitting at the computer looking through my new emails seeing a ton of emails from Rainbow Kids. Each message was titled "child of interest". I took my cursor to delete each one like every day for the last 8 months believing that once again I had taken care of that little issue. Do not ask me why I have not unsubscribed because I can not answer that. So I clicked on what I thought was a career builders email since I have been searching for the ideal part time job. Well, instead it was a Rainbow Kids mailing on a specific little boy. Now due to the sensitivity of this type of waiting child publication I am not going to give a ton of details on the posting. But moments later I & some unseen Force were dialing the phone to the listing agency to inquire about this little 18 month old. This child was from the Philippines & I am going to leave out his need for privacy reasons. One aspect I can not skip was his first name......Jomarie. Yes, Jomarie for a boy(remember the Philippines is a very Catholic influenced nation-no doubt a saint or two was the root). Who could even imagine such a "coincidence"- I mean this is too good for me to make up. My name & Anna's combined. So long story short after consulting with our family pediatrician(also an adoptive Dad with China) we realized with his agreement that the potential for another huge heartbreak was probable with this little guy. This all took a good month & 1/2 to realize after additional updated medical info. was provided to us. So we informed the agency we would have to release the file. We do not feel this was a waste of time at all for anyone involved since the updated medical information will really help any inquiring family know what the future may hold.

Tony & I walked away sadly but with Hope. New hope from above.....we had talked like a hopeful couple willing to start over on our dream. A couple who had prayed together for this sweet angel(Jomarie) & God to show us His plan. A couple that now knew they were strong enough to take the leap of faith once more. A couple that knows that unless in the next few months God reveals something else to us we will be applying to adopt once more. We will adopt from the Philippines this time & right now we see doing a healthy child adoption. God in His plan knows our future & His will be done. We as a family have the comfort of knowing our limitations along with His plan. We do not have the strength to go head long, eyes wide open into another potential heart break. Take Tony & I out of the equation and you have Grace. Grace needs to have the comfort of a sibling. A sibling that will be able to walk hand in hand with her through this amazing life, God willing, long after her Father & I are called Home. So I end tonight(this morning) with TO BE CONTINUED......Continued with Living Hope!

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

In His Hands,
Jo

HONESTY

"Your life is like a mist. You can see it for a short time, but then it goes away."James 4:14

"Good people are taken away, but no one understands. Those who do right are being taken away from

evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death." Isaiah 57:1-2

Good Friday, Saturday, March 21, 2008 was the day we were blessed with these pictures. These two pictures were forwarded to me from our coordinator after a brief phone call where she described to me our Anna. I knew the moment she started describing this peanut she was ours. Good Friday is a day that has always filled me with mixed emotions. Usually the day falls in the glorious beginning of Spring. A time of rebirth, a time for everything to be new again. My heart & spirit always ache on this day too when I mentally recount exactly what took place. The suffering has always put the beauty of my eternal life into perspective. Yes, three days later HE WOULD RISE! I am so unworthy of His suffering. I know the emotions I feel are guilt & joy mixed together. What an adoption story....He wants me to be His. Last year though....what anticipation in the midst of the flood of emotions. That face! The first glimpse of our daughter! Oh, she had & I know she still has in heaven the face of this family, a G----N! I could see her with us immediately and remember calling Tony out of breath because I was forwarding this face to him via email at work. Four days later we would accept Yi Tao Dang's referral and she would forever be known as Anna Marie Yitao G----N. AKA: Little Lou, Little Bit, Anna Banana & Baby Anna. Along with every other endearment a family places on the beloved "baby" of the family.

So 1 year later, we find ourselves at peace with one fact- our sweet little Anna is in heaven and completely healed. This Good Friday will fall in April this year but we know no matter what the day or anniversary she is in Jesus' arms and he hugs her for us every day. We are at peace & praise God that we were blessed by Him to be considered special enough in His eyes to call Anna "ours". We are inches away from starting a non-profit organization in her memory "Anna's Forever Families", that one day will assist by financial grants other families adopting a special needs orphan.

