So Winston and I were out for his morning stroll. I love my hound. He is the sweetest, undemanding, loving creature God in His infinite wisdom ever created. After he had done his morning business of sniffing every tree, bush & bench and his morning constitutional we headed to the far side of the pond to "Anna's spot". I just love & adore that bench. Every time I see the words "For Our Anna" it makes my heart swell. Winston sat quietly at my feet on one of the warm stepping stones with his face turned toward the sky. His nose going a million miles a minute and his little eyes closed tight from the sunshine. He is such a patient hound & is always content to be with me. Thank you God for giving me that white fuzzy butt for the last 12 years & please if it is Your will let him remain with me for a good long time to come. I sat there with my canine companion & dearest friend and I took in the warm sunshine myself. What a beautiful spring day here in Tennessee. The kind of day that the gentle breeze carries & calls to mind so many sweet memories of my Anna.
Anna loved to have her hands kissed. Really, Anna loved everything on her to be kissed. Her hands though were her two signature kissing spots. If she was happy, sad, scared, apprehensive, giggling and just wanting your attention she would hold up each of those little bitty hands to your mouth and just grin for a kiss. There is a glimpse of this on her memorial video attached to the blog. It was after Grace her "Jie Jie"(big sister in Chinese)(she could not say Grace yet) kissed her for the first time. She came to me for an additional kiss in celebration. A celebration of love. 1st kiss as sisters. She was also celebrating the moment & wanted a kiss on those sweet, precious hands. That dear moment took place not even 2 weeks after we had brought her home. It was the first time they had seen each other. Sisters from the same far away country....one from the far north, Liaoning Province & one from the south, Guangdong Province. One so sick & one so healthy. It was a priceless moment. Magical in every way I had imagined it during our 3 year wait. Anna was still fighting off the "croup" that she had agonized with for a good week. Amazing! Three nights before we had been all alone at Vandy in the ER, just Anna & me. Tony had headed to VA to pick up Grace from my parents and Anna had had a strider(sp?) & could not breath.....she had the croup so bad. We flew down Hillsboro road with the Almighty as my co-pilot. I remember the ER doctor looking at me saying, "Do you know she has a horrible sounding heart?" Even in the state of panic I was in I continued to have a naive sense of peace. Now I realize it was the Holy Spirit blessing me with the Peace of God. I told them yes and that she did have acute aortic & pulmonary stenosis-untreated. I explained we were to see the cardiologist in the next week but Anna had gotten sick the day after we arrived home from China. Her pediatrician had seen her and she was on antibiotics for a double ear infection & the croup. They took her blood pressure & it was fine, took her O2 sats and they were fine, they took Xrays and saw no problem.....Amazing! To think that a little over two months later she would leave us. We were given perfection. God given perfection. We were so blessed with such beautiful un-interrupted time. Just time-not a lot but time that forever in my mind will seem like a lifetime full. So full of concern, so full of worry, so full of confusion, so full of anxiety over her Williams Syndrome diagnosis but at the same time good, bonded, uninterrupted, life changing, love filled time.
Right around our 8-9 week mark with Anna, I started playing this little game at bedtime with the girls. Anna & Grace would get in the bed together for a story or two then Winnie the Pooh(her little stuffed bear-who we placed with her forever) would sneak up through the covers and sniff her toes, he would then precede to fall over dead. Yes, dead. This was a goofy, somewhat gross game in thought but it would bring out the most beautiful belly laughs from both girls. After about 10 minutes this game would get a "little old" to me but Anna in her Donald Duck(on crack), 2 pack a day smokers voice would say "More Pooh, Please Momma". Her little fingers would sign "more" & "please". She then would copy the little back & forth hand movement I would have made with Pooh and say "do-ti-do-ti-do" just like I had. This was the child who "supposedly" would always be delayed. Who would never learn at her level and always struggle. Perfection to us but not to the "world". Oh, how we showed every therapist....speech, cognitive & learning specialist in our 10 weeks together. Anna was not as they said "textbook" or an "usual case". Oh, what an understatement. Perfection....God made & God given(to us-how humbling) perfection. Oh, such sweet memories for a Monday. A Monday 26 weeks to the day her heart stopped.
As I looked up into the blue, cloud scattered sky this morning listening to the birds chirp their happy songs I could feel my heart beating. My heart will continue to beat everyday God sees fit & with every beat I will carry my memories of a lifetime with Anna. How blessed am I? Thank you Lord for giving me sight today through the pain.
"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:12
In His Hands Always,
Jo
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Our Saving Grace
I was thinking today while walking our hound, Winston that this week is our 6 month mark. 6 months......it seems like a lifetime ago. Tony & I feel like we have experienced a lifetime in these last 6 months. As much as I hate to admit it our faces reflect that time. I never thought we looked our age until recently. Wrinkles, gray hairs & creases have appeared to show our journey.
What keeps us young and young at heart is our Grace. I want to tell you about our Grace. She is an amazing kid. This is not the statement of a bias mother but the truth. God blessing us with the gift of Grace Caroline Ji from Guangdong Province, China saves us everyday. She is our beautiful willow tree. Tall, so tall for a 5 year old with long beautiful fingers and boy
, feet that never seem to stop growing. My sweet girl now wears a size 1 ladies shoe at 5. If she ever catches up with her feet she will be looking me in the eye one day and I am 6 feet tall. She loves to run.....runs like the wind. Honestly, she is fast. Her Poppa is training to run the 26 mile Music City Marathon this April and Grace just chomps at the bit to go out running with him. I know if Tony's knee's can survive to see it, one day she will be running those 16 mile runs with him without any problem. She enjoys it. God bless anyone who enjoys just running. I personally had to have a basketball in my hand to have any parts of running. We have signed her up for soccer for a third season this spring and she is so excited. She loves soccer.......(too much running for my taste(LOL)). This is a new team with the county and I am looking forward to seeing how she does. She really excelled with the YMCA league the last 2 seasons. We got her cleats this last weekend--size 2 1/2....yes, 2 1/2 with shin guards & soccer socks. Whew, she is ALL feet!
Grace has beautiful penmanship for a 5 year old. She loves to write & is starting to really enjoy reading. Grace is a perfectionist and does not like to struggle with anything. So sounding out words patiently has been fun to watch. Grace is the youngest of 84 kindergarten students at her school. Her birthday Sept. 30, was the cut off. She has held her own very well. To have so many kids already 6 in her class I was concerned but that goal oriented perfectionism makes her strive to excel. She has the kindest heart. Grace is not that huggy-kissy sort of a child. Do not get me wrong, she is a loving child but to a point. She is not mushy. When Grace comes over and just hugs & kisses you.....you know you just received a beautiful present. She is a child who does not tolerate meanness. She does not handle it well at all. She feels everyone should be loved equally without favorites and no one is entitled to pick on or bully anyone else. She is a great defender of the underdog. Those qualities are God given and I cherish every moment I have witnessed her express those feelings when she watches one friend hurt another. She has also been the target of those moments this year and I have watched her handle them with unselfish love as her response. Honestly, she has handled it better than me(since the Momma bear has just wanted to attack w/out taking names,ha,ha). 
My beautiful Grace, I can not wait to see how she grows in every way. There is something special planned for our Grace. I just know it. I have such faith & trust in His plan for her. Our Saving Grace........thank you God once again for giving us such an amazing gift-our daughter. We see the reflection of Your Love in her face every day. 6 months-- we are strong---growing stronger every day. We miss our Anna so much.....sometimes the pain is so unbearable but the Promise of seeing her again keeps us going strong! Thank you for your prayers!
Hugs to you all,
What keeps us young and young at heart is our Grace. I want to tell you about our Grace. She is an amazing kid. This is not the statement of a bias mother but the truth. God blessing us with the gift of Grace Caroline Ji from Guangdong Province, China saves us everyday. She is our beautiful willow tree. Tall, so tall for a 5 year old with long beautiful fingers and boy
, feet that never seem to stop growing. My sweet girl now wears a size 1 ladies shoe at 5. If she ever catches up with her feet she will be looking me in the eye one day and I am 6 feet tall. She loves to run.....runs like the wind. Honestly, she is fast. Her Poppa is training to run the 26 mile Music City Marathon this April and Grace just chomps at the bit to go out running with him. I know if Tony's knee's can survive to see it, one day she will be running those 16 mile runs with him without any problem. She enjoys it. God bless anyone who enjoys just running. I personally had to have a basketball in my hand to have any parts of running. We have signed her up for soccer for a third season this spring and she is so excited. She loves soccer.......(too much running for my taste(LOL)). This is a new team with the county and I am looking forward to seeing how she does. She really excelled with the YMCA league the last 2 seasons. We got her cleats this last weekend--size 2 1/2....yes, 2 1/2 with shin guards & soccer socks. Whew, she is ALL feet!Grace has beautiful penmanship for a 5 year old. She loves to write & is starting to really enjoy reading. Grace is a perfectionist and does not like to struggle with anything. So sounding out words patiently has been fun to watch. Grace is the youngest of 84 kindergarten students at her school. Her birthday Sept. 30, was the cut off. She has held her own very well. To have so many kids already 6 in her class I was concerned but that goal oriented perfectionism makes her strive to excel. She has the kindest heart. Grace is not that huggy-kissy sort of a child. Do not get me wrong, she is a loving child but to a point. She is not mushy. When Grace comes over and just hugs & kisses you.....you know you just received a beautiful present. She is a child who does not tolerate meanness. She does not handle it well at all. She feels everyone should be loved equally without favorites and no one is entitled to pick on or bully anyone else. She is a great defender of the underdog. Those qualities are God given and I cherish every moment I have witnessed her express those feelings when she watches one friend hurt another. She has also been the target of those moments this year and I have watched her handle them with unselfish love as her response. Honestly, she has handled it better than me(since the Momma bear has just wanted to attack w/out taking names,ha,ha). 
Grace loves her Creator. She has experienced the last 6 months of pain right along with us and has voiced over and over her complete understanding and acceptance of God's plan. She mentions how Anna is her sister for forever but also her guardian angel. She looked up at me just last night as we were getting ready for bed, "Momma I miss my baby sister." These are the times I just feel like screaming. God help me! Grace is just starting to really question the meaning of being baptized and told me one Sunday that she knew she wanted the world to know how Christ was her King. She then said very quietly...."I will let you know Momma when I want Pastor Sam to dunk me." Oh, that sweet little voice. Her Poppa & I hope it never changes. I am attaching several pictures of our Grace so that you can see from the outside just how
beautiful she is. Honestly, it is nothing in comparison to the inside. Strong willed enough to keep us on our toes(always) but loving and compassionate enough to pull every heart string God gave us. The heart of a true tomboy(no fluff for her!) with just enough soft warm & fuzzy that makes her hold on to 6 stuffed animals every night. We call them her posse. She calls them her friends....each one holds a special meaning...1)Winsty-a stuffed white dog who looks just like our Bichon Frise- Winston who Nana gave her-the oldest of the group. 2)Kitty-a white/gray tomcat who was given to her as a baby by her cousin. 3)Brown Bear-A soft Kodiak laying on his stomach which was given to her when Anna came home to us by a special friend from VA(she gave Anna t
he Panda that arrived at the same time). 4)Simba-From the Lion King--given to her by her dear friend Miyah when Anna passed away(what is so special is this was Miyah's special animal first-the meaning was not lost on Grace). 5)Little Lamb I Love Him-Yes, this is his name.....I have to tell you the story of this sweet white lamb beenie baby. He was placed on Anna's bed by the nurses of the PCCU at Vanderbilt. I had placed him in a basket I had to carry things home that last day at the hospital. I had absent minded placed the basket & him on our counter in the kitchen. The morning of Anna's funeral Grace was walking by & backed up and stopped in front of the basket. She said, "Momma, what is this?" I explained to her that the lamb had been Anna's at the hospital. Without hesitation she picked him up and said "He is mine now. I am going to name him Lucifer." I remember as much commotion that was going on that morning everyone stopped. I exchanged glances with my Momma & my sister-in-law. I wondered if I was reading too much into a name? We all chuckled and I realized no, I had to say something. Naming our "friends" is very important to Grace. So I proceeded to explain that Lucifer-was a good name but sometimes the devil was called that. She looked down & said, "Well, I do not want to call him that.....He is "Little Lamb I Love Him" is that a good name?" So, to this day he has a long five word name. Number 6) our final friend is a new friend that she just received this last Valentines Day....He is a chocolate bear with a red velvet bow(I won him the day before Valentines in a silent auction for the United Way). His name is Valentine. She loves her friends and holds on to them amazingly all through the night with her "chew rag". This is her name too. It is a burp cloth I used from the time we got her in China. It is old, tattered & faded. She has 2 of them(which we change out weekly). They are her "security blankets". In China she held on to a wash cloth at night so I replaced the cloth for something softer-I tried blankets but she never liked them--she is way too hot natured. When she was a little baby she would chew on them as she cut her teeth. Now she cradles them next to her check with all her "posse".
beautiful she is. Honestly, it is nothing in comparison to the inside. Strong willed enough to keep us on our toes(always) but loving and compassionate enough to pull every heart string God gave us. The heart of a true tomboy(no fluff for her!) with just enough soft warm & fuzzy that makes her hold on to 6 stuffed animals every night. We call them her posse. She calls them her friends....each one holds a special meaning...1)Winsty-a stuffed white dog who looks just like our Bichon Frise- Winston who Nana gave her-the oldest of the group. 2)Kitty-a white/gray tomcat who was given to her as a baby by her cousin. 3)Brown Bear-A soft Kodiak laying on his stomach which was given to her when Anna came home to us by a special friend from VA(she gave Anna t
he Panda that arrived at the same time). 4)Simba-From the Lion King--given to her by her dear friend Miyah when Anna passed away(what is so special is this was Miyah's special animal first-the meaning was not lost on Grace). 5)Little Lamb I Love Him-Yes, this is his name.....I have to tell you the story of this sweet white lamb beenie baby. He was placed on Anna's bed by the nurses of the PCCU at Vanderbilt. I had placed him in a basket I had to carry things home that last day at the hospital. I had absent minded placed the basket & him on our counter in the kitchen. The morning of Anna's funeral Grace was walking by & backed up and stopped in front of the basket. She said, "Momma, what is this?" I explained to her that the lamb had been Anna's at the hospital. Without hesitation she picked him up and said "He is mine now. I am going to name him Lucifer." I remember as much commotion that was going on that morning everyone stopped. I exchanged glances with my Momma & my sister-in-law. I wondered if I was reading too much into a name? We all chuckled and I realized no, I had to say something. Naming our "friends" is very important to Grace. So I proceeded to explain that Lucifer-was a good name but sometimes the devil was called that. She looked down & said, "Well, I do not want to call him that.....He is "Little Lamb I Love Him" is that a good name?" So, to this day he has a long five word name. Number 6) our final friend is a new friend that she just received this last Valentines Day....He is a chocolate bear with a red velvet bow(I won him the day before Valentines in a silent auction for the United Way). His name is Valentine. She loves her friends and holds on to them amazingly all through the night with her "chew rag". This is her name too. It is a burp cloth I used from the time we got her in China. It is old, tattered & faded. She has 2 of them(which we change out weekly). They are her "security blankets". In China she held on to a wash cloth at night so I replaced the cloth for something softer-I tried blankets but she never liked them--she is way too hot natured. When she was a little baby she would chew on them as she cut her teeth. Now she cradles them next to her check with all her "posse".My beautiful Grace, I can not wait to see how she grows in every way. There is something special planned for our Grace. I just know it. I have such faith & trust in His plan for her. Our Saving Grace........thank you God once again for giving us such an amazing gift-our daughter. We see the reflection of Your Love in her face every day. 6 months-- we are strong---growing stronger every day. We miss our Anna so much.....sometimes the pain is so unbearable but the Promise of seeing her again keeps us going strong! Thank you for your prayers! Hugs to you all,Jo
Monday, January 26, 2009
Memories To Share At Five Months
I could spend this post like most in the past just telling everyone how we are doing today, 5 months from the cardiac cath. The day that changed our lives forever. I am not going to do that because I just do not want to talk about how I feel today. I am going to tell you about Anna.
It was June 16th, Anna's Gotcha Day. I remembering walking into a very hot, humid civil affairs office to see the cutest little boy sitting very calmly at this huge conference table. My eyes went to him immediately entering the room and watched Tony walk behind him around the table and lovingly rub the top of his shaved head. The little guy just looked up without a response. Tony whispered to me as he sat down, "look at that little guy over there". I told him I had noticed him too & thought to myself oh, could we take him home with Anna? Come to find out later Tony was thinking the same thing. As we waited for all the orphanage directors to arrive with the babies we just kept watching this cute little fellow who quietly sat at the table all alone. Tony even at one point said, "he must be a directors child".
We were one of seven special needs families in Liaoning Province but the only couple receiving a baby girl. I remember our guide saying, "Dalian City family"? We both stood up immediately knowing Anna was the only Dalian City, China baby. The female director turned and picked up the little one we had been watching so intently. I was in a panic. I searched Tony's face & realized he was also panicked. I spoke up and said, "No, this is not our baby, our baby is a girl." A jumble of Chinese was thrown between our guide & the director and our guide said, "this is a girl". The closer they brought her to us I saw those eyes and knew that it was our Anna. She looked so different from her referral pictures but the eyes did not lie. Oh, how tiny she was. A 2 1/2 year old was being handed to me with the body of a 9 month old. Tony & I laughed nervously as she let out her first wail. This was so different from our Grace's Gotcha Day. This day was chaotic, frantic, unorganized and just frightening. Grace's day was full of joy, beautiful babies & laughter. Even though the days differed so there was one shared feeling......we loved this sweet child so much at the moment they put her in our arms. She cried for about 8 hours
off/on. She exhausted herself. She was precious once she finally fell asleep. She clasped her hands as if in prayer and rocked back & forth from side to side. It was a rocking of comfort. It was a rocking of rhythm which she had known for so long. She would continue to rock herself to sleep for the next 8 weeks. She stopped that bedtime ritual a little over a week before she left us. One night I realized as I left her room that she was not rocking. She did not the next night or any night after. Anna was happy and finally secure with her new home & family. She finally did not need to comfort herself. She was such 
a good girl. She was just so endearing and so sweet. I remember tonight how proud I was of her growth in our care. Back in June, Anna was so skinny, frail & could barely walk. Her little legs were atrophied from lack of use. She had not even the leg strength to brace her legs for me to
hold her on my hip back then. In August she was a different child. She had the round arms & legs of a child who loved to eat. She could hold on to my hip as I carried her and no longer felt like a rag doll. Tonight I still feel such pride for the height of the hurdles we cleared and boundaries we broke in such a short time. No longer did she have skinned up knees & elbows like when she first started walking but she ran after Grace in the driveway the evening before we went to the hospital for the cath. All these things I know were miracles. Big & little miracles that no one knows how to explain. The miracle of Anna having a heart so severely diseased and still never showing us one symptom in the 10 weeks we had her. God in His heaven tonight is the only one that could explain. I praise Him tonight & thank Him over & over for every moment. He gave us perfection for the short time we were together. Perfection for a family finally complete. A perfect love so full of perfect happiness.