Yet there is a full range of emotions that I have yet to fully grasp or honestly convey on this blog. Anger and at times rage. Anger in that 1 year later we are still looking at our 5 year old who cries at night because she is alone. Anger that Grace is mourning the dream of having a sibling. She looks around and sees everyone she knows with someone & she is still alone. Anger that we can not fix that fact. As parents we can not fix this. Yes, we have faith that the plan for our family will be revealed in time but how frustrating to see your child hurt & you can not do a thing to stop it. Play dates & distractions are quick fixes but do not heal with their lack of consistency. No one understands the grief of mourning your "old life" and the dream of a "new life-with your 2ND child". Anger of being told....1)"You need to talk to someone about your anger." 2)"You need to let go of Anna." 3)"You need to embrace the beauty in your life not just the death of Anna." 4)"Do not push away everyone who loves you." 5)"This has just not affected YOU but we have all been AFFECTED by Anna's death." 6)"You should find a better way of "working" through this part of your process--a way that is easier for everyone that loves you." The disappointment of people separating themselves from you because the burden of "YOU" is too much for them to bear. The disappointment in knowing people truly want you to make them feel better by just lying and answering, "We are doing fine, thanks for asking"-now their duty in asking is over & they can walk away unscathed. This is only a brief glimpse of the things that both Tony & I are experiencing. Yes, we are the one's experiencing it. We are so aware of everything that is going on around us that it is like our senses have been heightened. No, not overly sensitive just heightened. To those who feel they have also been affected by our loss please take your feelings and multiply them by 10 and you will still barely glimpse what we carry every day. For those who feel we need counseling....we are counseled every moment of every day by the Highest of Counselors. We do not have a breath to escape our bodies without a prayer going with it asking Him for guidance on how to take the next one. As all sinners(especially those in pain) we sometimes turn a deaf ear & still speak or act without caring. If we were in denial of these facts, or if we could not remove ourselves from our beds each morning or if we found solace in drugs or alcohol we would agree whole heartily that "therapy" is what we needed. What we need is time. Time where no one wants to "fix" us. To be given the allowance to be just who we are....imperfect. Allowance for the days or weeks that you will find our venting brash, harsh, angry & yes, days that we do not see beauty in anything around us. The room for honesty without worrying that we have offended you with that honesty or that you will avoid us afterward. These moments are passing & to date they have been few. They do not linger and they do not define us. The old or new us. No, we are not the same anymore. We will never be the same. We all have to accept that fact. Believe it or not we thank God for making sure we will never be the same. We see what matters now. Tony, Grace & Jo matter. The three of us are good. We are clinging to one another as we work through this dark place and blindly feeling our way to a light switch or window to open. We know without any doubt one day the light will come on/in & we will see all the obstacles that for now we find ourselves tripping & falling over. God is Big Enough, Strong Enough & Forgiving Enough to handle our anger, frustration & fear of our unknowns. We only want the people who say they love us to please try to do the same. Stop feeling obligated to fix us & do not take distance, silence or even an angry outburst from us personally. No, we do not plan on attacking everyone unjustly. We have never been the type to do that. This is our lives now. We will figure out how to fit in this new flesh and we ask nothing of anyone other than time, space & concessions to allow us to do this. To use words of Max Lucado in the book "Traveling Light": "The black bag of sorrow is hard to bear. The bearing is difficult because not everyone understands our grief. They did at first. They did at the funeral. They do if they visit the cemetery. But they do not now: they do not understand. Grief lingers. As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow. No warning. No notice. Just a whiff of her baby lotion or the reminder of her voice, and you are saying good-bye all over again. Why will the sorrow not leave us alone? Because we buried more than our baby. We buried some of ourselves. We buried our dreams. Because we are dealing with more than memories-we are dealing with unlived tomorrows. We are not just battling sorrow-we are battling disappointment. We are also battling anger. Anger lives in sorrow's house. Anger at anger itself. Anger at life. Anger at death. " Tony & I are aware of this. We know what the score is. We do not need anyone trying to share in this burden. Believe me there is no room. No matter how good the intentions are this is the time in this process that we can not share except with Christ & with each other. The full weight we carry & will continue to carry in some ways all our remaining days. Only time, healing and love from the Divine Healer will lessen our load. No one else is expected or needed to help. Help comes from your prayers for our continued strength and we will forever welcome them & thank you for them. Every prayer is physically felt by each of us.

So, all the cards are on the table so to speak. I have been honest. Honesty is sometimes hard to swallow. Please do not take offense to anything I have shared. Truth does set you free. I hope my honesty in this journey sets so many of you free from feeling troubled by us in any way. We have had the shadow of death pass over us. We are still here & Anna is gone. We DO raise our hands high every day and thank God that we are still here and because of His blood sacrifice we will forever only have the shadow pass over us. Death will come in it's time as it is written, but so will our eternal life. We are His children and we will one day have eternity with Him & Anna. We will embrace every moment of our lives together until then. We love & cherish our Grace so much and that is what fuels our lives. We wake up every day no matter the pain & thank Him for giving us the priviledge of being her parents. We will continue to be happy as a family no matter the size of the void we are learning to live with. We are so blessed and know that without a doubt. We have to live the good days and endure the bad one's. We are so full of hope, trust & faith. Those are the keys to conquer the anger, fear & doubt. For the days that the vision of that truth is clouded we ask for tolerance & forgiveness. He is Big enough to give us that. Our prayer is that everyone can.

"You are good, Lord. The Lord is good and right." Psalm 25:7-8

"Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Hebrews 12:1-2

In His Hands,

Jo

Memory Monday

So Winston and I were out for his morning stroll. I love my hound. He is the sweetest, undemanding, loving creature God in His infinite wisdom ever created. After he had done his morning business of sniffing every tree, bush & bench and his morning constitutional we headed to the far side of the pond to "Anna's spot". I just love & adore that bench. Every time I see the words "For Our Anna" it makes my heart swell. Winston sat quietly at my feet on one of the warm stepping stones with his face turned toward the sky. His nose going a million miles a minute and his little eyes closed tight from the sunshine. He is such a patient hound & is always content to be with me. Thank you God for giving me that white fuzzy butt for the last 12 years & please if it is Your will let him remain with me for a good long time to come. I sat there with my canine companion & dearest friend and I took in the warm sunshine myself. What a beautiful spring day here in Tennessee. The kind of day that the gentle breeze carries & calls to mind so many sweet memories of my Anna.