So tonight that is what I find difficult. Through the past 5 months we have been blessed in having our Savior walk with us such a walk of reflection, realization & revelation. We have been blessed with His amazing Peace and we continue to grow stronger everyday through His amazing Peace. Tonight though I miss the feeling of being "full". I miss feeling that my family is complete. I miss the feeling of actually "glowing" from just being so happy & fulfilled because your children are finally together. How do I stop missing that? The cursor blinks on this screen as I try to figure out what to type next...............maybe one day I will know. Tonight I will just end with goodnight & God Bless.
In His Embrace,
Jo
It was June 16th, Anna's Gotcha Day. I remembering walking into a very hot, humid civil affairs office to see the cutest little boy sitting very calmly at this huge conference table. My eyes went to him immediately entering the room and watched Tony walk behind him around the table and lovingly rub the top of his shaved head. The little guy just looked up without a response. Tony whispered to me as he sat down, "look at that little guy over there". I told him I had noticed him too & thought to myself oh, could we take him home with Anna? Come to find out later Tony was thinking the same thing. As we waited for all the orphanage directors to arrive with the babies we just kept watching this cute little fellow who quietly sat at the table all alone. Tony even at one point said, "he must be a directors child".We were one of seven special needs families in Liaoning Province but the only couple receiving a baby girl. I remember our guide saying, "Dalian City family"? We both stood up immediately knowing Anna was the only Dalian City, China baby. The female director turned and picked up the little one we had been watching so intently. I was in a panic. I searched Tony's face & realized he was also panicked. I spoke up and said, "No, this is not our baby, our baby is a girl." A jumble of Chinese was thrown between our guide & the director and our guide said, "this is a girl". The closer they brought her to us I saw those eyes and knew that it was our Anna. She looked so different from her referral pictures but the eyes did not lie. Oh, how tiny she was. A 2 1/2 year old was being handed to me with the body of a 9 month old. Tony & I laughed nervously as she let out her first wail. This was so different from our Grace's Gotcha Day. This day was chaotic, frantic, unorganized and just frightening. Grace's day was full of joy, beautiful babies & laughter. Even though the days differed so there was one shared feeling......we loved this sweet child so much at the moment they put her in our arms. She cried for about 8 hours
off/on. She exhausted herself. She was precious once she finally fell asleep. She clasped her hands as if in prayer and rocked back & forth from side to side. It was a rocking of comfort. It was a rocking of rhythm which she had known for so long. She would continue to rock herself to sleep for the next 8 weeks. She stopped that bedtime ritual a little over a week before she left us. One night I realized as I left her room that she was not rocking. She did not the next night or any night after. Anna was happy and finally secure with her new home & family. She finally did not need to comfort herself. She was such 
a good girl. She was just so endearing and so sweet. I remember tonight how proud I was of her growth in our care. Back in June, Anna was so skinny, frail & could barely walk. Her little legs were atrophied from lack of use. She had not even the leg strength to brace her legs for me to
hold her on my hip back then. In August she was a different child. She had the round arms & legs of a child who loved to eat. She could hold on to my hip as I carried her and no longer felt like a rag doll. Tonight I still feel such pride for the height of the hurdles we cleared and boundaries we broke in such a short time. No longer did she have skinned up knees & elbows like when she first started walking but she ran after Grace in the driveway the evening before we went to the hospital for the cath. All these things I know were miracles. Big & little miracles that no one knows how to explain. The miracle of Anna having a heart so severely diseased and still never showing us one symptom in the 10 weeks we had her. God in His heaven tonight is the only one that could explain. I praise Him tonight & thank Him over & over for every moment. He gave us perfection for the short time we were together. Perfection for a family finally complete. A perfect love so full of perfect happiness.So tonight that is what I find difficult. Through the past 5 months we have been blessed in having our Savior walk with us such a walk of reflection, realization & revelation. We have been blessed with His amazing Peace and we continue to grow stronger everyday through His amazing Peace. Tonight though I miss the feeling of being "full". I miss feeling that my family is complete. I miss the feeling of actually "glowing" from just being so happy & fulfilled because your children are finally together. How do I stop missing that? The cursor blinks on this screen as I try to figure out what to type next...............maybe one day I will know. Tonight I will just end with goodnight & God Bless.
In His Embrace,
Jo
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New Year, Rebuiliding Year & New Title
Good morning! Today I am going to attempt to get us finally up to date. Some of you will notice but for those of you like me(a little slow on the intake(these days)), I changed the title of our blog. Now of course the web address is the same but I felt very strongly after a lot of prayer that we needed to change the title. This new title is by definition who & what we are. It also is similar to the name of the non-profit adoption assistance foundation that we are on the cusp of getting established in 2009, "Anna's Forever Families". I will give the honor of allowing Tony to give every glorious detail of this program to each of you in a later post. An old, dear friend of Tony's is helping make Anna's legacy for our family a reality. No more of that now.....I do not want to spoil the fun for Tony.
I know I said I would have to post later after much prayer about Tuesday, Jan. 13th. I have let over a week of healing from that day also help in writing about what transpired. I want everyone to know before I go any further that I no longer hold any ill will or anger towards anyone involved in this horrible mistake. All databases have been corrected & I have been promised that something like this will never happen again. I did make the suggestion that our agency needs to not only keep the orphans of the world at heart but to never forget giving attention to detail when it comes to the adoptive families. If an agency gets too large to "keep track", they need to see if they are following their Christian Mission Statement. Now to what happened:
Honestly, on the 13th it was not pretty. Again, like so many times in the recent past I have precious Heather to thank for allowing me to just "VENT"(really scream) in her ear. You were/are a Godsend girlfriend. Many Thanks!
I woke up the morning of the 13th somewhat sore from the day before. Monday had been one of those "hard" days(Mondays & Wednesdays always are) when emotions are just at a high for whatever goofy reason. One of those days when you "feel" so much that it just takes over. When you can only muster the prayer of "God- help me!", and nothing else. These days you do praise the Spirit for coming to your rescue and finishing your daily prayer & praise for you. See, on Monday I had longed to see Anna, so I sat and watched the 3 brief home videos we have. I needed to mourn on Monday-that is about it. So Tuesday the 13th even though my heart was sore, I woke up and said in prayer, "God, this is a new day....help me make it a good one." I did my morning devotional & felt renewed & energized. I sat down at my computer to see an email from our adoption agency(from both adoptions, America World) and was curious from the title "Important Information Requested by the CCAA". So naturally I opened it. I believe once I read the below opening sentence I stopped breathing for a few seconds:
Subject: Important Information Requested by the CCAA
Date: Monday, January 12, 2009, 4:50 PM
Dear Families,
I hope you are doing well with the newest addition to your family! I am sure you have your hands full, however, I am writing to request the Appendix 7 report which is a short self assessment required from the CCAA’s Special Needs Department....................................."
To try to describe to you the pain that took over every part of my being is impossible. Then the rage rose up without any warning. The kind of rage where you only see red. I remember grabbing for the phone and my hand was shaking. I remember only being conscious enough to say, "please God, give me the words". I left a very controlled voice mail in a very shaky voice for the coordinator who sent the obviously universal e-mail. I was then going to call the director, but I can honestly say I knew that God was telling me not to. I got up to go take a shower. I prayed incessantly for God to take away the anger. To allow me to forgive but oh, I just kept getting madder. My emotions were uncontrollable and Satan was having a field day. I got out of the shower and was drying my hair still screaming inside my head when the phone rang. I just knew it was AWAA calling me back. I was ready! Ready to verbally attack, fatally wound & feel/seek revenge. Almost 5 months of built up emotions were going to come out on this person over the phone. Though I knew in my heart & soul they were an unsuspecting person who probably just was hired or did not know our story..........
It was Heather. Praise God in all His wisdom again! He sent a call at just the right time from sweet Heather. Even to this day I am not proud of what came out of my mind, heart & mouth that morning to Heather. I had been wounded once again in a spot that I wondered will it ever be left to heal? My anger was my reaction to defend myself of the threat/reality of feeling it ALL OVER AGAIN. My reaction was just MEAN. So mean in thought, so mean in words, so mean in spirit. The flesh had taken over and I was just MEAN. I will not go into gory details of the phone call but after I had let loose for a good while I cried to Heather I was sorry & thanked her for just being on the other end of the phone. I then sat down and wrote what I feel was a composed & forgiving email to the director of AWAA with a forward of the e-mail I had received. My heart was not forgiving at that moment but my hands were being guided by the Holy Spirit who would renew my strength & allow me to forgive.
Now over a week later I still feel my throat close and tears start when I remember the pain of that e-mail. No, no matter how many apologies were/are made and no matter the kind words that were sent the pain I experienced was excruciating. For days I asked God, "Why?". Why would He allow me to be hurt like that when I was doing so well? I searched the Word, I searched my heart and a week later He told me. This morning in my study of Esther at church Beth Moore spoke straight to my heart on behalf of God to answer "Why?". I am not going to quote my lesson but try to put it in my words on how He answered through the study.....
God is as clear in what He does not reveal in His word as He is in what He does. God wants us to take our pain, worries to Him with extreme humility and ask Him earnestly what we should do and earnestly listen and obey. Our feeling "inside" is the best indicator of whether or not our hearts are right with Him. If we feel arrogant, mad and seeking vengeance, our hearts are wrong. If we are humble, and bow down face forward to Him, then our hearts are pure. Do you see my first mistake on the 13th? I do now in vivid color! AWAA's oversight had pounded my "fleshy" heart & soul like a battering ram. Instead of reacting with my "mind-set", I had responded with my mood. See, Satan is counting on me to grow weak/tired through the process of God making me strong. But the truth is even the weak grow strong as long as they set their minds to it. Yes, sometimes I am going to be "out of sorts". Temptations are going to come at me for the rest of my life to cave in and sin because I am going to be in the "mood" to sin. I have to draw from my "God given mind-set" to make me strong. I have to live now intentionally & determined about where I want to "set" my mind. No matter who or what pain causes my wound to open. So I want to close this post with the scripture which was included in my prayer today & will be everyday, Deuteronomy 33:25, "The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days."
God bless,
Jo
I know I said I would have to post later after much prayer about Tuesday, Jan. 13th. I have let over a week of healing from that day also help in writing about what transpired. I want everyone to know before I go any further that I no longer hold any ill will or anger towards anyone involved in this horrible mistake. All databases have been corrected & I have been promised that something like this will never happen again. I did make the suggestion that our agency needs to not only keep the orphans of the world at heart but to never forget giving attention to detail when it comes to the adoptive families. If an agency gets too large to "keep track", they need to see if they are following their Christian Mission Statement. Now to what happened:
Honestly, on the 13th it was not pretty. Again, like so many times in the recent past I have precious Heather to thank for allowing me to just "VENT"(really scream) in her ear. You were/are a Godsend girlfriend. Many Thanks!
I woke up the morning of the 13th somewhat sore from the day before. Monday had been one of those "hard" days(Mondays & Wednesdays always are) when emotions are just at a high for whatever goofy reason. One of those days when you "feel" so much that it just takes over. When you can only muster the prayer of "God- help me!", and nothing else. These days you do praise the Spirit for coming to your rescue and finishing your daily prayer & praise for you. See, on Monday I had longed to see Anna, so I sat and watched the 3 brief home videos we have. I needed to mourn on Monday-that is about it. So Tuesday the 13th even though my heart was sore, I woke up and said in prayer, "God, this is a new day....help me make it a good one." I did my morning devotional & felt renewed & energized. I sat down at my computer to see an email from our adoption agency(from both adoptions, America World) and was curious from the title "Important Information Requested by the CCAA". So naturally I opened it. I believe once I read the below opening sentence I stopped breathing for a few seconds:
Subject: Important Information Requested by the CCAA
Date: Monday, January 12, 2009, 4:50 PM
Dear Families,
I hope you are doing well with the newest addition to your family! I am sure you have your hands full, however, I am writing to request the Appendix 7 report which is a short self assessment required from the CCAA’s Special Needs Department....................................."
To try to describe to you the pain that took over every part of my being is impossible. Then the rage rose up without any warning. The kind of rage where you only see red. I remember grabbing for the phone and my hand was shaking. I remember only being conscious enough to say, "please God, give me the words". I left a very controlled voice mail in a very shaky voice for the coordinator who sent the obviously universal e-mail. I was then going to call the director, but I can honestly say I knew that God was telling me not to. I got up to go take a shower. I prayed incessantly for God to take away the anger. To allow me to forgive but oh, I just kept getting madder. My emotions were uncontrollable and Satan was having a field day. I got out of the shower and was drying my hair still screaming inside my head when the phone rang. I just knew it was AWAA calling me back. I was ready! Ready to verbally attack, fatally wound & feel/seek revenge. Almost 5 months of built up emotions were going to come out on this person over the phone. Though I knew in my heart & soul they were an unsuspecting person who probably just was hired or did not know our story..........
It was Heather. Praise God in all His wisdom again! He sent a call at just the right time from sweet Heather. Even to this day I am not proud of what came out of my mind, heart & mouth that morning to Heather. I had been wounded once again in a spot that I wondered will it ever be left to heal? My anger was my reaction to defend myself of the threat/reality of feeling it ALL OVER AGAIN. My reaction was just MEAN. So mean in thought, so mean in words, so mean in spirit. The flesh had taken over and I was just MEAN. I will not go into gory details of the phone call but after I had let loose for a good while I cried to Heather I was sorry & thanked her for just being on the other end of the phone. I then sat down and wrote what I feel was a composed & forgiving email to the director of AWAA with a forward of the e-mail I had received. My heart was not forgiving at that moment but my hands were being guided by the Holy Spirit who would renew my strength & allow me to forgive.
Now over a week later I still feel my throat close and tears start when I remember the pain of that e-mail. No, no matter how many apologies were/are made and no matter the kind words that were sent the pain I experienced was excruciating. For days I asked God, "Why?". Why would He allow me to be hurt like that when I was doing so well? I searched the Word, I searched my heart and a week later He told me. This morning in my study of Esther at church Beth Moore spoke straight to my heart on behalf of God to answer "Why?". I am not going to quote my lesson but try to put it in my words on how He answered through the study.....
God is as clear in what He does not reveal in His word as He is in what He does. God wants us to take our pain, worries to Him with extreme humility and ask Him earnestly what we should do and earnestly listen and obey. Our feeling "inside" is the best indicator of whether or not our hearts are right with Him. If we feel arrogant, mad and seeking vengeance, our hearts are wrong. If we are humble, and bow down face forward to Him, then our hearts are pure. Do you see my first mistake on the 13th? I do now in vivid color! AWAA's oversight had pounded my "fleshy" heart & soul like a battering ram. Instead of reacting with my "mind-set", I had responded with my mood. See, Satan is counting on me to grow weak/tired through the process of God making me strong. But the truth is even the weak grow strong as long as they set their minds to it. Yes, sometimes I am going to be "out of sorts". Temptations are going to come at me for the rest of my life to cave in and sin because I am going to be in the "mood" to sin. I have to draw from my "God given mind-set" to make me strong. I have to live now intentionally & determined about where I want to "set" my mind. No matter who or what pain causes my wound to open. So I want to close this post with the scripture which was included in my prayer today & will be everyday, Deuteronomy 33:25, "The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days."
God bless,
Jo
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The New Year, A Rebuilding Year
Yes, we are still here and praise the Almighty we are still vertical. Honestly, this last month or so has been a period of time that just needed our full attention without commentating. So, in the next several posts I will be trying to recap. some of the important highlights without drowning you with too many details. As for today, January 13, 2009.......I will get back to today later. I need to pray and form my words carefully about today. So God bless each of you who have worried on our status. We are doing alright and continue to move forward with the help of God and all your prayers. Thank you for checking in and here we go.....
In His Embrace,
Jo
In His Embrace,
Jo
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Quiet Christmas with a Scare
So looking back on this Christmas I am so in awe of how God lifted our little threesome up to still embrace what could have been a very hard holiday. The splendor, wonder & pure God provided majesty of the season over shadowed our pain. I am not saying that we "forgot Anna" for even a moment because that just does not happen. She is tucked safely in all 3 of our hearts and for Grace & I, usually a day does not pass without one of us mentioning a memory from that sweet 10 weeks. To be honest it comes harder for Tony. God love him he is such a good, tender hearted and sweet hearted father. Loosing our Anna has torn him apart in so many ways but just like me, Tony walks a taller & closer walk with Christ. We all grieve together but on different levels and on different time tables. I have learned very quickly that we have to do it together but also separately with God. There is no expectations of the other to say, feel, do or act as the other has and that is what is working for us. Like I have said before and so many have told me in passing, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve." We cling to the cross and the man who hung on it for our direction and He answers us.
(Nana, Grace & Gus just chillin' & smillin')
(Grace just posing with her reindeer head-dress)
Christmas was quiet. Grace decided to start feeling a little yucky Christmas night and start carrying a fever. For those of you who do not know how my Grace works, here's a quick explanation(so you do not think I am a negligent momma). By the grace of God, Grace is healthy as a horse. She has a built in immune system that seems to fight the worst of the worst off in just days with only a fever at times to show she is fighting. So I figured this time was the same. We made the decision to head home, Grace & I to VA to visit my folks for the remainder of her school vacation. Tony stayed back in TN since he had to return to work and would limit our visit. Due to Anna's adoption & just timing of things it had been June 2007 since I had gone home to just visit. 18 months is a long time when you love your parents & childhood home/home town like I do. Usually Grace gets to see her Nana & Pop every 3 months and had still had since she was with them while we were in China meeting our Anna. So we started our 12 hour journey to Southampton Co., VA with a stop in Wytheville over night since it is a littler harder when there is only one of you driving. Grace's fever went up/down the whole way there and her glands started to stick out, especially the one under her right ear. Long story short we ended up arriving home(Thank the Good Lord) and Grace spiked a 106 fever. After 5.5 hours in the emergency room, blood work, chest x-ray and ct scan(of lungs), a quick strep test came back positive. Grace had strep. Funny thing is her throat was normal and she had not complained once. The kid eats like a horse and had not stopped even with the fever. Praise God! From head to toe she was checked and it was strep.
Christmas was quiet. Grace decided to start feeling a little yucky Christmas night and start carrying a fever. For those of you who do not know how my Grace works, here's a quick explanation(so you do not think I am a negligent momma). By the grace of God, Grace is healthy as a horse. She has a built in immune system that seems to fight the worst of the worst off in just days with only a fever at times to show she is fighting. So I figured this time was the same. We made the decision to head home, Grace & I to VA to visit my folks for the remainder of her school vacation. Tony stayed back in TN since he had to return to work and would limit our visit. Due to Anna's adoption & just timing of things it had been June 2007 since I had gone home to just visit. 18 months is a long time when you love your parents & childhood home/home town like I do. Usually Grace gets to see her Nana & Pop every 3 months and had still had since she was with them while we were in China meeting our Anna. So we started our 12 hour journey to Southampton Co., VA with a stop in Wytheville over night since it is a littler harder when there is only one of you driving. Grace's fever went up/down the whole way there and her glands started to stick out, especially the one under her right ear. Long story short we ended up arriving home(Thank the Good Lord) and Grace spiked a 106 fever. After 5.5 hours in the emergency room, blood work, chest x-ray and ct scan(of lungs), a quick strep test came back positive. Grace had strep. Funny thing is her throat was normal and she had not complained once. The kid eats like a horse and had not stopped even with the fever. Praise God! From head to toe she was checked and it was strep.