Anna loved to have her hands kissed. Really, Anna loved everything on her to be kissed. Her hands though were her two signature kissing spots. If she was happy, sad, scared, apprehensive, giggling and just wanting your attention she would hold up each of those little bitty hands to your mouth and just grin for a kiss. There is a glimpse of this on her memorial video attached to the blog. It was after Grace her "Jie Jie"(big sister in Chinese)(she could not say Grace yet) kissed her for the first time. She came to me for an additional kiss in celebration. A celebration of love. 1st kiss as sisters. She was also celebrating the moment & wanted a kiss on those sweet, precious hands. That dear moment took place not even 2 weeks after we had brought her home. It was the first time they had seen each other. Sisters from the same far away country....one from the far north, Liaoning Province & one from the south, Guangdong Province. One so sick & one so healthy. It was a priceless moment. Magical in every way I had imagined it during our 3 year wait. Anna was still fighting off the "croup" that she had agonized with for a good week. Amazing! Three nights before we had been all alone at Vandy in the ER, just Anna & me. Tony had headed to VA to pick up Grace from my parents and Anna had had a strider(sp?) & could not breath.....she had the croup so bad. We flew down Hillsboro road with the Almighty as my co-pilot. I remember the ER doctor looking at me saying, "Do you know she has a horrible sounding heart?" Even in the state of panic I was in I continued to have a naive sense of peace. Now I realize it was the Holy Spirit blessing me with the Peace of God. I told them yes and that she did have acute aortic & pulmonary stenosis-untreated. I explained we were to see the cardiologist in the next week but Anna had gotten sick the day after we arrived home from China. Her pediatrician had seen her and she was on antibiotics for a double ear infection & the croup. They took her blood pressure & it was fine, took her O2 sats and they were fine, they took Xrays and saw no problem.....Amazing! To think that a little over two months later she would leave us. We were given perfection. God given perfection. We were so blessed with such beautiful un-interrupted time. Just time-not a lot but time that forever in my mind will seem like a lifetime full. So full of concern, so full of worry, so full of confusion, so full of anxiety over her Williams Syndrome diagnosis but at the same time good, bonded, uninterrupted, life changing, love filled time.

Right around our 8-9 week mark with Anna, I started playing this little game at bedtime with the girls. Anna & Grace would get in the bed together for a story or two then Winnie the Pooh(her little stuffed bear-who we placed with her forever) would sneak up through the covers and sniff her toes, he would then precede to fall over dead. Yes, dead. This was a goofy, somewhat gross game in thought but it would bring out the most beautiful belly laughs from both girls. After about 10 minutes this game would get a "little old" to me but Anna in her Donald Duck(on crack), 2 pack a day smokers voice would say "More Pooh, Please Momma". Her little fingers would sign "more" & "please". She then would copy the little back & forth hand movement I would have made with Pooh and say "do-ti-do-ti-do" just like I had. This was the child who "supposedly" would always be delayed. Who would never learn at her level and always struggle. Perfection to us but not to the "world". Oh, how we showed every therapist....speech, cognitive & learning specialist in our 10 weeks together. Anna was not as they said "textbook" or an "usual case". Oh, what an understatement. Perfection....God made & God given(to us-how humbling) perfection. Oh, such sweet memories for a Monday. A Monday 26 weeks to the day her heart stopped.

As I looked up into the blue, cloud scattered sky this morning listening to the birds chirp their happy songs I could feel my heart beating. My heart will continue to beat everyday God sees fit & with every beat I will carry my memories of a lifetime with Anna. How blessed am I? Thank you Lord for giving me sight today through the pain.
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12
In His Hands Always,
Jo

Our Saving Grace

I was thinking today while walking our hound, Winston that this week is our 6 month mark. 6 months......it seems like a lifetime ago. Tony & I feel like we have experienced a lifetime in these last 6 months. As much as I hate to admit it our faces reflect that time. I never thought we looked our age until recently. Wrinkles, gray hairs & creases have appeared to show our journey.