For those of you who have followed our progress you know I had mentioned on Anna's birthday how frightened I was of going back into the hospital. Well, that was not just Vandy. It was hospitals in general. I have quietly spoke to God without much commentary to anyone else how the idea of Grace or Tony going to the hospital would scare me to death. I feel the same at this point about my sweet beast of hound, Winston. Winston has needed his teeth cleaned by the vet. for 4 months now and God bless our vet she has completely understood my fear in putting an 11 year old dog under anesthesia for teeth cleaning. Sooo---God wanted to show me without any question that no matter how scared I was of the "hospital" & the fear/trust factor that goes with it I could survive it. His help! His help! His Help! That is all I needed. Now you are not going to believe this but He again gave His personal attention to my need that night. As they were getting ready to take Grace back for the chest X-ray my cell phone rang. My Momma answered and it was Heather back here in TN. The Holy spirit had gotten her attention that night and she just knew something was wrong & that I needed her. Where the fear had suppressed my ability to pray anything other than, "Please, God not Grace. Please God help me!" I stood in the hallway of that hospital and my dear, precious friend prayed for/with me. Then the peace enveloped me like a warm hug. She got on the phone & computer and the prayers were heard. He lifted, supported & strengthened me. Praise God--what would I do without Him? How would I survive? Friendship-A true gift from God(Love you Heather!)!
(Nana, Grace & Gus just chillin' & smillin')So the rest of the visit was filled with quiet rest & just good ole' fashioned quality time with my folks. For Grace to be able to crawl on the couch with her Nana & Pop and just rest was the best medicine. I watched my 70+ Daddy play hide & seek with her in the back yard a few days later. To see that sweet man hiding behind huge pine trees was just so special
. Grace wanted a "tool box" for her reward for being so brave in the E.R. that night. You know my Grace....no princess stuff for her. Pop & her had a blast playing Mr. Fix It. See when they did the chest X-ray the doctor noticed something funny & wanted to be 100% sure Grace was good head to toe. So, we did the CT scan. The tech. was a sweet woman my Momma had known for years and she was so kind to Grace. Grace was scared but so brave. I was praying with her as they prepped her to do the scan and this dear woman over heard me. She said, " I just love hearing the momma's who talk with their babies to God." I told her
. Grace wanted a "tool box" for her reward for being so brave in the E.R. that night. You know my Grace....no princess stuff for her. Pop & her had a blast playing Mr. Fix It. See when they did the chest X-ray the doctor noticed something funny & wanted to be 100% sure Grace was good head to toe. So, we did the CT scan. The tech. was a sweet woman my Momma had known for years and she was so kind to Grace. Grace was scared but so brave. I was praying with her as they prepped her to do the scan and this dear woman over heard me. She said, " I just love hearing the momma's who talk with their babies to God." I told her how Grace loved God so much already and had such a personal relationship with Him at such an early age. Without hesitation Grace said, "Jesus is my King, The most powerful and the Only King. I love Him & He loves me." Oh, how proud a moment for me. Especially as little tears rolled down her cheeks from fear. My Grace. My little, brave girl with the zeal for life. Yes, the wind had been knocked out of me and it took about 4 days for me to "normalize" but we enjoyed our quiet Christmas so much. The blessing, meaning & true gift of the season was not missed and I am so grateful for every moment.....even our Sunday scare.
In His Embrace,
Jo
Sunday, December 14, 2008
God's Gift~Friendship
I know that I am really playing catch up on my posts but it really has taken me a while to work through all the emotions and time of reflection that the months of November & December have awakened in me. I am still working through them and every closing of a year erupts these types of feelings but boy, this year has knocked my socks off. Seriously, it has been intense on so many levels.
(Sorry for the positioning of pics but it will not let them move!) 
In previous posts I have mentioned the names of some gorgeous women who I am honored to call friends. I have also mentioned my "support network" here in TN. That is these same women. The funny(yes, I mean HA, HA, funny) thing is all of us must have gone thr
ough similar reflective days at really the same time because there were about 3 days of just the sappiest, warm & fuzzy, Kissie-huggie junk being sent between us via email. You got to love how the mighty Creator formed us Chickie babes. To the outsider & especially outside male it would have seemed pretty estrogen fueled. Regardless, these specific women are the angels God sent to me the night before we said goodbye to Anna. These are the women that laid their hands on me and prayed hard with me for divine intervention or a divine sign into the wee hours of the morning. The women who laughed & cried with me that night and acted on the Holy Spirits behalf to strengthen me one last time before I had to let go.
ough similar reflective days at really the same time because there were about 3 days of just the sappiest, warm & fuzzy, Kissie-huggie junk being sent between us via email. You got to love how the mighty Creator formed us Chickie babes. To the outsider & especially outside male it would have seemed pretty estrogen fueled. Regardless, these specific women are the angels God sent to me the night before we said goodbye to Anna. These are the women that laid their hands on me and prayed hard with me for divine intervention or a divine sign into the wee hours of the morning. The women who laughed & cried with me that night and acted on the Holy Spirits behalf to strengthen me one last time before I had to let go.Two of my dear friends Cindy & Heather honored Anna, Tony, Grace & me with the ultimate gifts the night of Anna's birthday(Dec. 4th). For me they answered a prayer that I had not shared with anyone. A prayer I had cried out silently to God in the shower(where I do my best & most private praying, crying, screaming). I was starting to forget little details of Anna and had pleaded for God's help to remember.....how small her hand was, how she held her fingers up and those toes. Yes, I had pictures and yes, I had looked at them in passing but had not trusted myself to really study them or to start printing off the camera to scrapbook. These two sweet, loving and all giving ladies took so much time and effort to give me just that. The four pictures here can not tell you how special both of these gifts are. To the normal eye they would be a photo book & hand/foot imprint but to me they gave me a little of my Anna back. Now I can 
pick up her book and see every picture we ever took of Anna and lay my hand on top of her
pick up her book and see every picture we ever took of Anna and lay my hand on top of her 
(Sorry for the positioning of pics but it will not let them move!) imprints and remember with clear vision how small they were. Every line & crease is in those imprints.....the tedious, mind numbing monotony that had to have taken over while Heather was doing this is just mind blowing. To make imprints from the prints the hospital took of Anna would have seemed impossible to me but not to our Heather. How special could two gifts be? Not even all the diamonds on earth could outweigh their value. I am so blessed to call you both friends. That is a God given gift that I will never take for granted. My grandfather told me one thing as a child that I have remembered and carried to adulthood....."before you die if you can call one person a true friend you are the richest woman alive". Well, Grandaddy I am at the top of Forbes Fortune 500. I love you two!
December 2007 I sat here in TN happy & content but feeling the overwhelming void of loneliness. We were still in the "waiting" stage of our 2nd adoption and yes, I had my family but the closeness of a good friend was still missing. A friend who knew what the ups & downs of adoption and what the wait meant. I had so many friends back home in VA and they will always be my kindred spirits that hold my past & my heart. Some of the most loving people that I still miss in ways everyday. I still was lonely for that companionship that only a woman friend who just lives down the street or across town can provide. A friend that knows your stories, knows your little idiosyncrasies and still loves ya. I prayed for that last year in the "reflective ending of 2007". God answered that prayer and yes, it took a horrible moment in my life for me to really "see" that they had been all around me but it was me who had not let them in. God gave me a miracle which made me vulnerable in "trusting" to let someone know me here in TN.....the real Jo, the ugly and not so together Jo.
He gave me Anna & He gave friends who have held my hand, wiped my tears, prayed with me and for me everyday since I had to let her go. Thank each of you for your part in helping me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin to try to start all over again. To my network of Godly made supportive women I dedicate this post to you......God guides my keystrokes to thank You! Cindy, Heather, Angela, Stefanie, Amy, Leslie. You walk the walk & You talk the talk. God bless you! In addition it is with sweet sincerity that I thank Patrice, Robin, Anne & Teresa. You each are so inspirational to me. I look forward to the years to come and the moments we will share. God's gifts........ Friendship is one of the best!
Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one [wo]man sharpens another."
Hugs,
Jo
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Birthday Blessings Part 3
Driving back to the house from dropping off Heather I always pass this gorgeous horse farm. It sits in the curve of a back road here in Franklin. I will never forget how the sky looked over the horizon of that farm. The gray heavy clouds were starting to break apart shooting rays of hidden sun through them.....then the Almighty answered my first prayer of the morning......(to give me another focus other than my pain).
I had not thought of her since June 16, 2008, the day they put Anna in my arms. My mind went to a woman a half a world away who was remembering Dec. 4th because it was burned into her memory. The day she gave birth to a sweet baby girl. The baby girl that a month later she would leave on the cardiac floor of the local children's hospital in the dark of night so that she would not be arrested. A woman who left that sweet baby girl because her lips were blue and she knew she could not provide her with what she needed. A woman not like me who was probably a half a world away grieving her baby girl without knowing if she survived or where she might be. Then the real blessing of the day grabbed my heart. It rang loud and clear. I am Anna's mother for forever and I know the truth! I know that she is sitting on the lap of Jesus today, her heart beating fully without struggle. I know they are both smiling because they are both pleased with her birthday project. I know the promise, that one day I will see my sweet baby girl again & will hold her tight cheek to cheek and dance and never tire. That is my focus, that is my blessing and that no matter how the pain throbs I just need to remember the Promise. What a truth to make you smile.....just as I am smiling typing this tonight.