What keeps us young and young at heart is our Grace. I want to tell you about our Grace. She is an amazing kid. This is not the statement of a bias mother but the truth. God blessing us with the gift of Grace Caroline Ji from Guangdong Province, China saves us everyday. She is our beautiful willow tree. Tall, so tall for a 5 year old with long beautiful fingers and boy, feet that never seem to stop growing. My sweet girl now wears a size 1 ladies shoe at 5. If she ever catches up with her feet she will be looking me in the eye one day and I am 6 feet tall. She loves to run.....runs like the wind. Honestly, she is fast. Her Poppa is training to run the 26 mile Music City Marathon this April and Grace just chomps at the bit to go out running with him. I know if Tony's knee's can survive to see it, one day she will be running those 16 mile runs with him without any problem. She enjoys it. God bless anyone who enjoys just running. I personally had to have a basketball in my hand to have any parts of running. We have signed her up for soccer for a third season this spring and she is so excited. She loves soccer.......(too much running for my taste(LOL)). This is a new team with the county and I am looking forward to seeing how she does. She really excelled with the YMCA league the last 2 seasons. We got her cleats this last weekend--size 2 1/2....yes, 2 1/2 with shin guards & soccer socks. Whew, she is ALL feet!
Grace has beautiful penmanship for a 5 year old. She loves to write & is starting to really enjoy reading. Grace is a perfectionist and does not like to struggle with anything. So sounding out words patiently has been fun to watch. Grace is the youngest of 84 kindergarten students at her school. Her birthday Sept. 30, was the cut off. She has held her own very well. To have so many kids already 6 in her class I was concerned but that goal oriented perfectionism makes her strive to excel. She has the kindest heart. Grace is not that huggy-kissy sort of a child. Do not get me wrong, she is a loving child but to a point. She is not mushy. When Grace comes over and just hugs & kisses you.....you know you just received a beautiful present. She is a child who does not tolerate meanness. She does not handle it well at all. She feels everyone should be loved equally without favorites and no one is entitled to pick on or bully anyone else. She is a great defender of the underdog. Those qualities are God given and I cherish every moment I have witnessed her express those feelings when she watches one friend hurt another. She has also been the target of those moments this year and I have watched her handle them with unselfish love as her response. Honestly, she has handled it better than me(since the Momma bear has just wanted to attack w/out taking names,ha,ha).

Grace loves her Creator. She has experienced the last 6 months of pain right along with us and has voiced over and over her complete understanding and acceptance of God's plan. She mentions how Anna is her sister for forever but also her guardian angel. She looked up at me just last night as we were getting ready for bed, "Momma I miss my baby sister." These are the times I just feel like screaming. God help me! Grace is just starting to really question the meaning of being baptized and told me one Sunday that she knew she wanted the world to know how Christ was her King. She then said very quietly...."I will let you know Momma when I want Pastor Sam to dunk me." Oh, that sweet little voice. Her Poppa & I hope it never changes. I am attaching several pictures of our Grace so that you can see from the outside just how beautiful she is. Honestly, it is nothing in comparison to the inside. Strong willed enough to keep us on our toes(always) but loving and compassionate enough to pull every heart string God gave us. The heart of a true tomboy(no fluff for her!) with just enough soft warm & fuzzy that makes her hold on to 6 stuffed animals every night. We call them her posse. She calls them her friends....each one holds a special meaning...1)Winsty-a stuffed white dog who looks just like our Bichon Frise- Winston who Nana gave her-the oldest of the group. 2)Kitty-a white/gray tomcat who was given to her as a baby by her cousin. 3)Brown Bear-A soft Kodiak laying on his stomach which was given to her when Anna came home to us by a special friend from VA(she gave Anna the Panda that arrived at the same time). 4)Simba-From the Lion King--given to her by her dear friend Miyah when Anna passed away(what is so special is this was Miyah's special animal first-the meaning was not lost on Grace). 5)Little Lamb I Love Him-Yes, this is his name.....I have to tell you the story of this sweet white lamb beenie baby. He was placed on Anna's bed by the nurses of the PCCU at Vanderbilt. I had placed him in a basket I had to carry things home that last day at the hospital. I had absent minded placed the basket & him on our counter in the kitchen. The morning of Anna's funeral Grace was walking by & backed up and stopped in front of the basket. She said, "Momma, what is this?" I explained to her that the lamb had been Anna's at the hospital. Without hesitation she picked him up and said "He is mine now. I am going to name him Lucifer." I remember as much commotion that was going on that morning everyone stopped. I exchanged glances with my Momma & my sister-in-law. I wondered if I was reading too much into a name? We all chuckled and I realized no, I had to say something. Naming our "friends" is very important to Grace. So I proceeded to explain that Lucifer-was a good name but sometimes the devil was called that. She looked down & said, "Well, I do not want to call him that.....He is "Little Lamb I Love Him" is that a good name?" So, to this day he has a long five word name. Number 6) our final friend is a new friend that she just received this last Valentines Day....He is a chocolate bear with a red velvet bow(I won him the day before Valentines in a silent auction for the United Way). His name is Valentine. She loves her friends and holds on to them amazingly all through the night with her "chew rag". This is her name too. It is a burp cloth I used from the time we got her in China. It is old, tattered & faded. She has 2 of them(which we change out weekly). They are her "security blankets". In China she held on to a wash cloth at night so I replaced the cloth for something softer-I tried blankets but she never liked them--she is way too hot natured. When she was a little baby she would chew on them as she cut her teeth. Now she cradles them next to her check with all her "posse".