I had not thought of her since June 16, 2008, the day they put Anna in my arms. My mind went to a woman a half a world away who was remembering Dec. 4th because it was burned into her memory. The day she gave birth to a sweet baby girl. The baby girl that a month later she would leave on the cardiac floor of the local children's hospital in the dark of night so that she would not be arrested. A woman who left that sweet baby girl because her lips were blue and she knew she could not provide her with what she needed. A woman not like me who was probably a half a world away grieving her baby girl without knowing if she survived or where she might be. Then the real blessing of the day grabbed my heart. It rang loud and clear. I am Anna's mother for forever and I know the truth! I know that she is sitting on the lap of Jesus today, her heart beating fully without struggle. I know they are both smiling because they are both pleased with her birthday project. I know the promise, that one day I will see my sweet baby girl again & will hold her tight cheek to cheek and dance and never tire. That is my focus, that is my blessing and that no matter how the pain throbs I just need to remember the Promise. What a truth to make you smile.....just as I am smiling typing this tonight.
So once I arrived home I closed my eyes and asked my Maker to please by some miracle give that woman a world away peace like me today. I prayed for her to know Him and if she did not for someone to enter her life that would introduce the truth to her. For her to accept Him as hers so that one day she too can see our Anna again and share eternity.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this very long post-part 1(I promise there were a ton of other things I have omited) I wanted to find a way to help Grace with her confusion with Anna going to heaven before blowing out birthday candles. I prayed over this for a good month & sound boarded so many of my support network here in TN. Finally I shut up long enough to hear God tell me how to do it. Not only this year but every year.
You see I am completely at peace with the perfect plan God had for our Anna. To be at peace with it does not mean that I will not miss her every moment of every day until I draw my last breath. It means I do not plan on spending every year from this year on thinking "Anna would be 4 this year, Anna would be 5 this year and so on." No, for me my Anna was to be 2 years, 8 months & 23 days old. That was God's plan & I played a role in that plan but I will never wonder "what if". This is how I am personally comforted with this horrible event & dealing with the question "Why?" The horrible question that we will never know the answer to this side of heaven. I know others who live differently and God bless each of us and how we find comfort. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We grieve not by choice but the best way we can.
So my answer was for Grace & I to light white luminaries around Anna's memorial here in our neighborhood. It was for us to pray, read His word and for Grace to release three balloons(one white, two silver) into the nights sky. As we released them we said a special prayer.....the 1st was to thank God & praise Him for allowing us to love Anna and for her to hear us that night especially when we sent our love & sang Happy Birthday. 2nd was for God to continue to guide, protect & love the children in need of this world, especially all the children w/out momma's & poppa's. 3rd was to thank God for loving our family so attentively and to continue to help us with our grief. To make His plan known to us as a family and the role He wants us to play in helping the orphans of this world.
For it to have been a rainy, dreary day around dusk the sky finally cleared, the stars came out and the air turned crisp. For Grace, Tony, a few close friends & myself it was the perfect way to celebrate the end of a beautiful birthday filled with endless blessings. As we walked back to our house and turned to see the luminaries glowing across the pond Grace was content. She told me that it was prettier than just candles on a cake....she knew Anna had seen them. My prayer for her to be at peace with Anna's birthday was just answered. Praise God from who ALL BLESSINGS FLOW & my how they GLOW!
Jo
Birthday Blessings Part 2
So as we drove away from Vandy I was just plain giddy. It was perfect. Our project had ended perfectly just as it had started. So my next desire was to head to the cemetery to place a little something at Anna's spot and to see the Christmas tree the funeral home had written to us about. You see one of the funeral directors at Williamson takes the time to put up a tree and hand make ornaments in honor of all who they have served during the calendar year. Then after the first each family comes to receive the ornament as a gift. I wanted to see Anna's orna
ment. The tree was breathtaking. It took you a moment to process that each ornament represented a loss for another family somewhere. It made me feel very small in my pain. No, I am not the only one grieving. Thank you dear God for the 2nd prayer You answered on this special day(the prayer was for God to allow me to stop focusing on the pain I was suffering). While standing there we noticed two snowflakes attached and they caught your eye immediately. Come to find out it was a mother & child. Both had perished due to complications in the pregnancy. I was shocked with the realization of what that husband/father must have gone through & was still going through. To walk through the valley in the shadow of death is an experience enough, but to loose them both must of be like a living hell here on earth. My heart wept for that dear man & he will continue to be in my daily prayers. I was moved by how Pam the director could tell us with such clarity about each person on each or
nament. 4 months ago she had been our angel in making the worst arrangements imaginable and I realized that is what God made & designed her so perfectly for. I along with I know countless others thank you sweet Pam for your love & attention to detail. Amazing how the Father who has so much in His hands can ordain even the most minuet detail in our lives. How humbling a thought to think Him so wise and me so unworthy. Another moment of this special day ended with a sweet amazing blessing. Thank you again Heather for capturing this part of our day.
ment. The tree was breathtaking. It took you a moment to process that each ornament represented a loss for another family somewhere. It made me feel very small in my pain. No, I am not the only one grieving. Thank you dear God for the 2nd prayer You answered on this special day(the prayer was for God to allow me to stop focusing on the pain I was suffering). While standing there we noticed two snowflakes attached and they caught your eye immediately. Come to find out it was a mother & child. Both had perished due to complications in the pregnancy. I was shocked with the realization of what that husband/father must have gone through & was still going through. To walk through the valley in the shadow of death is an experience enough, but to loose them both must of be like a living hell here on earth. My heart wept for that dear man & he will continue to be in my daily prayers. I was moved by how Pam the director could tell us with such clarity about each person on each or
nament. 4 months ago she had been our angel in making the worst arrangements imaginable and I realized that is what God made & designed her so perfectly for. I along with I know countless others thank you sweet Pam for your love & attention to detail. Amazing how the Father who has so much in His hands can ordain even the most minuet detail in our lives. How humbling a thought to think Him so wise and me so unworthy. Another moment of this special day ended with a sweet amazing blessing. Thank you again Heather for capturing this part of our day.Jo
Birthday Blessings Part 1
I awoke Thursday, December 4, 2009 to a cold, rainy and damp day. You know the kind of dampness that makes your bones ache? I awoke that morning with my heart hurting for what the day meant to our family and prayed to my beautiful Maker to give me a focus for my hurt. A focus other than my pain & the painful, scary memories of the place I was returning to that morning. You see I was going back to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and even though my reason for returning was such an amazing one I was suddenly scared. I was flooded as I showered and got dressed with vivid details of my time spent at Vanderbilt in August. Oh, how your brain with the wonderful help and egging on of Satan can just stir up so much pain. I grabbed the sink and told myself in the mirror "That is enough.......God get rid of this junk and talk to me."
Let's back up to the reason I was preparing to return to Vandy. A dear, beautiful and fairly new friend had passed on a service project idea that her sweet family did yearly. Heather, you know who you are and I thank God everyday for sharing your passion for children, especially special needs orphans to me. This is a time in my life when God knows I need to see the "passion" side of this earthly life up close & personal. He gave me you......thank you! Heather shared with me the idea and without ever getting the opportunity to meet or touch my sweet Anna knew it was a perfect way I could honor her birthday "the right way". You see I had voiced over & over to all my friends who are walking this journey with me here in TN that I did not want to celebrate Anna's birthday the way that I would if she was still earthbound. That being said there was such an urgency for my Grace to be able to 
visualize Anna's celebration and feel that her sister was seeing it in heaven. You see, the one thing Grace still was finding hard to understand was why Jesus would take her baby sister to heaven without being allowed to blow out birthday candles first. Birthday candles as most of you know are very important to a 5 year old. So we started the First Annual Anna Marie "Just For Me" Packets. This was to initially be just a small service project where we would fill manila envelopes with a coloring book, crayons(3-5), a sheet of stickers and a small container of play-doh. I thought that it would be the quiet part of our celebration and Grace & I would deliver lets say....50 packets to Vandy from our family, Grace's kindergarten class & a few close friends. Then Heather suggested I email this idea out and let my email address book know what I was doing......I was very hesitant about this because I just did not want people to be burned out on the "G----- family" and what we were going through. After a good bit of coaxing and a ton of brow beating Heather & another beautiful friend Cindy talked me into doing just that. I emailed out a quick heads up and a picture of the flyer I had made up for Grace's class. Well, you could have knocked me over with the response I got. Within an hour my wonderful friend and co-worker Cathy from Notre Dame Academy in VA called me to say the student council for the school had decided to adopt Anna' s birthday project as a school community service project. Krista the faculty advisor to student council was my dear friends daughter and a long time sweet child that had and continues to hold a special place in my heart. Tony & I used to look at Cathy's girls and say over & over "we pray one day we will be blessed with good girls like Cathy's". Now the young lady I had watched grow into a strong, beautiful faith filled woman was honoring my Anna. To say I was moved is an understatement. Along with NDA, the Franklin Special School District Girl Scout Troops led by a dear neighbor and her daughter called to say they were on board. This with so many friends and family members donations we made just shy of 500 "Just For Me Packets" for Vandy to honor Anna's birthday. It was a beautiful, simple project but one I knew would bring so many smiles. Like I quoted in my heads up email, " If my Anna would have opened her eyes last August, I know a packet like this would have received the warmest of smiles & the sweetest of giggles".