My beautiful Grace, I can not wait to see how she grows in every way. There is something special planned for our Grace. I just know it. I have such faith & trust in His plan for her. Our Saving Grace........thank you God once again for giving us such an amazing gift-our daughter. We see the reflection of Your Love in her face every day. 6 months-- we are strong---growing stronger every day. We miss our Anna so much.....sometimes the pain is so unbearable but the Promise of seeing her again keeps us going strong! Thank you for your prayers!
Hugs to you all,

Jo

Memories To Share At Five Months

I could spend this post like most in the past just telling everyone how we are doing today, 5 months from the cardiac cath. The day that changed our lives forever. I am not going to do that because I just do not want to talk about how I feel today. I am going to tell you about Anna.
It was June 16th, Anna's Gotcha Day. I remembering walking into a very hot, humid civil affairs office to see the cutest little boy sitting very calmly at this huge conference table. My eyes went to him immediately entering the room and watched Tony walk behind him around the table and lovingly rub the top of his shaved head. The little guy just looked up without a response. Tony whispered to me as he sat down, "look at that little guy over there". I told him I had noticed him too & thought to myself oh, could we take him home with Anna? Come to find out later Tony was thinking the same thing. As we waited for all the orphanage directors to arrive with the babies we just kept watching this cute little fellow who quietly sat at the table all alone. Tony even at one point said, "he must be a directors child".

We were one of seven special needs families in Liaoning Province but the only couple receiving a baby girl. I remember our guide saying, "Dalian City family"? We both stood up immediately knowing Anna was the only Dalian City, China baby. The female director turned and picked up the little one we had been watching so intently. I was in a panic. I searched Tony's face & realized he was also panicked. I spoke up and said, "No, this is not our baby, our baby is a girl." A jumble of Chinese was thrown between our guide & the director and our guide said, "this is a girl". The closer they brought her to us I saw those eyes and knew that it was our Anna. She looked so different from her referral pictures but the eyes did not lie. Oh, how tiny she was. A 2 1/2 year old was being handed to me with the body of a 9 month old. Tony & I laughed nervously as she let out her first wail. This was so different from our Grace's Gotcha Day. This day was chaotic, frantic, unorganized and just frightening. Grace's day was full of joy, beautiful babies & laughter. Even though the days differed so there was one shared feeling......we loved this sweet child so much at the moment they put her in our arms. She cried for about 8 hours off/on. She exhausted herself. She was precious once she finally fell asleep. She clasped her hands as if in prayer and rocked back & forth from side to side. It was a rocking of comfort. It was a rocking of rhythm which she had known for so long. She would continue to rock herself to sleep for the next 8 weeks. She stopped that bedtime ritual a little over a week before she left us. One night I realized as I left her room that she was not rocking. She did not the next night or any night after. Anna was happy and finally secure with her new home & family. She finally did not need to comfort herself. She was such a good girl. She was just so endearing and so sweet. I remember tonight how proud I was of her growth in our care. Back in June, Anna was so skinny, frail & could barely walk. Her little legs were atrophied from lack of use. She had not even the leg strength to brace her legs for me to hold her on my hip back then. In August she was a different child. She had the round arms & legs of a child who loved to eat. She could hold on to my hip as I carried her and no longer felt like a rag doll. Tonight I still feel such pride for the height of the hurdles we cleared and boundaries we broke in such a short time. No longer did she have skinned up knees & elbows like when she first started walking but she ran after Grace in the driveway the evening before we went to the hospital for the cath. All these things I know were miracles. Big & little miracles that no one knows how to explain. The miracle of Anna having a heart so severely diseased and still never showing us one symptom in the 10 weeks we had her. God in His heaven tonight is the only one that could explain. I praise Him tonight & thank Him over & over for every moment. He gave us perfection for the short time we were together. Perfection for a family finally complete. A perfect love so full of perfect happiness.

So tonight that is what I find difficult. Through the past 5 months we have been blessed in having our Savior walk with us such a walk of reflection, realization & revelation. We have been blessed with His amazing Peace and we continue to grow stronger everyday through His amazing Peace. Tonight though I miss the feeling of being "full". I miss feeling that my family is complete. I miss the feeling of actually "glowing" from just being so happy & fulfilled because your children are finally together. How do I stop missing that? The cursor blinks on this screen as I try to figure out what to type next...............maybe one day I will know. Tonight I will just end with goodnight & God Bless.

In His Embrace,
Jo

New Year, Rebuiliding Year & New Title

Good morning! Today I am going to attempt to get us finally up to date. Some of you will notice but for those of you like me(a little slow on the intake(these days)), I changed the title of our blog. Now of course the web address is the same but I felt very strongly after a lot of prayer that we needed to change the title. This new title is by definition who & what we are. It also is similar to the name of the non-profit adoption assistance foundation that we are on the cusp of getting established in 2009, "Anna's Forever Families". I will give the honor of allowing Tony to give every glorious detail of this program to each of you in a later post. An old, dear friend of Tony's is helping make Anna's legacy for our family a reality. No more of that now.....I do not want to spoil the fun for Tony.