visualize Anna's celebration and feel that her sister was seeing it in heaven. You see, the one thing Grace still was finding hard to understand was why Jesus would take her baby sister to heaven without being allowed to blow out birthday candles first. Birthday candles as most of you know are very important to a 5 year old. So we started the First Annual Anna Marie "Just For Me" Packets. This was to initially be just a small service project where we would fill manila envelopes with a coloring book, crayons(3-5), a sheet of stickers and a small container of play-doh. I thought that it would be the quiet part of our celebration and Grace & I would deliver lets say....50 packets to Vandy from our family, Grace's kindergarten class & a few close friends. Then Heather suggested I email this idea out and let my email address book know what I was doing......I was very hesitant about this because I just did not want people to be burned out on the "G----- family" and what we were going through. After a good bit of coaxing and a ton of brow beating Heather & another beautiful friend Cindy talked me into doing just that. I emailed out a quick heads up and a picture of the flyer I had made up for Grace's class. Well, you could have knocked me over with the response I got. Within an hour my wonderful friend and co-worker Cathy from Notre Dame Academy in VA called me to say the student council for the school had decided to adopt Anna' s birthday project as a school community service project. Krista the faculty advisor to student council was my dear friends daughter and a long time sweet child that had and continues to hold a special place in my heart. Tony & I used to look at Cathy's girls and say over & over "we pray one day we will be blessed with good girls like Cathy's". Now the young lady I had watched grow into a strong, beautiful faith filled woman was honoring my Anna. To say I was moved is an understatement. Along with NDA, the Franklin Special School District Girl Scout Troops led by a dear neighbor and her daughter called to say they were on board. This with so many friends and family members donations we made just shy of 500 "Just For Me Packets" for Vandy to honor Anna's birthday. It was a beautiful, simple project but one I knew would bring so many smiles. Like I quoted in my heads up email, " If my Anna would have opened her eyes last August, I know a packet like this would have received the warmest of smiles & the sweetest of giggles".Now, fast forward.......
I am driving to pick up Heather who in her usual "grab the bull by the horns" fashion has already contacted Vandy ahead of time to say we are coming & be prepared. She had contacted the head of volunteer services and had it all lined up. It is starting to sleet & snow mix as I am driving and I am praying silently and out loud for God to strengthen me and not make me have to enter the hospital unless it is really necessary. I voiced this weakness to Heather as she got in and as only a true, good friend would say, "No big deal, they are meeting us at the valet parking entrance and you do not have to go in." Oh, one prayer answered and without knowing it so many left ahead of me on this special day. To say the people at Vandy were surprised would be an understatement. I think they would not have been more surprised if we had hit them in the head with a board. They greeted us with one little red wagon. In classic Heather fashion she said, "Oh, that is not going to work." Tony's truck was full of these wonderful packets to the point that there was only room for Heather & I(Grace had school that day & her part in the celebration was yet to come). So quickly as possible we unloaded the packets. Boy, was it cold. I informed the director we woul
d see her next year on Dec. 4th but she better be ready because next year I would be driving a U-Haul to get the project delivered. Each of YOU are the reason for that......Thank you so much! Believe it or not we have already received monetary donations for next years project and so many more volunteers to sponsor our sweet celebration. Amazing! So amazing! The pictures speak for themselves and I have Heather, yet again to thank for those. You can see how the packets were decorated by all the students, scouts & children. Each packet had a sticker with Anna's picture telling that even though she was in heaven celebrating this year her gift was for that recipient. A little footnote: Heather and her church group did another 100+ packets the following weekend and delivered them the following week.....so grand total we gave around 700 children smiles from Anna. Oh, what a blessing, what a gift, what a birthday morning! Hope you enjoy the pictures!
d see her next year on Dec. 4th but she better be ready because next year I would be driving a U-Haul to get the project delivered. Each of YOU are the reason for that......Thank you so much! Believe it or not we have already received monetary donations for next years project and so many more volunteers to sponsor our sweet celebration. Amazing! So amazing! The pictures speak for themselves and I have Heather, yet again to thank for those. You can see how the packets were decorated by all the students, scouts & children. Each packet had a sticker with Anna's picture telling that even though she was in heaven celebrating this year her gift was for that recipient. A little footnote: Heather and her church group did another 100+ packets the following weekend and delivered them the following week.....so grand total we gave around 700 children smiles from Anna. Oh, what a blessing, what a gift, what a birthday morning! Hope you enjoy the pictures!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Visions of You
I just spent the last several minutes going back and reading the lovely comments so many of you have posted in response to our updates in the last 3 months. They give me such comfort. Tonight is one of those nights that the house is too quiet for this momma. Tony & Grace are both sound asleep and the low, rhythmic sound of Winston's snoring here at my feet put me at ease but still the longing for something makes me antsy. This is how many nights at 11:00 feel. I am weary with tiredness from the days activities but wired just enough to keep me up.
Today I finished putting the Christmas trees up. I did 3 1/2 this year. The family room, foyer, our bedroom and a table top in Grace's room. After opening all the boxes of Christmas decorations and decor on Monday I had trouble all day staying focused. It was 3 months to the date Anna's cardiac cath had taken place & the day I believe she met Jesus. As I connected the trees and started to string the lights I could feel two hands embrace my knees in a familiar way. As I stopped to look down I saw you......your smile & Donald Duck voice giggle. I could hear you say "Hi, Momma". I could feel you lay your little head close to my legs and pat me with your right hand. Oh, how you always seemed to be comforting me. Every hug you gave me had a little pat of your hand with it. My mind makes your hand feel just as warm as it did a little over 3 months ago. A beautiful vision, one I wish was real. You loved me so much. You showed me that in so many ways & without a doubt I still feel you loving me. I know I made you happy and oh, the joy you gave and still give with every memory. Even before you left me I would daydream on how your little face would look the first time you saw the lights of our tree and tasted pumpkin pie. How my heart aches in not witnessing these little things. Yet as much as it aches it rejoices knowing you will witness the grand processional on Christmas morning of angels on high and trumpets blasting "He is Born!" How could my pumpkin pie ever measure up to that? How proud I am that I do not stand here in front of this tree and worry about where you are. I am at peace and know for as long as I draw breath I will be at peace about where you are now.
This household holds this time of the year so close to our hearts. Tony & I were married 15 years ago Dec. 11th and our Grace adores & cherishes the season just as we do. The magic of God's love drifting down over this earth like the feeling of a light snow blanketing us on a cold night. Even though it is cold here, like the snow His love make us all feel warmer. Baby Jesus being born is so special to us and every moment that surrounds His birth we just love. My Anna was also born at this magical time of year, Dec. 4th. To remember her birthday and to honor her life we have organized a community service project for the children at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. I will post what we have organized & a picture of the amazing response after their delivery on the 4th. I see our Anna as a guardian angel of children. I feel her, see her and hear her tell me, "Momma, do it for the children".........so we will. I close my eyes and say a prayer of Thanksgiving for my moment of reverie no matter how bittersweet and tell God to hold her close for me today. I know He will. He has held me just as close for the last 3 months.
Jo
Monday, October 27, 2008
Two months have gone by
Hello to everyone. I am posting to give you an update on how life is going. Our Heavenly Father continues to give us what we need to walk through this life and still enjoy every blessed moment. Things in life are so bittersweet and I think all three of us look at things in a different light. The important issues of the past seem less important and things we used to not put emphasis on we do now. In the middle of all of these changes still lays a ton of pain & separation. I would lie to you if I did not admit we reflect the pain and it's affects at times. Like any other relationship our family's relationship with one another must grow, adapt, evolve & strengthen through this. This takes a ton of effort & a ton of energy right now. Energy that we find in short supply many of the times. One of the many blessings that has inspired our family to keep its strength & endurance is the memorial spot placed in our neighborhood by our dear neighbors & friends. The above pictures show how sweet this little spot looks but I want to tell you that it has a joy & peace surrounding it that only our God & our Anna could have provided. I have also attached a part of the letter of thanks we sent to our homeowners association. This section of the letter gives you an accurate glance at our understanding in God's plan: "We chose this neighborhood 2 years ago during a very difficult time of relocating away from family & close friends in Virginia. Carlisle’s quaint vista & secure gated environment made it the home we were looking for. We now feel that for the last two years we have had our noses pressed to the glass of a beautiful picture and that by God’s guidance & direction have been pulled back to see the magnificence of His plan. Anna was His plan in relocating us to TN and sending us to China for a 2-½ year old with a congenital heart defect. For us to live in Carlisle was also His plan. He wanted us to witness His compassion & ever-sustaining love through people like you.
The day we planned Anna’s funeral was one of the hardest but also one of the most remarkable moments in our lives. Tony & I were like two small children that were hurt & afraid. We wanted to run to the comfort and security of home in VA and never look back. As adults we all still have moments when the idea of being "home" seems to fix everything. We were so tormented, but one of the many things we walked away with that afternoon were the wise words of our pastor Sam Boyd. He told us that we reminded him of wounded bears that just wanted away from the pain. He said that we were in the middle of a spiritual war and that each place we looked & went there would be painful, difficult & heart wrenching memories of our Anna. He informed us very accurately that one day the healing of time would overcome that battle ground and make it holy ground. Ground we would have a hard time separating from because those painful memories would eventually strengthen and sustain us. Yes, Pastor Sam was so right. Carlisle is our holy ground. We still see Anna toddling down the driveway, squealing with delight at the idea of riding in the stroller and most importantly we see our Anna in each of you who touched not only her life but also ours with your love.
Now all that love & joy is found in a quiet, beautiful spot on the far side of the pond. The sweet sound of trickling water is the music to this sanctuary of peace. We so enjoy seeing people sit on the bench & walk that part of the common area. I witnessed the sunset the night the bench area was completed. Anna in all her wonderful colors filled the expanse of the evening sky and shot streams of pink & orange to that very spot. We know without a doubt that was Anna’s way of saying "thank you" from heaven.
So as inept as the words "thank you" are, we are so grateful for each of you that have helped in keeping our Anna here in memory and spirit. Anna was pure joy for the short time she graced our lives and we pray that each of you will be blessed with the peace & joy of her spot every time you visit it. The knowledge of each of you experiencing peace & joy throughout your lives would make our Anna very happy."