I know I said I would have to post later after much prayer about Tuesday, Jan. 13th. I have let over a week of healing from that day also help in writing about what transpired. I want everyone to know before I go any further that I no longer hold any ill will or anger towards anyone involved in this horrible mistake. All databases have been corrected & I have been promised that something like this will never happen again. I did make the suggestion that our agency needs to not only keep the orphans of the world at heart but to never forget giving attention to detail when it comes to the adoptive families. If an agency gets too large to "keep track", they need to see if they are following their Christian Mission Statement. Now to what happened:
Honestly, on the 13th it was not pretty. Again, like so many times in the recent past I have precious Heather to thank for allowing me to just "VENT"(really scream) in her ear. You were/are a Godsend girlfriend. Many Thanks!

I woke up the morning of the 13th somewhat sore from the day before. Monday had been one of those "hard" days(Mondays & Wednesdays always are) when emotions are just at a high for whatever goofy reason. One of those days when you "feel" so much that it just takes over. When you can only muster the prayer of "God- help me!", and nothing else. These days you do praise the Spirit for coming to your rescue and finishing your daily prayer & praise for you. See, on Monday I had longed to see Anna, so I sat and watched the 3 brief home videos we have. I needed to mourn on Monday-that is about it. So Tuesday the 13th even though my heart was sore, I woke up and said in prayer, "God, this is a new day....help me make it a good one." I did my morning devotional & felt renewed & energized. I sat down at my computer to see an email from our adoption agency(from both adoptions, America World) and was curious from the title "Important Information Requested by the CCAA". So naturally I opened it. I believe once I read the below opening sentence I stopped breathing for a few seconds:

Subject: Important Information Requested by the CCAA
Date: Monday, January 12, 2009, 4:50 PM

Dear Families,
I hope you are doing well with the newest addition to your family! I am sure you have your hands full, however, I am writing to request the Appendix 7 report which is a short self assessment required from the CCAA’s Special Needs Department....................................."

To try to describe to you the pain that took over every part of my being is impossible. Then the rage rose up without any warning. The kind of rage where you only see red. I remember grabbing for the phone and my hand was shaking. I remember only being conscious enough to say, "please God, give me the words". I left a very controlled voice mail in a very shaky voice for the coordinator who sent the obviously universal e-mail. I was then going to call the director, but I can honestly say I knew that God was telling me not to. I got up to go take a shower. I prayed incessantly for God to take away the anger. To allow me to forgive but oh, I just kept getting madder. My emotions were uncontrollable and Satan was having a field day. I got out of the shower and was drying my hair still screaming inside my head when the phone rang. I just knew it was AWAA calling me back. I was ready! Ready to verbally attack, fatally wound & feel/seek revenge. Almost 5 months of built up emotions were going to come out on this person over the phone. Though I knew in my heart & soul they were an unsuspecting person who probably just was hired or did not know our story..........
It was Heather. Praise God in all His wisdom again! He sent a call at just the right time from sweet Heather. Even to this day I am not proud of what came out of my mind, heart & mouth that morning to Heather. I had been wounded once again in a spot that I wondered will it ever be left to heal? My anger was my reaction to defend myself of the threat/reality of feeling it ALL OVER AGAIN. My reaction was just MEAN. So mean in thought, so mean in words, so mean in spirit. The flesh had taken over and I was just MEAN. I will not go into gory details of the phone call but after I had let loose for a good while I cried to Heather I was sorry & thanked her for just being on the other end of the phone. I then sat down and wrote what I feel was a composed & forgiving email to the director of AWAA with a forward of the e-mail I had received. My heart was not forgiving at that moment but my hands were being guided by the Holy Spirit who would renew my strength & allow me to forgive.

Now over a week later I still feel my throat close and tears start when I remember the pain of that e-mail. No, no matter how many apologies were/are made and no matter the kind words that were sent the pain I experienced was excruciating. For days I asked God, "Why?". Why would He allow me to be hurt like that when I was doing so well? I searched the Word, I searched my heart and a week later He told me. This morning in my study of Esther at church Beth Moore spoke straight to my heart on behalf of God to answer "Why?". I am not going to quote my lesson but try to put it in my words on how He answered through the study.....

God is as clear in what He does not reveal in His word as He is in what He does. God wants us to take our pain, worries to Him with extreme humility and ask Him earnestly what we should do and earnestly listen and obey. Our feeling "inside" is the best indicator of whether or not our hearts are right with Him. If we feel arrogant, mad and seeking vengeance, our hearts are wrong. If we are humble, and bow down face forward to Him, then our hearts are pure. Do you see my first mistake on the 13th? I do now in vivid color! AWAA's oversight had pounded my "fleshy" heart & soul like a battering ram. Instead of reacting with my "mind-set", I had responded with my mood. See, Satan is counting on me to grow weak/tired through the process of God making me strong. But the truth is even the weak grow strong as long as they set their minds to it. Yes, sometimes I am going to be "out of sorts". Temptations are going to come at me for the rest of my life to cave in and sin because I am going to be in the "mood" to sin. I have to draw from my "God given mind-set" to make me strong. I have to live now intentionally & determined about where I want to "set" my mind. No matter who or what pain causes my wound to open. So I want to close this post with the scripture which was included in my prayer today & will be everyday, Deuteronomy 33:25, "The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days."
God bless,
Jo