This spot is such a joy to our family. When I sit on that bench I feel so close to heaven. I am merely one breath away from my Maker & baby girl. What a comfort that is. Our two months no matter how hard, have been one day after another walking side by side with our Lord. Some days you feel Him holding you upright, others He carries us. Never once have I not felt His amazing presence.....that presence started strongly for me 06-16-08, our Anna's Gotcha Day. What a joyful feeling in the middle of uncertainty. Thank you all for your part in His love for us in the last two months. We are filled with hope when we think that our chapter in God's Holy book still continues. God's Blessings & Love to each of you!
This spot is such a joy to our family. When I sit on that bench I feel so close to heaven. I am merely one breath away from my Maker & baby girl. What a comfort that is. Our two months no matter how hard, have been one day after another walking side by side with our Lord. Some days you feel Him holding you upright, others He carries us. Never once have I not felt His amazing presence.....that presence started strongly for me 06-16-08, our Anna's Gotcha Day. What a joyful feeling in the middle of uncertainty. Thank you all for your part in His love for us in the last two months. We are filled with hope when we think that our chapter in God's Holy book still continues. God's Blessings & Love to each of you!
Jo
Friday, October 3, 2008
Food For Thought Friday
My dear friend Cindy really came up with the title for this entry. I have to write what my amazing Lord gifted my heart with this morning during my personal bible study. To give the appropriate credit this is a Charles Stanley study that I am doing for Sunday school. "Living the Extraordinary Life" is for me the perfect study for the crossroads I now find myself facing. God in His wisdom already knew that! I have to share with you the sections that moved mountains inside me this morning and has brought light to the question "WHY"? I pray as I type that not only will this continue to comfort & guide me, but that God will guide me with His wisdom to pass this awakening on appropriately to Tony & Grace. From my study:
"God always does what is best for us. If we really believe this, we will trust Him even in our most difficult trials. Satan, who works to undermine our trust, often takes advantage of adversity by calling the Father's motives into question. He whispers, "If the Lord really loved you, He would not have allowed this to happen"-he wants us to associate the sting of spiritual discipline with a lack of divine caring. However, the exact opposit is true. Hebrews 12:6 tells us, "Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives." So, while natural thinking says peace and happiness are tokens of God's love, the Bible says difficulty and discipline are actually evidence of our membership in His family. The reason is clear: God cares for us so much that He will not allow us to stay as we are. Instead, He wants to transform us into the likeness of His Son.
However, while God completely understands every situation, He is under no obligation whatsoever to inform us of the rationale for His actions or decisions. Because He is infinitely wise, He simply cannot make a mistake! Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."
Although we must never look at someone else's situation and presume why God allowed a calamity, we should regard our tragedies and afflictions as reasons to inquire of the Lord, "What are You trying to say?" Ask Him what He wants to tell you, and then listen, not simply to hear but to OBEY. Because of His great love for you and His desire to give you a hope and a future, God is always reaching toward you. God answers even the most fervent prayers by denying our request when our desires are not in sync with His. God loves everybody equally, but He has different purposes for each life(2 Samuel 12:16-18)!
Thank you so much my wonderful, amazing & beautiful Creator. The healing of Your love sustains me like no other. Please continue to show me Your wisdom and help me never question that wisdom again, Amen.
Jo
Monday, September 29, 2008
Life Goes On, Even During A Storm
I had to write a little tonight. We had a wonderfully festive weekend with our Grace having on Saturday alone a soccer game, her 5th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's and a Predators hockey game. Fun was had by all and Grace was just so excited about each part of her day-especially the one & only goal she scored for her team. It was also the anniversary date(27th) of our sweet Anna going to heaven. I would be lying if I did not say that I was sad driving home after the party because my mind kept thinking of how Anna would have loved every loud, chaotic & obnoxious moment. We miss her so!
Our dear friends here in TN walked the AHA Walk for the Heart on Saturday and I have attached a sweet photo taken during their walk. This is their youngest little one and who we believe would have been Anna's best friend. The girls birthdays would have been only a month apart. Thank you CK & family for honoring our Anna with your walk and sending us this beautiful picture. This picture not only honors our Anna and her memory but all the beauty of ML's smile. We love that smile!
A very thoughtful person from Tony's agency sent us a very beautiful card today and I want to quote part of his sentiment to us. I have been very melancholy today and it really touched me. This is from a book he had read recently:
"We are like trees subjected to the stormy elements of life. When a storm comes, we either snap or grow stronger. What makes the difference is not the ferocity of the storm but the depth of our character."
We continue to thank our Father above for giving us strong roots of character and for our Anna who helped make them even deeper. We thank each of our friends and family for holding us close and sheltering us in this storm. We love you all!
Jo
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
4 weeks ago tonight
It has been 4 weeks ago tonight that our sweet little, precious Anna went home to be with her heavenly Father. As I write these words it is still hard to believe she is actually gone from our sight. I have missed her more deeply than I can describe with words. She was very special to me. I know as much as I miss her Jo Anna(Jo) is missing her every bit as much. That sweet little angel occupied every minute of Jo Anna's day. Then there is Grace, she is such an adventurous, free spirited child and Grace is missing Anna every bit as much as we are. Especially at bath time each night. It still hurts for me to look at pictures, especially the picture of me holding Anna. I can still feel her, smell her and hear her dear little voice. It makes me sad beyond belief. Psalm 127:5 tells us that children are a blessing. With Anna, God's grace was upon us much more than we had or could have imagined. As I have said before, I do not know why God chose me to be that little girls poppa but I am eternally grateful for the privilege. Again, I want to tell you all thank you for your calls, cards, emails, posts and for your prayers. God is listening to you and he is answering your prayers. Christ has and is working through you to give us strength. Four weeks ago the book of Anna Marie Yitao Gooden's life was complete. She lived a full life, a life God so graciously blessed me and my family with. I am so proud of her. Her poppa loves her more today than ever. I know as much as I love her God loves her that much more. He loved her enough to send His son to die for her sins. So I rejoice for Anna and at the same time suffer with the grief of having to let her go.
Children are blessings from heaven above and they are precious. There are a million of these precious blessings out there tonight without a momma or a poppa. If you were to ask an orphan what they wanted more than anything in this world they would tell you it is a forever family. Those little blessings are out there waiting. Please take advantage of any opportunity you can to help them. If you can not adopt or are not in a position to adopt then please open your hearts and wallets and make a donation to organizations such as "Shaohannah's Hope". Organizations like these assist families through grants to give homes to blessings such as our Anna. For your donations you will be blessed ten fold. Thank you for taking the time to meet our little girl & continuing to pray for our family.
May God bless you! Tony for our Family
Friday, September 12, 2008
Anna's Place of Rest
Today Tony & I placed our dear Anna's remains in her vault to rest. As emotional and pain re-newing as this was there was again a resounding sense of peace. We both felt so relieved that Anna was back with us. Her little velvet bag & box seemed unbelievably small in our hands. So different from her life. How big she was in life and how small our hands are in comparison to our Father's. With her ashes we placed in the vault her pink purse holding her most treasured strands of playtime beads and the family photo of Tony, Grace & myself that was submitted with our application to adopt for the 2Nd time.
To give you each some history of the "pink purse" I will tell you my last memory of Anna before the catherization. Anna carried and adorned both her purse and beads that morning. She won many hearts that early morning in the cath. lab waiting area as she sashayed through other children & their anxious families. I will never forget her sweet air of confidence in her pink froggie pj's, her hot pink "China squeaky shoes"(that I had removed the squeakers in fear of driving other nervous parents over the edge), and her silver & green mardi gras beads(I do not know where they came from, Grace got them somewhere) and the infamous Mary Kay pink purse(her sister had also relinquished rights to) at the cleft of her elbow. She was a beaming 
rainbow at 6 am on that rainy, damp morning. Her most prized possessions she so enjoyed right before the moment that ended life as we had known it. How bitter sweet this memory is for me today. I can still smell Anna on those pajama's that lay on my closet shelf still. I will never wash them and I will cling to them for as long as it takes. Then one day I will place them in my Anna's keepsake box. God only knows how long this momma will ache to hold her baby again. Only God will be powerful enough in His continuing love & guidance to one day ease the empty hurt enough to let me let go. One day I will let go of that soft garment she last wore. Oh, how I want to heal and yet long to hurt. The hurt keeps Anna close and I worry if I stop hurting will she not feel as close.
rainbow at 6 am on that rainy, damp morning. Her most prized possessions she so enjoyed right before the moment that ended life as we had known it. How bitter sweet this memory is for me today. I can still smell Anna on those pajama's that lay on my closet shelf still. I will never wash them and I will cling to them for as long as it takes. Then one day I will place them in my Anna's keepsake box. God only knows how long this momma will ache to hold her baby again. Only God will be powerful enough in His continuing love & guidance to one day ease the empty hurt enough to let me let go. One day I will let go of that soft garment she last wore. Oh, how I want to heal and yet long to hurt. The hurt keeps Anna close and I worry if I stop hurting will she not feel as close. A dear friend gave me the Natalie Grant CD "Awaken" right before Anna's funeral. There is a song that was circled by this dear friend called "Held". The lyrics below give me such comfort today & I pray as I type this that it will give someone hurting with me the same comfort.
"If hope is born of suffering"
"If this is only the beginning"
"Can we not wait, for one hour"
"Watching for our Savior"
(chorus)
"This is what it means to be held"
"How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive"
"This is what it is to be loved and to know"
"That the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held"
God Bless and Keep you all. He is blessing us and continues to keep us every minute, every hour and every day.
Jo
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