The New Year, A Rebuilding Year

Yes, we are still here and praise the Almighty we are still vertical. Honestly, this last month or so has been a period of time that just needed our full attention without commentating. So, in the next several posts I will be trying to recap. some of the important highlights without drowning you with too many details. As for today, January 13, 2009.......I will get back to today later. I need to pray and form my words carefully about today. So God bless each of you who have worried on our status. We are doing alright and continue to move forward with the help of God and all your prayers. Thank you for checking in and here we go.....

In His Embrace,
Jo

Quiet Christmas with a Scare

So looking back on this Christmas I am so in awe of how God lifted our little threesome up to still embrace what could have been a very hard holiday. The splendor, wonder & pure God provided majesty of the season over shadowed our pain. I am not saying that we "forgot Anna" for even a moment because that just does not happen. She is tucked safely in all 3 of our hearts and for Grace & I, usually a day does not pass without one of us mentioning a memory from that sweet 10 weeks. To be honest it comes harder for Tony. God love him he is such a good, tender hearted and sweet hearted father. Loosing our Anna has torn him apart in so many ways but just like me, Tony walks a taller & closer walk with Christ. We all grieve together but on different levels and on different time tables. I have learned very quickly that we have to do it together but also separately with God. There is no expectations of the other to say, feel, do or act as the other has and that is what is working for us. Like I have said before and so many have told me in passing, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve." We cling to the cross and the man who hung on it for our direction and He answers us.

(Grace just posing with her reindeer head-dress)
Christmas was quiet. Grace decided to start feeling a little yucky Christmas night and start carrying a fever. For those of you who do not know how my Grace works, here's a quick explanation(so you do not think I am a negligent momma). By the grace of God, Grace is healthy as a horse. She has a built in immune system that seems to fight the worst of the worst off in just days with only a fever at times to show she is fighting. So I figured this time was the same. We made the decision to head home, Grace & I to VA to visit my folks for the remainder of her school vacation. Tony stayed back in TN since he had to return to work and would limit our visit. Due to Anna's adoption & just timing of things it had been June 2007 since I had gone home to just visit. 18 months is a long time when you love your parents & childhood home/home town like I do. Usually Grace gets to see her Nana & Pop every 3 months and had still had since she was with them while we were in China meeting our Anna. So we started our 12 hour journey to Southampton Co., VA with a stop in Wytheville over night since it is a littler harder when there is only one of you driving. Grace's fever went up/down the whole way there and her glands started to stick out, especially the one under her right ear. Long story short we ended up arriving home(Thank the Good Lord) and Grace spiked a 106 fever. After 5.5 hours in the emergency room, blood work, chest x-ray and ct scan(of lungs), a quick strep test came back positive. Grace had strep. Funny thing is her throat was normal and she had not complained once. The kid eats like a horse and had not stopped even with the fever. Praise God! From head to toe she was checked and it was strep.

For those of you who have followed our progress you know I had mentioned on Anna's birthday how frightened I was of going back into the hospital. Well, that was not just Vandy. It was hospitals in general. I have quietly spoke to God without much commentary to anyone else how the idea of Grace or Tony going to the hospital would scare me to death. I feel the same at this point about my sweet beast of hound, Winston. Winston has needed his teeth cleaned by the vet. for 4 months now and God bless our vet she has completely understood my fear in putting an 11 year old dog under anesthesia for teeth cleaning. Sooo---God wanted to show me without any question that no matter how scared I was of the "hospital" & the fear/trust factor that goes with it I could survive it. His help! His help! His Help! That is all I needed. Now you are not going to believe this but He again gave His personal attention to my need that night. As they were getting ready to take Grace back for the chest X-ray my cell phone rang. My Momma answered and it was Heather back here in TN. The Holy spirit had gotten her attention that night and she just knew something was wrong & that I needed her. Where the fear had suppressed my ability to pray anything other than, "Please, God not Grace. Please God help me!" I stood in the hallway of that hospital and my dear, precious friend prayed for/with me. Then the peace enveloped me like a warm hug. She got on the phone & computer and the prayers were heard. He lifted, supported & strengthened me. Praise God--what would I do without Him? How would I survive? Friendship-A true gift from God(Love you Heather!)!

(Nana, Grace & Gus just chillin' & smillin')

So the rest of the visit was filled with quiet rest & just good ole' fashioned quality time with my folks. For Grace to be able to crawl on the couch with her Nana & Pop and just rest was the best medicine. I watched my 70+ Daddy play hide & seek with her in the back yard a few days later. To see that sweet man hiding behind huge pine trees was just so special. Grace wanted a "tool box" for her reward for being so brave in the E.R. that night. You know my Grace....no princess stuff for her. Pop & her had a blast playing Mr. Fix It. See when they did the chest X-ray the doctor noticed something funny & wanted to be 100% sure Grace was good head to toe. So, we did the CT scan. The tech. was a sweet woman my Momma had known for years and she was so kind to Grace. Grace was scared but so brave. I was praying with her as they prepped her to do the scan and this dear woman over heard me. She said, " I just love hearing the momma's who talk with their babies to God." I told her

how Grace loved God so much already and had such a personal relationship with Him at such an early age. Without hesitation Grace said, "Jesus is my King, The most powerful and the Only King. I love Him & He loves me." Oh, how proud a moment for me. Especially as little tears rolled down her cheeks from fear. My Grace. My little, brave girl with the zeal for life. Yes, the wind had been knocked out of me and it took about 4 days for me to "normalize" but we enjoyed our quiet Christmas so much. The blessing, meaning & true gift of the season was not missed and I am so grateful for every moment.....even our Sunday scare.

In His Embrace,

Jo

God's Gift~Friendship

I know that I am really playing catch up on my posts but it really has taken me a while to work through all the emotions and time of reflection that the months of November & December have awakened in me. I am still working through them and every closing of a year erupts these types of feelings but boy, this year has knocked my socks off. Seriously, it has been intense on so many levels.

In previous posts I have mentioned the names of some gorgeous women who I am honored to call friends. I have also mentioned my "support network" here in TN. That is these same women. The funny(yes, I mean HA, HA, funny) thing is all of us must have gone through similar reflective days at really the same time because there were about 3 days of just the sappiest, warm & fuzzy, Kissie-huggie junk being sent between us via email. You got to love how the mighty Creator formed us Chickie babes. To the outsider & especially outside male it would have seemed pretty estrogen fueled. Regardless, these specific women are the angels God sent to me the night before we said goodbye to Anna. These are the women that laid their hands on me and prayed hard with me for divine intervention or a divine sign into the wee hours of the morning. The women who laughed & cried with me that night and acted on the Holy Spirits behalf to strengthen me one last time before I had to let go.

Two of my dear friends Cindy & Heather honored Anna, Tony, Grace & me with the ultimate gifts the night of Anna's birthday(Dec. 4th). For me they answered a prayer that I had not shared with anyone. A prayer I had cried out silently to God in the shower(where I do my best & most private praying, crying, screaming). I was starting to forget little details of Anna and had pleaded for God's help to remember.....how small her hand was, how she held her fingers up and those toes. Yes, I had pictures and yes, I had looked at them in passing but had not trusted myself to really study them or to start printing off the camera to scrapbook. These two sweet, loving and all giving ladies took so much time and effort to give me just that. The four pictures here can not tell you how special both of these gifts are. To the normal eye they would be a photo book & hand/foot imprint but to me they gave me a little of my Anna back. Now I can pick up her book and see every picture we ever took of Anna and lay my hand on top of her

(Sorry for the positioning of pics but it will not let them move!)

imprints and remember with clear vision how small they were. Every line & crease is in those imprints.....the tedious, mind numbing monotony that had to have taken over while Heather was doing this is just mind blowing. To make imprints from the prints the hospital took of Anna would have seemed impossible to me but not to our Heather. How special could two gifts be? Not even all the diamonds on earth could outweigh their value. I am so blessed to call you both friends. That is a God given gift that I will never take for granted. My grandfather told me one thing as a child that I have remembered and carried to adulthood....."before you die if you can call one person a true friend you are the richest woman alive". Well, Grandaddy I am at the top of Forbes Fortune 500. I love you two!

December 2007 I sat here in TN happy & content but feeling the overwhelming void of loneliness. We were still in the "waiting" stage of our 2nd adoption and yes, I had my family but the closeness of a good friend was still missing. A friend who knew what the ups & downs of adoption and what the wait meant. I had so many friends back home in VA and they will always be my kindred spirits that hold my past & my heart. Some of the most loving people that I still miss in ways everyday. I still was lonely for that companionship that only a woman friend who just lives down the street or across town can provide. A friend that knows your stories, knows your little idiosyncrasies and still loves ya. I prayed for that last year in the "reflective ending of 2007". God answered that prayer and yes, it took a horrible moment in my life for me to really "see" that they had been all around me but it was me who had not let them in. God gave me a miracle which made me vulnerable in "trusting" to let someone know me here in TN.....the real Jo, the ugly and not so together Jo.

He gave me Anna & He gave friends who have held my hand, wiped my tears, prayed with me and for me everyday since I had to let her go. Thank each of you for your part in helping me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin to try to start all over again. To my network of Godly made supportive women I dedicate this post to you......God guides my keystrokes to thank You! Cindy, Heather, Angela, Stefanie, Amy, Leslie. You walk the walk & You talk the talk. God bless you! In addition it is with sweet sincerity that I thank Patrice, Robin, Anne & Teresa. You each are so inspirational to me. I look forward to the years to come and the moments we will share. God's gifts........ Friendship is one of the best!

Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one [wo]man sharpens another."

Hugs,

Jo